Tag: suicide attempt

you should not kill yourself when you are suicidal

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mental disorders, mental illness, suicide, suicide attempt

Nothing interesting happened today. I just thought I would write about some more ramblings. I am feeling pretty down and I know the reason I just can’t do anything about it and it is killing me. I had written something about myself that is deeply personal but I keep writing about it and then erase it after I write a few sentences. I really wonder what my life will be like to live openly as who I am and not what I am. I really don’t think that is possible. I once considered it but it takes too much of an effort to confront those demons that are hurting me so. I still think that a fragile self is better than a whole one. I am too weak to fight these demons this stage of my life. I really feel that if I did I would fall apart and never be whole again. It takes all I have to live through each day and not break down and cry. I just cannot bare the thought of continuing to live a lie to myself. I must find a way or it will destroy me and I fear that self destruction is better than life itself.

I have been writing a synopsis of Baumeister’s Suicide as Escape from self. I find that it resonates with me on the deepest level. Yet as close as his words are to my real life throughout his jargon, I can make sense of why he feels that escape of self is the heart of suicide. And it is. I just want to escape into oblivion, where I do not think anymore, I have no feelings whatsoever, and am totally as he says, irrational. I am listening to Adele and wondering if I will ever be happy as she is. I won’t. being happy is not a part of my personality. Suicide has become my career and one day it will take my life. I cannot live with these feelings of self-loathing and hate for too much longer. It really strikes at my soul at the despise I feel toward myself. There is a song by the counting crows of how can I get myself away from me…that pretty much sums up Escape from self in a nutshell…

Is it wrong to want to die? I know in my heart of hearts that I will die by my own hand, it is a certainty that I am willing to live with but will others ever be on the same page as me. The all want me to live because they think I have a higher purpose in this life than the one I am living but I do not share their sentiments. I really think that by killing myself, I will be free. I will no longer suffer and that is truly what all suicidal people want, they want their suffering to end because it is too painful to continue to breathe life.  The only thing stopping me is well, I am not really sure what is stopping me. I guess I just have not been so suicidal that I really feel like acting on it. But then, according to the big suicidologists, you should not kill yourself when you are suicidal. So what do you do when you want to die but are not feeling suicidal??

A Positive Blog

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, CES, depression, medical, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

I don’t know what to call these blogs that are just my random thoughts and think ramblings is better than just “random thoughts”. I tend to go off topic, if there is one or when I don’t think there is one so ramblings is more on target than another random.  But if it was just random, I would just call it random, wouldn’t I? But as the title suggests, I am rambling now as I am writing this…

today I get an email from a friend asking me to be part of an editorial board in the organization I am a member of. I am STOKED. This is my first attempt at this blog being a positive note as today was an extremely siked day. Not only did this person ask me to write for this column, soon to be named, but being part of the editorial board on suicide attempters is important to me on so many levels. I struggle on a daily basis with my suicidality, I would have what Maris would call a “suicide career” so to do some thing positive with my negative energy is HUGE. I just hope I don’t let people down with this opportunity. I have never edited any one’s work, just my own but I think I have the knack for grammar and the like. I am not an English major, never was as it is kind of boring, but I have picked up a few things with a creative writing course I took in college. I don’t remember if I finished it or had to withdraw. My college transcripts tend to be filled with more W’s than grades because depression would hit mid-semester and I had to choice which class of the 2 I could pass with a fairly decent grade. I was working full time and going to school part time and it was a struggle for me with my illness. It really killed me when I had to pull the plug in 2008 because my psychosis got so bad and the meds weren’t working plus going into the hospital because I was so delusional was not fun. The meds always made it hard to think so I ended up having to take an incomplete which is now an F because I never went back to school. Some genius I turned out to be.

the second positive thing today was that my psychiatrist asked me to be part of her 1st yr med student course. She has asked me to sit with a group of 1st year medical students and have them ask me questions about my medical condition. I find it fun. The first year I did this I told them about the chronic pain I was having and I think I made an impact on them with my honesty about chronic pain and depression that follows. These are going to be the doctors of tomorrow so it is cool to be a part of this learning process.

Then the nerve condition I had made my day suck! I had a little incontinence of the bowels that made all these positives go away in a heart beat. I just wanted to die with the indignity of it all. How could so many things go right and then this happen? Because I cannot feel myself go to the bathroom because of nerve damage to my cauda equina nerves, that is why. I have what is known as Cauda Equina Syndrome (CES), post. It really sucks because all the nerves that control bowel function and bladder function are affected. It sucked today because for some reason I had the runs and that is always *fun*.  I am literally afraid to fart for fear of Sharting myself. SO now all I can think about is ways of killing myself but then I re-read the emails from my doc and my friend and it kind of helped because if I do kill myself, I can’t be part of the learning process. I can’t be a part of the editorial board for this organization that means so much to me. And I would have let my friends down with my death and I am sure as hell sure that my friend in SA would be lost without me and take his life because I am not around to stop him. I really love you my friend and I can’t bear the thought of you ending your life because I ended mine. So maybe today is a new day where I have suicidal feelings but thinking of the positive helps me to see the light at the end of the tunnel despite desperately wanting to throw in the towel.

a little about politics and suicide attempts

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, suicide

6-Sept-12

I write the date as the European way because I think it is much better than the “American” way.  I have been battling a migraine for the past few hours and it finally has let up. I am wondering what to write in this blog so I’ll just run through my activities for the day. I picked up my niece from school and then watch iCarly and Spongebob. I have to say that these shows have grown on me but more so because I think Sam is a hot shit and wicked funny. Spongebob is just too stupid to be funny but I watch it anyways because it makes me laugh sometimes at the stupidity of it all.

I then began a synopsis of the long ass article of escape from self by Baumeister. I will be talking about this for the next few blogs as it is important for me to vent out. He writes about suicide attempts and the need to escape and I agree with his idea of the escape theory. High expectations of self that lead to either minor or major failures will always lead to suicide attempt or worse completed suicide. There is no real predictive model for this. The high functioning adults will not seek help because they feel it is beneath them or they just think they are too smart to be In therapy.

What gets me with this article is that it is right on the money in every respect that I have always felt when feeling suicidal. I want to escape from myself because I just feel like a failure. My deconstructed self has no where else to go but to oblivion.

Writing this out has helped me understand more about what he is saying and putting it in layman’s terms will help others I am sure of it. I know it will boost my attempt paper once I ever go back to it.

After writing and watching idiotic shows, I read some of the American revolution. This book is taking me forever and I don’t think that George Washington is ever going to make an appearance in this book though the author seems to think so. We are at the battle of Breed’s Hill (though historians have called it Bunker Hill, which is inaccurate apparently) in Charlestown and Howe has just ordered another assault on the rebels. I think it is still hysterical that the English people think this was all just a rebellion and the American people were found on radicalism.  Wish I could say the same today but I don’t know what American stands for anymore. It has suffered more with the loss of economy and now the presidential election has two morons worse than the other. It is difficult to see who is going to win but if Congress is republican, most likely we will get a republican president because after all congress does run this country not the president as much as he likes to think he does. If calling for the budget is any indication, course after my cousin’s email about the falsehoods of the electoral commercials, I am not so sure which way to vote now. DO I want change or do I want things to be the same for the next four years,…I am not a political person so I may have no idea what I am talking about and I am ok with that. If you are not then I suggest you leave the blog but then this isn’t about politics. It’s just that all the word on twitter tonight was the DNC and so I had to write a little about this because it’s on my mind. I am worried about where my country is headed. I don’t know what will happen I just know I am fearful of what will happen and I guess that is where my suicidal feelings come in. if I don’t like the way the election pans out I can always kill myself because it is my right as a human being and no one can tell me otherwise. As long as America is a free country, I think that is my belief that if I don’t like who is elected after I voted for someone, I think it is my right to die because I know the next four years will be hell and I’m not going to like it so why should I live through it??

to escape or not to

by Midnight Demon, posted in suicide attempt

5-9-12
Been reading Baumeister’s (1990) Suicide as escape from self. A very interesting read about how suicide is really an escape. My favorite line so far in this article is “an unsuccessful attempt may achieve the goal of escape almost as well as completed suicide, at least in the short run and in the suicidally deconstructed state, the short run is all that matters (p90).

It is my belief that by me attempting suicide I will “escape” and therefore may no longer be suicidal anymore. Now if I succeed and no longer cease to exist on the earthly level, I will be happy. If I fail on my attempt, at least then I will know that  I truly tried to escape from my pain, failed but yet I am destined to go on living. Yes it will be a humiliating experience but I think that if I just try to end my life, something good will come out of it. I need the release that unconsciousness brings. But my methods have changed. They are more lethal with less room for rescue and saving.  Should I have no intervention with in the first few moments of the act, I will surely die. The brain cannot survive long without oxygen. And whether I hang myself or put a bag over my head, this will ultimately result in death.

Escape has been what I long for. I cannot fathom living with these feelings of despair any more. I have tried to live and it hurts too much to continue going on day after day suffering the way I do. I just want to be able to sleep and NEVER wake up. I don’t think that is a bad thing to have happen. I know my friends and family will miss me but would they still want me suffering every day knowing that I am in pain or would they want me to be in a better place where I have no suffering?  Death is final. No one has come back from the dead and have said that it was terrible or good. We will never know until our time comes and I have known for some time that my time has come and gone and I just keep living just to keep people happy other than myself. This is not a life worth living when you are just here to keep those around you happy.  It is exhausting work. I will be trying out one of my methods soon. I just need to gather the courage to do it and soon. I can’t take living to my next birthday. I am done trying to live when I have nothing to live for…
Finally finished Baumeister’s escape from self. “In many cases a suicide attempt may effectively stop one’s life and remove one from aversive circumstances, at least temporarily”. Escape theory is right on the money as to why I want to kill myself, something I’ve known for quite some time but this article backs me up about it. Bozo doesn’t want me to attempt but if it provides me with the removal of my negative attributes (I.e., loss of my jobs, self loathing, guilt, etc) why not go for it?!? To not be is what I strive for…obliviation of consciousness….