Tag: writing

in so much pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression, suicide, writing

I don’t normally write these types of blogs. But dammit, I am in so much pain that I just don’t know what else to do but write. It started when I got home from my appointment, around 3 pm. I didn’t walk too much, except to get my haircut down the street from the hospital. I just don’t know why my pain meds are failing me. Usually they work and I should be sleeping by now. I am listening to music to distract myself because I am staring at the bottle of my pills and thinking about just emptying it. It will harm me, there is no doubt. Might even kill me as I took my night meds as well. I just have to get through the next hour so that the meds can work. I have tried going to sleep or snoozing but I just can’t get comfortable. my foot is throbbing so bad.

I really want to talk to someone yet i don’t. I have had enough of trying to talk to people today. If my psychiatrist doesn’t get it then I doubt anyone will. I just feel like no one believes me anymore when I say that I am in pain. Course I act like a “normal” person. No one can see the hurt. No one else feels the hurt. I don’t even have a limp. I might drag my foot but that would be it. But right now, I am not doing anything but sitting on my bed, having my foot up, resting as comfortably as I possibly can. But it’s not enough because I am still in pain. My foot is not swollen, least not as I can see. But it hurts like a SOB. I really hate feeling like my world is ending because of this pain. I know it should be getting better but it’s not. It feels like it is getting worse. I have to wait two weeks for my new doc appointment to find out what is wrong with my foot. I bet you 100 bucks that they find nothing wrong with it! That will just about kill me, I swear. I see my psychiatrist the week before my appointment. I am going to tell her that if they don’t find anything wrong with it, I am done seeing doctors and I am done with life. There is no reason for me to go on if i am going to be in pain all the time. This just sucks so bad.

I don’t know what my therapist is going to say. I texted her that I was thinking of emptying the bottle. I doubt I will get a response. I never get a response from her. I get frustrated with her, too. I am just in agony and no one knows about it, except for you, the blogger world and internet. But will anyone care that I am in horrendous pain? I doubt it. I am just so tired, exhausted, of dealing with this pain all the time. Sure it is worse at night. At night I battle it more. I don’t know why that is. No one knows why that is. I guess because I am at rest? but that doesn’t make any sense! I shouldn’t be in pain if I am at rest!! I should take some neurontin. Maybe what I am feeling is nerve pain, not physical pain and that is why the pain medication isn’t working. I don’t know. I really don’t want to get up again to get more pills. I am tired of taking pills. I take so many pills for different conditions. One for this, another for that. It is so redundant. Yet without these pills, I can’t function properly.

I don’t want to die right now. Yet I don’t want to live either. It is such a conundrum. I just want the pain to stop. I don’t think that is too much to ask for?? I really feel like no one understands the pain that I am in. If they did, they would try and help me more. I get to see one more doctor for the same condition that i have had for the last three years. I thought that the AFO would have helped me but no, it is making things worse. Yet if I don’t walk with it, I am in more pain than without it. I know I am probably feeling sorry for myself. But if I don’t, who is?

nuances of Chronic Pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Today has already been a long day. I again had weird dreams and then woke up before my alarm by at least a half hour. I didn’t do anything to wake up. I just went to the bathroom and then went back to sleep until the alarm went off. I should have grabbed a pop tart as I was hungry by the time I got dressed and stuff. I had my coffee and wrote until it was time to see my doc.

I am happy that I my PCP listened to me and gave me enough pills to cover me for the month. However, I am unable to fill it. I have to wait two days for my next refill. I had a feeling it was going to be too early and I was right. Fuck! I have two pills to last me 2.5 days? And then the pharmacist tells me they are changing the classification of the medication. I don’t know what that means. She said I would have to go to the doctor to get the prescription. Well, I do that anyways so I don’t see the big deal. They already ask me for my ID. Now if they need a diagnosis, they are getting cauda equina syndrome.

After my appointment, I felt a little energetic so I walked the long block to the other bus stop. I did it in less than 10 mins, which is good for me. It was 0.4 miles. I am guessing that is my limit without pain. If I walk more than that, then I am hurting, which is good to know. I didn’t have to walk back so that was good. I figure, if I can slowly increase my walk route, from where I walked before (1.2 miles roundtrip) I should be able to slowly lose weight and feel better about walking. But then there are days where just going around the block can cause me pain so I guess today is a good day. It started out rough because I was walking in mud. I didn’t think I would be able to walk to the bus stop when I left my house this morning. But after my doctor’s appointment, I had some energy and felt like I could do it. I know there are time I might not be always able to, but today I count that as an accomplishment. Now, to just hope that I am not hurting big time tonight and the next few days. My ankle is throbbing but it’s mild. I am not swearing, least not yet.

So I am disappointed that I can’t get the new script filled and that next month might be more of a hassle getting it filled. I knew these changes were going to happen. It’s all because a senator’s son overdose on narcotic medication. His belief is that the meds “caused him to commit suicide, not the pain”. What a crock. He is clueless so people with chronic pain now have to suffer because of this idiot, who is not even a medical professional!! I really “love” when these non-medical people make decisions for us. It makes treating chronic pain that much more difficult and no one many commit suicide because they cannot be helped by their doctors.

I did have a problem with making a month appointment with my doctor for next month. I just hope it isn’t too soon or too late. That is the problem that I have been having lately, getting an appointment with my doctor for my pain meds. It shouldn’t be this hard. So I have to wait for the secretary to call me.

I am glad I can walk the distance I did today. I hope that tomorrow I can walk again without pain. But we’ll see what happens tonight.

Sore As Hell

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Sore as all hell

I woke up around 0630 this morning. I was still in pain so I took my meds and then played my game until I passed out again. I only slept for about two hours. When I got up, both my legs were sore from yesterday’s excursion. My calves feel so damn sore it is not funny and they are both tight. Stretching them just causes me pain. I have been do it little by little all day to try and get them to loosen up to no avail. I wish I had a bathtub. I think the hot water would help my legs so much. But I don’t. My ankle and foot are still swollen, though not as much as last night. They still hurt more than my calves. I am glad I decided not to go anywhere today. Only thing I planned on doing was calling a junk towing place to get my junk car but I didn’t even do that so FAIL.

Last night, I was going through my twitter feed and one of the anti-suicide organizations had a tweet that really pissed me off. The tweet said “suicide should never be an option”. BULLSHIT. You mean to tell me someone dying from the indignity of say Parkinson’s disease shouldn’t have the right to end their life when the time came? BULLSHIT. Or if they were dying from terminal cancer? Or ALS? I can go on, but I think you have my point. Sure, someone with depression *may* not have that as an option but in all humanity, it should remain as an option. I don’t want to live in a world where it isn’t. I know there is a 100% chance of me developing Alzheimer’s disease. I have the genes from BOTH sides of my family. If I become too much of a burden on my nieces and nephew, I want the option to kill myself. Or I will move to a state where assisted suicide is allowed by law. Course, that is if I don’t take my life before then.

I have many reasons for contemplating suicide. I live in chronic physical pain every day. I know suicide will be the cause of my death one day. I can’t picture myself living to “old” age, whatever that is now a days. I am 38 yet I feel like I am 90. I ache something fierce every single day. And if it is not one thing, it’s another.

Another thing that pisses me off about the anti-suicide campaigns is that they want zero (0) suicides. Again, they are living in a dream world. Sure, we can hope that the rate decreases, I am all for that, but to have zero suicide? That is just unrealistic to me. There is always going to be someone that ends up dying by suicide some where in the world. It’s just the way humans are.

increased pain levels, YAY…NOT

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain

I had a long day today. I didn’t sleep good. I hope that I sleep good tonight because I have a big day tomorrow. I am not looking forward to it. It’s another day with my father and I know it is going to stress me out like it normally does. And the docs wonder why I have high blood pressure! Speaking of those idiots, they haven’t gotten back to me about whether I should be on three medications for it or not. I haven’t gotten the 3rd filled because my pharmacy doesn’t list it as ready. I rather not take it.

I had a stressful therapy session. It was complete with Jekyll coming in and out. I think he is a little guy as he was scared to come out, though he was really angry. Or maybe he is just a part of me that is angry and I won’t let it out. Either way, my anger never was expressed. A lot of memories got stirred. I wrote about it in a password protected blog. It is for my therapist only. I hate having to keep writing stuff in blog format and having her read it that way. If she had email, it would be so much simpler. But no. She refuses so I have to blog things to have her read it. Only other alternative is the old paper and pen letter via snail mail. I have done this and continue to do it. Though, I don’t know who benefits from it, me or her.

My mood was all over the place today. I still am exhausted from not sleeping good. I will be going to bed shortly when I finish this blog and I hope that I do sleep. I have been playing my game on and off since 6 am. I am going to have something to eat and then I am going to bed. I don’t know why I get hungry when I take my night meds. If I don’t eat, I am thinking or dreaming about food. I think I will have a bowl of cinnamon toast crunch cereal. I haven’t had that in a while.

I had my coffee today. I took a shower. I even brushed my teeth. Not in that order, but it happened. I hope that I can wake up early tomorrow and eat something good as I know last time I didn’t eat for my father’s appointment, I got cranky and wicked irritable. Then I felt dizzy when I got home. Not good! If I have time tomorrow, I will try and get to Walgreens and buy some pop tarts to take with me should hunger strikes. I will need it. I also have to remember to take my BP meds because I forgot to take them today. I hate taking morning meds for that reason. It was easier in the hospital because they nag you until you take them but when you are home, you don’t have that nag. I should take it when I remember to, but this morning my ankle was hurting me and I really didn’t feel like getting out of bed.

For three days now, I have been experiencing the same pain in my ankle. I think I might have done something to it, but what I am not sure. It is annoying because I can’t bear weight on it. Taking a shower tonight really aggravated it. Last night I had to take extra duty pain meds to quiet it down. But now the pain has shot up again. It is driving me insane. I don’t see my doc until next week. I am going to have him change the order to taking two pills twice a day. That should give me enough coverage that I need, because one pill isn’t doing squat!