Tag: writing

Writing Workshop and Other Things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Writing Workshop and Other Things

I went to the writing workshop today and it seemed geared more for poets than writers. I wrote a couple of good paragraphs in the time allotted. But I thought it would be more discussion about writing itself rather than what we were writing about in the class. It was only for 45 mins and when I realized what it was, I really wanted to leave. The room was stifling hot, there were a lot of people there, and it just made me uncomfortable. It was supposed to be a cool day today but it’s not. The weatherman lied, again. I am just glad that I wore shorts and not full length jeans. I would have been really uncomfortable.

The errands that I had to run after the class got postponed because I had to go to the bathroom really bad. I felt funny using the bathroom at the workshop so I just left holding it until I got home. Now I got to go to Walgreens and pick up my prescription. I thought about getting my haircut but I think I will do that tomorrow. I tried getting it cut today but the line was too long and there were only two barbers on duty. Usually there are four. I am really spent so unless I get my sister’s car to go to Stop and Shop, that will have to wait till Friday. The walk to the place wasn’t bad but finding the green line back home was a trick. I had no idea where the station was so just walked over to the orange line a few blocks away from the class. I went down the stairs rather than using the elevator and I am paying for it now. I really don’t want to go to Walgreens but I have to. My mother needs something and I need to buy water. I have no spring water in the house and I hate drinking tap, unless it’s mixed with iced tea or lemonade mix. I am picky about water. When I lived in my hometown where I grew up, the tap water was excellent. But where I live now, it just doesn’t taste the same. I will buy a couple of gallons so I am stocked. There is no way I can carry a case home from Walgreens and it’s much more expensive there than at Stop and Shop. I will only buy Poland Spring water. If they don’t have that, Dasani is the next one I will get. If they don’t have either, I usually won’t buy it.

When I came out, I found out some sad news. My cousin’s mother in law passed away this morning. He was with her when she died. She had been sick for some time and was in a nursing home. She was a very nice lady. I met her more than a few times over the years.

I have an ace bandage around my ankle to help support it while I was out and about today. I still have it on. I should take it off but I will be going back out again. It’s very restrictive as going up and down stairs I could feel that my ankle did not want to do those motions. It feels comfortable now that I have my leg up and am relaxing as I am typing this. I should have been using this all along and maybe on long days where I am walking, I won’t be in so much pain afterwards. It’s a one piece ace that is made specific for the ankle. I really like it because you wear it like a sock. No pins or taping or wrapping needed. I can never wrap my ankle anyway or any other part. I just suck at that.

I started the day writing to my therapist like I have been doing the last few mornings. I will be so glad when she comes back and I don’t have to write to her anymore. Well, I could still write to her. She does like getting my letters. We will keep the post office in business. But with this writing, I am not doing much of anything else. I am not writing anything for my book and I am not writing in my journal like I usually do. I wanted to get a few pointers today on how to get unstuck but the stupid class wasn’t made for it. They do have other classes you can take but it costs money that I don’t have.

Before the workshop, I went to my “Happy” place, Starbucks and lo and behold, they had the coffee that I have been dying to get! I finally got my Kati Kati coffee!! I am so going to make it tomorrow morning!! I thought I was going to miss my chance on getting it this year because the Starbucks stores near me have sold out of it already. It’s an extremely popular blend and it’s only around during the summer months. It made my day to get a bag.

Random 468

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

I have been reading “Game of Thrones”. It is a weird book and I am trying to follow the story line but it is hard to do. I am glad the last few chapters that I have read didn’t have people die a horrible death like the first two chapters. It was hard to get past that. But I am liking the book so far, even though it is not my usual kind of book to read.

I have been in a funk the past day or so. My ankle has not been in a good mood and tomorrow I have a workshop to go to, which means walking around until I find that I am looking for. My ankle is not going to like that. Thankfully, it’s supposed to be cooler than it is today. Today is very hot again and I am not liking it. I have a vague idea where the building is for this workshop. It’s in a part of town that I am not that familiar with. It’s a writing workshop so I hope it helps me be a little more creative and focused. I have no idea how many people are going to be attending and I won’t know a single person, including the instructor. I am really nervous about going.

One of my cousins called me last night to be a pain in the ass. He usually is anyway but last night he really grated on my nerves. He asked if I had any extra money. He knows I am broke even before I get paid. Pisses me off that he would call me. He works part-time as a barber so I don’t understand why he doesn’t have a few extra bucks in his pocket. He must get tips and I doubt that the shop would make him turn them in. I just don’t get him. If I did have money, I wouldn’t give it to him anyways. I did once and it was hell. He called me every single day until he paid me back, three weeks later! It was always the same story, I will pay back on day X. Day X would come and he would pay me half. Then gave me a new X day. I told him he didn’t have to pay me back at that point. I just wouldn’t allow myself to have him borrow money from me again, and I haven’t. He works. I don’t. He is a grown man, let him figure out how to get through a pay period. I sure do and it sucks. I gave the last three dollars I had to my mother because I didn’t want to have a confrontation at Walgreens. She had bought some tissue paper without a coupon and wanted a refund. Working in retail, I know they don’t give refunds that way. Tough luck if you don’t have the coupon at the time of purchase. So I gave her the money do I didn’t have to deal with it. It was easier that way.

Since I woke up this morning, my ankle has been bothering me. It probably is still angry with me for going up and down stairs yesterday. And for some reason, the pain meds have been making me drowsier than usual, even if I take one. I don’t understand why. I have been on the same dose for years now and it never used to make me tired. It used to in the beginning but I should be used to it by now. So weird how medications work. At least the new NSAID is helping with the pain. I just wish it didn’t sometimes upset my stomach, even with having a meal. I had a turkey and ham sandwich when I took it and my stomach is still bothering me. I don’t get it. I know it’s an extended release drug so maybe that is why it is bothering me. I don’t want to stop taking it. I plan on calling my doc on Friday to tell him how it’s going. I was going to call this afternoon but it’s late now and the office is closed.

Someone on Twitter just posted a stigmatizing meme on depression. It said that 200 million people will suffer from depression and with it a loss of 17 million dollars in work loss production. Why is depression always targeted as a work loss? Why isn’t arthritis or diabetes seen as work loss days as well? It sickens me that these people who want to destigmatize mental health are hindering it with these numbers. How is a person supposed to be open with their employer when they could get canned because they call out too much for their illness? Or worse, be open during the interview and not get hired because their employer will see this as work loss production. It just astounds me, and pisses me off.

I was thinking of making fish and chips tonight but it’s too hot in the kitchen to turn on the oven. I don’t know what I will have for dinner tonight. Maybe I will have just a bagel.

Times Have Changed But My Suicidality Has Not

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, psychache, suicidality

I woke up because of having to pee and now I can’t go back to sleep. My room was freezing so I turned off the AC but then I realized, if I went back to sleep, I would wake up hot. So I have the AC on energy saver and hope the turning off and on doesn’t disrupt my sleep too much.

I am kind of in a dark mood. I just bought three journals because I needed them. The ones that I have are half way filled and I know by the end of the year, I will need a new one. I like the ones I bought. I am glad Barnes and Noble has such large journals. I do a lot of writing, in case you haven’t noticed.

I read one of my journal blogs that I wrote back in 2014. It was an entry that said that I cut myself and I went on about how scared I was that my therapist was going to flip out. I also didn’t want my psychiatrist to know because I knew it would cause her concern. The weird thing is, I don’t remember the incident at all. I had cut because of my TG issues. Now I am just suicidal. I have been struggling with this for months and I can’t seem to walk away from it. Like I wrote to my psychiatrist, I think there is a chance that I will go through with ending my life in a couple of weeks. I want to try it anyways, even though I know I am not going to like doing it. Suffocating oneself is difficult to do. But it’s the only means I have available to me. Worst thing that can happen is that I will be found before I am dead. That is my fear. And if that happens, I could have brain damage from lack of oxygen. That fear of being brain damage really wants me to stay away from this method. But it’s not like you can just buy arsenic pills on the internet like you used to. Maybe you can. Google hasn’t been much help in this arena. Even buying hemlock juice has been tricky. So I have come to the simpler methods that I have on hand.

I want my pain to end, permanently. Funny how I am writing about buying journals to write with and yet I want to take my life. How will those journals be useful to me? Most likely they will just be donated or given to my niece after I am gone. I am not sure what will happen with my things. Trash most likely. I haven’t written a will. I still have time, though I am not looking forward to it.

Since writing to my psychiatrist, I am afraid to write to her anymore. I don’t want to get a phone call after an email because she is concerned about my safety. Literally, she sent the email and within ten minutes she called me, after I sent the email the night before. I am so tired of worrying her and my therapist. Both want me to live. A lot of people I know want me to live, but how can I do that when I want to die so badly? I have been following the zero suicide academy postings on Twitter the past 24 hours. Jobes was there giving a talk about evidence based treatment. DBT, CBT, CAMS, and non demand follow up were among those shown to help decrease suicide. It got me thinking that maybe I should try to see another therapist to help with my suicidal feelings. Only problem is, money. I no longer have the money for copayments and I am on Medicare which only covers 80% of the visit. I would be responsible for the 20%. I wrote to my consultant last night. I gave him a blog reading of the “Love/Hate” that I wrote. I know that he would be interested in reading it. He was always curious about the relationship factor between my therapist and I. Now he will know in greater detail.

I follow suicide prevention because I am hoping it provides me with something to help my own suicidality. I don’t feel hopelessness. I think my depression would be 10 times worse if I were hopeless. I just feel so down that I just want it to end. I really think that if I try and see someone new, maybe they will provide me with some insight that I am missing. But ultimately, the choice is mine. No one can stop me, though they can try. I don’t think going in the hospital would be in my best interest. All they do is babysit you for 24 hours every day and drug you up. No real treatment exists in the hospital anymore. It’s not like it was back in the old days, where treatment and care were more important than containment and safety. I literally had to beg to be kept in house because I told them I was going to kill myself when I got out. Their response, “You are putting us in a difficult position”. I kid you not! And this was at a world class hospital! I won’t go there again. I won’t be subjected to non-treatment. Besides, the only ones that really cared were the nursing staff members. They took the time to get to know you and try and help you deal with shit. More so than your “treatment team”. It has been almost 11 months since my last admission. I like to say I am doing well staying out, but am I? They call you “stable” if you are able to stay out of the hospital for at least a year. How stable can you be if you think about ending your life every day? I just am not impulsive to act on my feelings every time I have them. Some people have not learned that self-control. I learned the hard way. I learned to keep my feelings to myself or I would have ended up in a state ward. This was twenty years ago. And times have changed.

Rainy Monday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

I went to bed pretty late last night despite going to sleep at an early hour. I woke up around 2300 and couldn’t go back to sleep. I hate when that happens. I really didn’t think I was going to wake up but I had to pee and that is how I got my second wind.

It’s raining so I don’t feel like walking to the Post Office to mail my therapist’s letter. I also don’t feel like going out to get a Father’s day gift. I can do that tomorrow. I really have been bored the last few hours. I just don’t know what to do with myself. I was thinking of clearing off my bureau so it’s not so cluttered but fear a domino effect will happen once I start moving stuff. Maybe I will just take all the pens that have accumulated and place them in a box. I am a pen hoarder. I will admit to that.

I never finished reading that chapter in Dostoevsky. I just haven’t been in the mood to read. So I am just listening to my music. I need the music to keep my brain from going mush. I am really tired and want a nap but it’s close to dinner time and I know my mother is going to be calling soon. If she doesn’t, I plan on making some tater tots for supper. It is my go to when I don’t want anything else to eat.

My mood has been okay today. I have neither been up or down. I just have been too bored to really feel anything. I made the phone calls that I needed to make this morning when I got up. I really am having a lazy day. But then, most of my days are lazy. I just stay in my room and play on the laptop for most of the day, doing nothing. I really want to work on my book, but I don’t want to do it at home. I rather work on it at Starbucks where I won’t be so distracted by the internet. I just can’t seem to focus like I used to. It all depends on the mood I am and if I have a clear head. If I am depressed or feeling “meh”, I just don’t do as well as if I was clearheaded and not so depressed. I still have the “why bothers” creeping around because my suicidality lurks. It’s extremely difficult to think of a future when you want to kill yourself. I guess to try and psych myself up, I went ahead and put in the title of the book and got the ISBN number. It’s the number given to all books as sort of a library code or something. I have no idea what “ISBN” stands for. Probably International System of Book Numbers, for all I know. There are two numbers you are given, ISBN and a ISBN-10. I don’t know what the difference means. I knew the Dewey decimal system way back in high school as I used to spend time with the librarian. She was a sweet lady, who believed in me. Always told everyone that I was going to be the first doctor out of my high school. I guess now, I would be a disappointment to her. But I bet I am the first person out of the school to publish a book!

I hope the rain causes tonight’s game to be postponed. The Sox have been playing so shitty, I can’t bear to listen to the game anymore. Yesterday in the abysmal loss, two fans rushed the field, causing a delay of game. I don’t know why anyone would do that when the game is a loss. Course, I don’t know why they would do it if they were winning, either. I guess because people are morons. I get that the fans are unhappy. They pay a lot of money to go to the home games and when you lose, it’s like you are losing your money. The Sox have had more loss streaks than any other team in the AL. Tonight we are supposed to play the Braves. Maybe if I root for them, my home team will win.