Tag: writing

psychache and therapy

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain

Woke up this morning in pain again. I couldn’t stand it. I tried getting in touch with my therapist to have a session to deal with this pain. But couldn’t get in touch with her till after I took my really strong pain pills. I had to break the cycle as it’s been almost ten days now that I have had this pain and nothing seems to be calming it down. I know once the weather decides to stay at a normal temp I will be happy. My brother in law just put in the A/C so my room should be 50 degrees in another hour or so. I hate being this miserable. I really wanted my Isla Flores today but I couldn’t go out because the really strong pain meds put me out and I would be stupid all day. I slept till about an hour before my therapy appt. My therapist finally texted me a time we could meet.

I wish I could say that it went well but it just left me feeling depressed and hopeless. We did a psychache scale and it was 50 something, which is high but not as high as she was expecting. The whole thing just bummed me out because I know I am in dire straights and she knows I am going to kill myself in a few months. She is trying to lessen the ache to lessen the suicide/press. But I don’t think you can do that without first dealing with my physical pain which is the cause of all of this. I can’t help but think that if I didn’t have chronic physical pain, I would be somehow ok and might want to live. I might actually use my brain to get a grant to get back to school. I am just eight classes short of my degree. That is two semesters full time. I probably won’t be able to go full time because it will cause major psych issues but I can go at least half time. I will beat doing nothing all day. But I rather just focus on my death.

I want to die because it is my only option right now. I can’t think straight with this pain and I know you shouldn’t kill yourself when you are suicidal but I am not per se suicidal. I am just thinking about ending my life and planning a means towards that ends. I feel rational about this. Nothing about this feels wrong. Sure I can go on living in misery but I am choosing not to. I know my family will not understand. No family would. But I am tired of being in pain. I am tired of the endless, sleepless nights of agony I feel every single night. The burning. The stabbing. The zaps. I can’t take it anymore. Just knowing that I have a plan gives me comfort in that I won’t have to suffer anymore.

I told my therapist today that I will have to hurt her. She refuses to stop treating me. I can’t make her go away. I have tried to give her an out so she doesn’t have to be around me when I do this but she refuses. Today she was talking about some therapist that believes in psychache as resilience. I really have no idea what she was talking about and neither did my therapist. She gave me her name but I don’t remember it. I think it would be interesting to see her but I don’t have time. Then my therapist says that she wants me to see a consultant again. I don’t know what he will want to do other than tell me he doesn’t want me to die. She asked me today if she could talk with my psychiatrist and I said sure. There is nothing you two can do to stop me from my plans. If I don’t do it in a few months I will do it on my original date. I have until then to change my mind. But the way things are going, I don’t think I can change my mind. I just took another strong pain pill, my second of the day. Maybe two will work this time and tomorrow I can get my Isla Flores. I have not been out of the house all weekend. I think tomorrow will be a good time to get out.

Ramblings 41

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging

I have not been feeling well the past few days. I have been in pain that has been unbearable and it has been unbearably hot. I still don’t have my A/C in as the temps are supposed to drop over the next few days. I cannot wait till it does because I hate to sweat.

I sent my chapter on my psychiatrist yesterday and got a response today. She loved it. I feel humbled by that as I thought there would be something she would want to change or take out and she just liked it as is. This is the book that I am writing. I wanted to show her what I was writing in case I had some things wrong or something and she liked it. She has been a major support of mine. I can’t tell you how much she has supported my writing. I remember when I my poster got accepted for my first poster session for the American Association of Suicidology. She wanted to be there but was there in spirit. She liked my writing then and really likes my blogs. I think I have learned a lot from her more than she realizes. But then we are going on twenty years of knowing one another.

I still don’t understand why my foot is bothering me today. I didn’t do anything except watch tv. I had my foot up most of the time. I just don’t get it.

Today was to start the pill but I am still bleeding so I am debating on it. I might hold off another week. I kind of am afraid of using the patch because I am afraid with the heat I will sweat it off and then what am I going to do? I know this sounds brilliant just having to use a patch for week than take a pill every day but with the heat wave on, I am a little cautious. I just hope I don’t have an allergic reaction with it or something. That the other thing that I am worried about. I got sensitive skin. I just don’t want the adhesive to hurt me. I hope that it also comes off easily.

Don’t know if I mentioned this, but my therapist pissed me off about psychache scales and such. I tried taking one yesterday but I am in so much physical pain, it was next to impossible to sort out my emotional pain from my physical. I couldn’t believe I was caught in the conundrum. I thought it would be an easy assessment as I was not feeling any psychache but the questions were specific and I just couldn’t separate how I was feeling physically with how I was doing emotionally. I found it very frustrating. I had to leave it half undone. So then this got me thinking that maybe I should read Managing Suicide Risk to get some insight into how to separate my thoughts from how my physically I am feeling but I couldn’t get into it. It’s not like it was technical or anything, I just didn’t have the brain power with this heat. Even now all I want to do is sleep. My Sox game is being delayed due to the weather.

I haven’t been eating much the past few days. I have had no appetite since this heat wave started. I haven’t lost any weight though, which is weird. I guess I am eating enough for my daily requirements. Today all I had was a bowl of mac and cheese and an ice cream sandwich. I didn’t feel like eating anything else. I have been drinking a lot of fluids though. I had at least 3 big glasses of lemonade/ice tea. I figure I have to keep hydrated even if it means going to the bathroom more.

a crazy day

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression

I know I have not written in a few days. I have been feeling exhausted. Yesterday I planned on writing but somehow the day got away from me and after the Sox game, I just was not in a writing mood.

I woke up this morning in pain, which is unusual as most of my pain is at night. But my foot was cold as it was a bit chilly in my room despite my foot being under the sheets and blanket. Pain woke me up and I took my pain medication. I was going to see my therapist today but my sister had the truck so I nixed it. It was a good thing I did because my mother came home from seeing her sister and collapsed on the floor due to low blood sugar. If I had gone to Framingham and then came home, I hate to think what would have happened. There was no way for her to get up. I couldn’t pull her up so had to call an ambulance. I didn’t realize she was having a hypoglycemic attack until her words were getting slurred. Her sugar was 38 (normal is between 70-100). And this happened just a few minutes before my session with my therapist so I had to cancel on her. I felt bad but I had no choice.

So I was kind of out of my tree from adrenaline and when that wore off the pain meds kicked in making me feel very sleepy. I still am fighting taking a nap but my foot is really hurting so I think I will after I write this. I then get an email saying that my appt with my PCP is in five minutes. I mixed up my dates. I thought it was Thursday and instead it was today. Fuck! Now I won’t get a refill of my pain meds. I still have some because I have been using less of them but I don’t have enough to last me till I see him on June 20th! He has no opening until then. I hope they can process my prescription. If not I am going to really be rationing my last of my pain meds. Which isn’t going to be good as I am in the middle of a pain flare up right now. I know part of it is that the temp keeps fluctuating between 50 to 70 degrees. And my body is sensitive to those dips and highs. Starting Thursday it is going to be in the 90s for a few days. Just lovely.

I had a friend from Australia email me yesterday. He wanted my advice about euthanasia and suicide. He has a cousin that wants to die because like me, he can no longer deal with his chronic illness. He doesn’t want to do the deed himself so has hired a doctor to legally kill him. I don’t know how I feel about this. I know that I wish I had a doc that would take me out of my misery but then my thoughts are because I am “depressed”. But you can be suicidal without feeling depressed so how does that play out? I truly understand what this kid is going through and can empathize with how he feels he has no other choice but to take his life but at the same time I wonder if depression is playing into a part of his decision to die and maybe if that were treated he wouldn’t feel that way. But then I look at my situation and think how can I justify that thinking if I am going to kill myself for that very reason.

I will write more on this later. I just can’t seem to get my thoughts coherent enough to think about this.

RAMBLINGS 39

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging

Watching my favorite game as I am typing this. I have not been feeling well the past few days. I didn’t sleep well Friday night and was pretty sleepy most of the day. I really tried to stay awake as long as possible but by 6 pm I couldn’t keep my eyes open anymore. I ended up writing three blogs that day/night. I was in pain and kind of pissed off with a report about chronic pain and suicide.

I really need to shower today as it has been almost four days. I just hate showering. I don’t know why that is. I think it is definitely a mental thing. I know that I can stand long enough to shower and dry off but it is just to me an inconvenience. I do wish there was a bathtub in my apartment but there isn’t. I just have a shower stall. I also have not brushed my teeth in the last two days. I am just a mess. I am glad no one gets too close to me. I have not been out since Thursday. I wanted to go out yesterday but I didn’t feel like it with me feeling so tired. Soon as there is a “boring” spot during the game I will take a shower.

This is my off week on birth control pills. I have to be off them for a few days to start the new patch. I am just worried that with this patch, I will take even fewer showers than I do already. I am just afraid that I will wash it away or worse that with the summer coming up, I will sweat it off. I hope that it stays on. The nice thing about this patch is that it is a weekly thing and I don’t have to take a pill anymore. I just have to remember to change the patch.

I hope that being off a week doesn’t cause too much bleeding. I am already annoyed and my skin is irritated by the pads. I hate being a woman so much it is not funny.

There are three top reasons why I want to kill myself: 1) psychache, 2) chronic pain, and 3) not being a man. There is no particular order of why I choice that order but those are the reason and it might mean one day I have more of a reason than the others on a particular bad day.

I had a comment today on my blog that said that he found my blog inspirational. I hope that it is to people. I can’t imagine that what I am writing is all fluff and stuff. I write from the heart and if people can’t get the message from that, then so be it.

I had almost 30 blog readers today. That is high as I usually don’t get that many on a Sunday. I will usually get less than twenty. But lately my numbers have been picking up, especially with my Google searches. I had fifteen the other day that lead them to my blog, from countries around the world. My top viewers are the U.S., Canada, and the U.K. I also get some from Australia and New Zealand. I get excited when I get the European countries and some from the Russia Federation. The nice thing about WordPress is that is keeps the statistics about the countries and when you display all, it is nice to see so many countries lit up. I had a Mexican follower for a few weeks. That was exciting because I have friends from Mexico.

The Indians have scored a home run and my boys are down by 2 runs now. And the Rays are chopping on the Skankees, 4-0. My boys might go into first if they are able to come back in this game.