Tag: writing

random 498

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, college football, depression

Got about two hours before the Pats game starts. Figure I would do some writing.

Back is better but the same as I can’t really stand too long and I can’t sit too long either. This sucks. I really was hoping that being back on my pain meds whenever I needed it would settle it down but it hasn’t. I tried to do some PT exercises today and they went well. I didn’t do the pelvic tilt exercise because I still am sore and just trying to move my pelvis hurts.

I found out today that one of the head coaches for Nebraska was fired today. I find it sad because he had been with Nebraska for so long (7yrs). But the team has been sucking, losing a lot of games this year. I haven’t really been following them because the games are not near me or on my network. I just get updates from the CFB app and Twitter. But it hasn’t been good updates. They might be winning in the first half then lose in the second. Very rarely have they held onto a lead. I don’t know what the w/l games are but it doesn’t look like they will be heading to a bowl this year. They have not announced the replacement. It seems sucky to do with just a few games left of the season. But what do I know. It happens in baseball all the time, firing the manager near the end of the season so why not football.

It’s warm out today as the snow has melted but it’s cold in my room. I am debating putting on a long sleeved T shirt. But I am braving the cold as all I need to do is go under the covers as I am in bed. I am always in my bed when typing my blog or on my laptop. It is my “office”. Only thing I can’t seem to do is write something meaningful and insightful. And that frustrates me. I don’t know why that is. I haven’t had coffee today. I thought about getting a cup but then I realized there is no more cream. OI, the nuances of getting a cup of coffee at home! Tomorrow if I am feeling better I will go to the store and get some cream. I would have gone today but I didn’t want to tweak my back again like I did yesterday. I got to stop sneezing or I am never going to get better! Even with an antihistamine, I have been sneezing. It isn’t doing my back any favors!

I really want a rice dish for dinner tonight but there is no rice in the house. Figures. I would make it but I suck at making it. I either overcook it, under cook it, or burn it. I like the 90 sec rice from Uncle Bens. You can’t screw that up!

With my back acting up, I am surprised I am not having more PTSD symptoms. I think because the pain is localized in my lower back and not shooting down my legs, I think that is one reason. Either that or I am trying hard not to let it get to me. I am getting worried though as this has been a week and it doesn’t seem like it is getting better. But then, I haven’t hurt my back in so long that maybe this is going to stick around a little while because I am “babying” it. I am trying to do more stuff but it hurts if I stand too long. Even the few minutes it takes to cook an egg, hurts my back. I also am not as depressed as I was before I hurt my back so that is good. I just hope that this mood change stays the way it is and I don’t crash.

No Latte Today

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, blogging, depression

No latte today

I thought I was well enough to go into town today to get a latte but the walk just to the bus stop proved to be more than I bargained for. I was cramping up big time so just decided to get my prescriptions and call it a day. I got to the pharmacy and of course had to wait because they are so damn slow, especially on the weekends. I then find out my debit card can’t be processed. Luckily I had another one to use. I thought I might have mismanaged my funds but nope, McAfee decided to go ahead and charge me $100, making my account insufficient! It is going to take 5 fucking business days to clear up! I am so pissed!!

I then had to empty my recycles because they were getting all over the place. I should have emptied them last week but I didn’t know I was going to take out my back with a sneeze. I am moving okay today, but like I said, I am cramping up for some reason. This sucks. I probably am just dehydrated but with my funds all screwed up, I can’t replenish my powerade supply until next week. I hope it will be on sale. So much for trying to save money.

I just realized that I cannot replenish my Starbucks funds until next month. I have $7 left in that account. So technically, 2 lattes. What pisses me off is that I didn’t have the full amount of the McAfee charge in my account, which brought my account in the red. Yet, when they wanted me to renew, they kept lowering the price. They first said $80, then half that, then $24. So why the hell were they charging me fucking $100??? No matter, I will get the CD from Best Buy, which will be around $40, next month and then I won’t have to worry about it for a year. I like them better than Norton so I like to stick with them, even though they are crooks.

Today, I have decided I am just going to eat pie all day. I started off the day (0700) with chocolate pudding pie. Now I am going to eat custard pie. Then tonight, I will have some turkey, if there is any left over and cherry pie. Got to have some sort of protein! LOL

Being aggravated has not helped my back situation. It is really tense. I took some Ativan to calm it down as it’s the only thing I can think of to do for the cramps.

OSU is beating Michigan right now and I am happy about that. I haven’t been watching the game but have been getting updates on my phone. It’s been a tight game. JT Barrett has passed the most TDs by a QB. It’s an all time CFB record. I am very happy about that!

Ativan seems to be kicking its head in right now as I am feeling very sleepy. I didn’t sleep very well last night because of pain. I hope that I can snooze for a little bit. But my QB got hurt in the 4th quarter and there is no update on his injury. FUCK! He was such a good QB too! But we did beat Michigan 42-28.

Serious Pain 2

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression

Serious Pain 2

Going on day 2 of not being able to move. Back has seized up making it difficult for any movement. This sucks so bad. I did okay going to my appointment until the last bus I was on stopped short and set off a pain attack. That was fun as I could hardly move to get off the bus. Then walking home from the bus stop took me forever because I was walking short strides, hunched back. I felt like an old crooked man walking down the street.

Well, I didn’t think it was going to be possible, but I am finally tired of listening to 1989 after listening to it straight for a week. I am listening to “Springsteen” by Eric Church right now. It is refreshing to listen to some old music.

This cold still won’t let me be. My throat is still sore and I am congested. Luckily, I haven’t moved to the cough phase of the cold and I hope I don’t as that will surely delay my back getting well.

I had a quick appointment with the NP today. I just told her I needed a refill on my pain meds and she briefly looked at my ankle and wrote up the script. Then she asked for a urine sample. Shit. I couldn’t go so I will have to give one on my next visit. If I had the time to get my coffee, I probably could have gone but there was no way I was going to waste spoons getting it while my back is out of commission.

I heard the verdict for the Ferguson case. I hope that people there stay safe.

I have therapy tomorrow and for once, I am glad that I don’t have to get out of bed to have it. I could barely get undressed when I came home this afternoon. I still am in a lot of pain as I am writing this. What is worse is that I cracked my back when I was getting in bed after I had my dinner. I don’t know how I did it. But man did it hurt. I haven’t been in this much pain since my before my surgery in 2006. I hope I didn’t do anything to my discs. I hope it is just a muscle spasm that will go away with rest and medication. But even though I don’t really do anything all day, it still is hard just to lay down and do nothing. Sitting while playing with my laptop brings me some pain but nothing like standing and walking does.

It was in the 60s today. I am really hot in my flannel PJs and want to change but that will require spoons that I don’t have anymore. So I am just going to stay in them with the covers off. I have to get my wedge to put my feet up. I know that will relieve the pressure on my back and take some off so I can feel a little better. But I don’t know if I can stand up again to grab it. I wish I had someone to get it for me, even though it is just a foot and half from my bed. I was able to reach it with my grabber!! Whoohoo!! I love this thing! It is the best invention ever!! Now I just hope that I can lay on my back with my feet up for the rest of the night. I doubt it because I am such a side sleeper but even if I rest with my feet up for a few hours, that should give me enough relief.

It’s getting late and I think I should be getting to bed. I don’t think I can sit any longer. So thank you for reading.

Serious Pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, suicidality

Serious pain

Yesterday, I sneezed and threw out my back. Today my back is still out and I am unable to stand straight without severe pain. Having this bloody cold is not helping my case. I only get relief from pain if I am lying down or sitting without moving any lower extremity muscles. I have taken my pain killers and muscle relaxants but they have not provided me with any real relief. And I am worried that I won’t be able to make my doctor’s appointment tomorrow with the dumb NP. I need to make this appointment because I need to get a refill on my pain meds. I am trying not to worry about it, thinking tomorrow is another day and I might be able to move better than I can right now. I hope so anyway. I haven’t been in this much pain since before my last surgery. It sucks not being able to move. I have tried to do the normal back exercises to ease some of the tension but they just cause me more pain. I really hope I didn’t move a disc out of whack. Last night, I got really paranoid that I was getting CES again because my left leg kept going numb on me. It is okay now and the pain is lessening, but I just need a few more days of rest before going out again. I don’t think I have that much time as I have just about 16 hours before my appointment. I don’t know what this dumb NP is going to do when I tell her I am in pain because I pulled my back out. I hope she doesn’t do the leg lifts because that will just aggravate my nerves like it always does. I am always paranoid when I hurt my back and they want to raise my legs. It aggravates my sciatic nerve and then I really won’t be able to walk out of the office. For now I am just going to relax the rest of the night and hope my bladder doesn’t get too full again that I need to use the bathroom. I just want to rest for a couple of hours straight and hope it helps me.

I missed the BPD chat tonight. I really wanted to attend but this damn pain is limiting my sitting time. Plus my dinner was ready around half way through the chat anyways. It took me a long time to get down the stairs and to eat. I didn’t even finish it all because I just wasn’t that hungry. My appetite with this cold and pain has limited my eating. I had to force myself to finish the scrambled eggs I made for lunch.

I wish I had a ride to the hospital tomorrow. That would help me greatly but I don’t. (My outpatient appointment is at the local hospital.) And I don’t have money for a cab. This just sucks. I hope I am better tomorrow. I hate being in this much pain.

Last night I came across something I wrote a while ago. I don’t know when I wrote it as I didn’t put a date on it. I hate when I don’t do that. But the content was something Hyde might have written. I got one comment on it, it said that I should “live”. Obviously, this person doesn’t know that I struggle with wanting to die on a consistent basis. The blog was called “don’t call me daughter”. I felt that was fitting as I know my mother is never going to call me her son. And that hurts me to no end. It just makes me want to die all the more because I know I will never be seen as a boy to her. She will never understand me. It hurts knowing this. She can tolerate my tomboyish features but won’t tolerate my facial hair or short boy hair cuts. My cousin has stopped cutting my hair because he doesn’t want to deal with the backlash from my mother. He still styles my hair in a “female” fashion and won’t go below a 2 on the clippers. Drives me nuts.

What drives my suicidality up lately has been pain and no sleep. I think taking the baclofen has helped my sleep. I just wish it helped my pain as well. Once my pain is under control, my suicidality decreases. But right now, with my back being out of sorts, I am kind of wishing I was dead. I hate being in this much pain and nothing helping me. It is making me feel hopeless. And feeling hopeless and suicidal is not a good mix. I hope that I can go to my appointment tomorrow and not be in horrific pain like I am in now. It will really suck because the office is a ways from the T stop.

Just found out one of my high school friends lost her mother last night. She had been battling cancer for sometime now and I guess her time was up. I feel bad for her. My friend is my sister’s age. I can’t imagine losing my mother, even though I can’t stand her at times. Sending out good thoughts and prayers to her family tonight.