Tag: suicide ideation

Midnight Demon, The book detailed

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, depression

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Having a crazy day. I got up early this morning, for no reason other than waking from another weird dream. I went to see my pdoc today, which was good because she always calms me down when I am psychotic/delusional. She thinks I am just anxious over what is happening with my book and everything. She is probably right. I am not used to anxiety. I hate it and feel very uncomfortable when I feel it.

I got to sign my book for her. She really is proud of what I have accomplished. She even showed my book off in her class as a writing example. I am so happy she really likes the book.

The book is about my blogs and my struggle with mental illness and cauda equina syndrome. Cauda Equina Syndrome (CES for short) is a neurological medical emergency when a lumbar disc ruptures and you have weakness in your legs, lose your ability to control your urine/fecal matter, and have numbness down your legs. I write about this because people should be aware of what can happen with more than back pain.

My mental illness consists not only of depression, but of psychosis, paranoia, and delusions as well as Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I write about my suicidal history more than anything because it is a suicide attempt survivor book.

I also have my personal experiences with the mental health system from the various therapists that I have seen over the years as well as the multiple hospitalizations I went through.

I hope you will support me by buying a copy of my book! It is available through Kindle and paperback through this link. Unfortunately, those are the only formats available at this time. I am going to look into iBooks eventually so iPad users can have access if they don’t want to download Kindle app. I am also trying to get it available via Nook but that might take some doing as I am not familiar with that format.

An Accomplishment

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, depression

Today was a somewhat good day. I did something that I haven’t done in almost five years. I took a shower, then got dressed, and went out. Normally, the shower alone takes a lot out of me and I need a nap. But not today. I feel a sense of accomplishment in doing these three things. I wasn’t out long. I went to the pharmacy to pick up my prescription. I wanted ice cream but they didn’t have the flavor I wanted. Bummer. So I got a bag of chips and a Pepsi instead. Not what I wanted but still satisfied my junk food urge.

I have been in a down mood the last few days. Yesterday, all I did was sleep. The high of my book being out has come down. I know it has only been a few days but people aren’t buying, or maybe they are and the stupid stats thing is wrong. It can take up to a month to get the stats sales. So in the meantime, I am trying not to obsess about it, but it gives me something to do as nothing else seems to interest me. I just feel really down. And my brain is like “excited” in a hallucinogenic way. I have been taking my meds but there were a few days I skipped my dose. I wonder if it is catching up to me know. I just feel really paranoid, like I am constantly being watched. I hope it goes away and voices don’t spring up.

The book I am reading about breakout novels is not helping me calm down. It is making me want to write more on my Darkness story but I don’t know what to write. I feel like it is done and it is time to move to my other stories. But I feel like it is too soon to get another book going. I want to relish on my first one for a while before starting the formatting for my new book. The other stuff has been written, I just need to fine tooth comb it to make it perfect. Who knows, maybe it will do better than my first. I just did a Google search and I am on page three. Granted my blog is the majority under the search terms “midnight demon cauda equina). But like anything on Google, you need to type specifics in order for it to be on the first page.

I haven’t had any overseas sales, yet. I am hoping to get them soon as I just posted to my support group again. I also have my writer friend that I am hoping to help spread to her survivor networks. She tried to post on FB and failed because most of the people were at the AAS conference. She said she will try again after Easter.

I am hoping this book does well. I have gotten two good reviews but they are my editor and my cousin. I am thankful they wrote but not sure they really count, but I will take them. It took a lot of me to put this book out there. My second proof has not come yet. The first did and it is crap, of course. I am so glad I looked at the formatted template where they had the copyright page because I totally didn’t put one in. I just worry that someone from somewhere is going to say that I plagiarized the CAMS and Aeschi work that I wrote. I tried really hard to write in my own words as possible but things like the SSF being what it is, I have to explain it in detail. I just can’t say Suicide Status Form and leave it at that. No writer can do that.

About being a Suicide Attempt Survivor

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, suicide, suicide attempt survivor

About being a Suicide Attempt Survivor

A few weeks ago, I wrote a blog about how it was shameful to me being called a suicide attempt survivor. Though it wasn’t hurtful, it was more embarrassing. I think it was because there is great shame in dealing with suicide as everyone has an opinion, good or bad, on the topic.

Those feelings have changed since I published my book and the American Association of Suicidology approved a new division on suicide attempt survivors. I feel like I don’t have to hang my head in shame anymore, that I can be free to express my suicidality and not be shunned. I always felt that if someone knew about my suicidality, they would not be receptive to me or be judgmental. That may still be the case with some people, but at least I feel welcomed with an organization that helped me deal with my suicidality and try to overcome it. It wasn’t easy. It was a long road. I still feel suicidal at times. Even though I had a huge accomplishment this week with the publication of my book, I still felt like offing myself. I just felt like my job was done but really it is only beginning. I need to spread the word about my experiences and that there is treatment available if you just look for it. The training of clinicians in suicide prevention, intervention, and postvention needs to happen and what better way than through the experience of an attempt survivor or a person with lived experience. I hope that one day, clinicians are not threatened by the word suicide and are eager to help those that are feeling like taking their life.

In my book, I talk about two frameworks that have helped me in my recovery. They are CAMS (Collaborating, Assessment, and Managing of Suicide) and the Aeschi Model. These frameworks take away the therapist as expert and put the client/patient in charge of their treatment. Through an empathic and non-judgmental ear, his story is told and the learning of what makes that person suicidal is learned. It is completely individualized as no two suicidal people are suicidal for the same reason. You cannot lump suicidal people together and hope that one treatment works. It must be individualized. Just like not all medication work for all people, dealing with suicide can be a trial and error situation. But it takes willingness on the part of the clinician to make this so. Clinicians cannot always count on the hospital being the cure all for suicidal thinking. It must be dealt with in an outpatient setting as more and more hospital beds are becoming scarce.

Paperback is out!

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, depression, suicide attempt, suicide attempt survivor

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my book is out on paperback and I am so excited. it is available through createspace https://www.createspace.com/4546715

hope you will get a copy!!