Tag: transgender

Guilt trip

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Since putting the suicidal plan off the table, I’ve been feeling like I’ve let myself down, almost to the point of feeling ashamed of myself for doing so. I don’t know why I feel this way. But it sucks. I can always put it back on the table and the past few hours I have been thinking about it. What would it belike to hang myself somewhere? I would kill myself in my car but I don’t want to be found my family members. I wish the car was useful and could take me to a rest spot some place away so I could die. Yes I might have placed the ultimate date of killing myself off the table but the thoughts of killing myself are still rampant.

I’m supposed to go out with friends tonight but I really don’t feel like it. We will be going to Olive Garden, a place I like but I just don’t have the energy to put a smile on my face and pretend all is right with the world. I ended up going and it was worse than I imagined. I feel like I have been scarred for life. While going to the women’s bathroom I was suddenly aware of my misplacement. I felt like a girl as I was in there with girl underwear. It was the most awful feeling in the world. I hate myself more than I ever have right now. SO much for this being a good evening.

It was raining earlier while I was writing this and I talked about wanting to go to the Chinese restaurant across the street from Starbucks. They usually have a lunch buffet but they didn’t today for some reason. Maybe I was too early. I had McDonald’s instead.

I should have brought my laptop today so I would have typed this up while thinking about rather than dictating it as I am now. But then I probably would just go on Facebook and play my games and be distracted too much to write anything. I am not hooked on Candy Crush.

Getting back to guilt it’s depressing me. I feel lost, like I should have known better than to give up MY hopes of ending my suffering. I don’t know why I put a stop to my plans. Guilt always seems to work. It works to stop me and it works to make me feel bad that I don’t give in to my impulses. I don’t know what stopped me this time. My therapist didn’t have much to do with it as I usually defy her anyways. I guess I felt that my friend JD non response to my message to him and me feeling non-suicidal all of two weeks caused the shift. Now I am feeling depressed and don’t feel like I have a way out. I’m trapped again in the land of the living. I so wish I could wish my life away. Give my life to a patient dying of cancer and have them go on while I die or something. I don’t feel despairing. Just feel anguish that I can’t quelch.

I feel so lost, like something is missing. It has been months that I have been planning on taking my life and now that it’s no longer in the works, I feel lost, dejected, defeated. I didn’t go through with the act. So I feel a sense of longing. Like if I have to go through with it and I do die, I will accept my fate. But if I don’t die, then I will also accept my fate and not try again. I just wish I did go through with it. It’s a longing like I have never experienced before. It’s like I am not good enough to die or something. I know that sounds silly. How can I be too good to die? Maybe it should be that I am not bad enough to kill myself. I’ve planned my death numerous times over the years. I have never gone through with any of them. I feel like I am stuck in limbo. Do I live or do I die.

I guess I will never know. I just continue to live in this misery called life. And I don’t like it.

Random things

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression, suicide attempt, transgender, writing

There are huge shake downs in Boston right now regarding sports. The hockey team lost the finals. The basketball coach was fired. A football player is accused of double homicide. And while that is all going on, my baseball team is red hot and in first place for the first time since the 2009 season. That is all I am going to say on the matter as I don’t want a ragtime blog of my opinion on the subjects as other than baseball, I really don’t care. Right now only one sport exists and that is baseball. Anything concerning my players or the other teams is of interest in me. Otherwise, I don’t care.

I got a tweet last night saying that there is a 1,200 year old tomb that was found intact. I thought at first it might be a Maya tomb but that would be too late. It was of the Wari people who I didn’t even know existed. I am not too good on the early peoples of South America other than the Maya as they have plagued my interest since learning of their short ruling period. I also have an interest in the Inca as they are presumeably the ones that took over the Maya temples and such and faced the same fate once the Spanish invaded Mexico.

Anyway, I became interested in this tomb as I love archeology. I think that finding things from the past is fascinating. Yes I am a lover of the Indian Jones movies and maybe my fascination came from his work. But I am also interested in the dinosaurs and how things evolved from an evolutionary standpoint. I have yet to read Darwin’s Origin of Species but I plan to one day.

I saw my psychiatrist today. And she didn’t hospitalize me but I did tell her that I have a future date of potentially killing myself. She thinks that I am hormonal and asked that I contact my reproductive endocrine doc, which I did. To my surprise she was available for meeting with me to talk about what to do as I have my menses. She checked the lining of my uterus to see if there was a problem and there wasn’t. What she FAILED to tell me was that it could take up to three months for this new patch to work. That would have been helpful to know!!! So I am going to stick it out the three months (I have two months to go) and see if this patch is better than taking a pill every day. But I have had it will this period bullshit. My psych knows what havoc this is causing me. I don’t feel like a man anymore. I feel it is hopeless to transition. I can’t even talk about it without being very depressed about it. It is killing me more than having boobs.

I normally don’t think about being a male every day because I already think I am one as long as I don’t look at my chest. But when I get my menses, it really, really messes with my head and reinforces the notion that I am in the wrong body. I guess I have been in denial the past week. It just has been so hard but my suicidality has not peaked, least not yet. I feel that I should stop this and try and put it out of my head that I am a male. But that is so hard to do. I am not talking about changing my dress to female or anything of the sort. Just to stop thinking that I would be a male someday. Even if I were to get hormones, I doubt my breasts would shrink enough not to be noticed. I am morbidly overweight so they do have some fat and unless I starve myself, I really don’t see a way to be back to normal weight. I just bought some cereal to help with the diet again. I figure if I just eat cereal for two meals and then eat a normal dinner with some kind of protein, I should be ok. I just hope that I can stick with it. But losing weight is just one of the issues that I have with my self-esteem and body image issues.

My therapist thinks that I have body dysmorphic disorder. I think she maybe right as I do hate my body, every stinking inch of it. And in turn, I hate myself deeply because of it. I really think I am ugly and unattractive. I can’t stand looking at myself in the mirror. I am glad I don’t have any mirrors in my room except a very small one that I use so I can put eye drops in my eyes. Even then I loathe looking at myself. It is just another reason why I want to die. I don’t feel I deserve to be living because I am so heinous looking.

fuck its

by Midnight Demon, posted in suicide, suicide attempt, transgender

Feeling wicked distraught right now. I have breakthrough bleeding and it just kicked up my fuckits big time. I don’t know why this keeps happening. I am on the patch and I am hoping it doesn’t last more than a few days but I am really tired of this crap. I know that it’s the natural law of things for a woman but I am not a woman. I am a man and this thing just messes with my head. Now the suicidal tendencies have returned and I don’t like it one bit. I am so overwhelmed right now. I don’t know what to do.

Every time this happens, I feel like a little piece of me dies. The one wish that I could truly live as a man without menses is never going to be fulfilled. I am having cramps so that can’t be good. I just feel cursed. I know it is because I am in my fourth week of the patch. It’s almost like my body is saying you are going to bleed anyways and I don’t care what kind of hormones you throw at me. I guess I will just have to take a break from the patch this week and see what happens. I will have to go back to wearing woman’s underpants and feminine products. This saddens me to no end. I could cry right now.

TG issues

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, transgender, writing

So my AAS blog post was posted today. So far I don’t have any likes or comments. I hope that changes in the next twenty-four hours. I feel that it is an important post that people should know about.

Today I went to see my reproductive endocrine doctor to get a handle on my periods. We are trying a new patch that I will start sometime next week. I hope it works because I am started to seriously doubt if I am a man. And if I am not a man I might as well be dead. It’s bad enough I had to have a breast exam today and it only made me want to cut the suckers off all the more. I really am in a bad place. I know I can’t go on like this. I just feel like everyone is against me. I have changed my Facebook name to GC rather than Mike because I feel so discouraged. I am having like an identity crisis. I can’t really decide which name I like better. GC would be easier to deal with for everyone because it’s closer to what people call me any ways…G. But I always felt like Mike was a good name for me since I was a kid. I don’t know. It is so very frustrating. And then today I thought about how many doctors I will have to see to get fully transitioned and get testosterone. Then I thought what if my insurance won’t pay for it? What will I do then? I just don’t know anymore. I wish there was some FTM I could really talk to about this other than my therapist. But I don’t know of anyone. I just know MTF.

And about the bus saga…I was coming home and the bus driver didn’t stop at my stop! I was so pissed. Not that it was a huge deal but I hated the fact that he just went right by it. I am glad that the next stop is just as close to my house as the one I missed. Only problem is that I was standing and doing a balancing act while the bus was in motion. I am now hurting. I pulled a hip flexor or something that is giving me sciatica. I have pain going down my right leg. I hope it settles down. I have been trying to keep off my feet as much as possible to avoid the inevitable ankle pain that will be flaring up any time now. Because I am already in pain, I decided to take a pain med. It is making me feel a little drowsy but then I have been up since 8 this morning.
I have been trying to avoid thinking about the TG stuff for the past couple of weeks. I know that if I think about it too much it gets me into a depressive funk that is hard to get out of. But today while at my doctor’s appointment, my doctor figured out why I wanted to stop my periods. In addition to them triggering my suicidal tendencies, it also reinforces the fact that I am not who I really am. I can’t even begin to tell anyone how much this hurts. They say that emotional pain lasts only 15 mins and any longer is self-inflicted. Apparently these people have never dealt with true emotional pain from being in a different body all the time. Pisses me off that these same experts think that I should be dead. But that will happen later this year, or maybe sooner. I just can’t help but think about it all the time now. I wonder what I am waiting for. I just feel like I should have things planned out so that there aren’t any questions when I go. I want to leave behind notes to people because I don’t want them to think that I didn’t love them enough or that it was their fault I was dead. That my therapist and psychiatrist didn’t do enough to help me. They have done more than they could have done. But the demon inside needs to be let out and kill me. I am holding it at bay but it is so tough not to give in every single time it crosses my mind.