Tag: writing

An Accomplishment

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, depression

Today was a somewhat good day. I did something that I haven’t done in almost five years. I took a shower, then got dressed, and went out. Normally, the shower alone takes a lot out of me and I need a nap. But not today. I feel a sense of accomplishment in doing these three things. I wasn’t out long. I went to the pharmacy to pick up my prescription. I wanted ice cream but they didn’t have the flavor I wanted. Bummer. So I got a bag of chips and a Pepsi instead. Not what I wanted but still satisfied my junk food urge.

I have been in a down mood the last few days. Yesterday, all I did was sleep. The high of my book being out has come down. I know it has only been a few days but people aren’t buying, or maybe they are and the stupid stats thing is wrong. It can take up to a month to get the stats sales. So in the meantime, I am trying not to obsess about it, but it gives me something to do as nothing else seems to interest me. I just feel really down. And my brain is like “excited” in a hallucinogenic way. I have been taking my meds but there were a few days I skipped my dose. I wonder if it is catching up to me know. I just feel really paranoid, like I am constantly being watched. I hope it goes away and voices don’t spring up.

The book I am reading about breakout novels is not helping me calm down. It is making me want to write more on my Darkness story but I don’t know what to write. I feel like it is done and it is time to move to my other stories. But I feel like it is too soon to get another book going. I want to relish on my first one for a while before starting the formatting for my new book. The other stuff has been written, I just need to fine tooth comb it to make it perfect. Who knows, maybe it will do better than my first. I just did a Google search and I am on page three. Granted my blog is the majority under the search terms “midnight demon cauda equina). But like anything on Google, you need to type specifics in order for it to be on the first page.

I haven’t had any overseas sales, yet. I am hoping to get them soon as I just posted to my support group again. I also have my writer friend that I am hoping to help spread to her survivor networks. She tried to post on FB and failed because most of the people were at the AAS conference. She said she will try again after Easter.

I am hoping this book does well. I have gotten two good reviews but they are my editor and my cousin. I am thankful they wrote but not sure they really count, but I will take them. It took a lot of me to put this book out there. My second proof has not come yet. The first did and it is crap, of course. I am so glad I looked at the formatted template where they had the copyright page because I totally didn’t put one in. I just worry that someone from somewhere is going to say that I plagiarized the CAMS and Aeschi work that I wrote. I tried really hard to write in my own words as possible but things like the SSF being what it is, I have to explain it in detail. I just can’t say Suicide Status Form and leave it at that. No writer can do that.

Chronic Pain is No Joke

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression

Chronic pain is no joke

It has been a while since my left foot has been acting up. The last two days have been really bad. I think it is because of the weather changes, temps going from 30 to 60 always wreck havoc on me.

Though I have had a rough day, my thoughts right now are focused on my foot and its throbbing. I seriously want it to stop but there is nothing I can take to calm it down. I already took my pain meds two hours ago and can’t take another dose for another two to four hours. I am in such agony that I want to cut my foot off. I don’t have any power tools in my room so that is a good thing. And I can’t bear weight on my foot so I can’t get to the basement where there are the tools that I need. I hate being in so much pain.

I didn’t do much today, in the way of walking or standing. I did stand a lot yesterday, which is probably why my foot is killing me. There were a bunch of kids at the bus stop yesterday and I couldn’t sit down like I normally could. And it wasn’t like the kids were going to let me sit down. They were running and jumping all over the place. One little kid was actually looking at me like I had ten heads when I decided to move to another spot while waiting for the bus. It was like I wasn’t supposed to move. Now I am paying the price in increased nerve pain and physical pain. Plus my foot is swollen so that is NOT helping my case at all.

I am so tired but I can’t sleep because of the pain. My foot needs to settle down to at least a 5 on a scale of 1-10. Right now it’s a 9. I am glad I already took my night time meds because to get up again will be torture. I just hope I don’t have to go to the bathroom any time soon. Going down the stairs will kill me.

Why does my foot hurt? Because it is an asshole. But seriously, no one knows why. I have nerve damage in my foot and a little of what is known as Complex Regional Pain Syndrome (CRPS). I got the nerve damage from a ruptured disc thirteen years ago. Then I got another ruptured disc five years later but at a different level. I have had many problems with my left leg, mostly stemming from my back. I have herniated discs throughout my lumbar spine. I just hope that me lifting and carrying three cases of sprite didn’t hurt me in anyway. I will find out tomorrow. I know my arms are going to be sore.

THROB THROB THROB. That is all my foot does to aggravate me and put me in a bad mood. And there is nothing I can take for the throbbing. I just have to wait for it to settle on its own. Sometimes, if I feel like it, an NSAID gel will calm it down. But right now, I can’t touch my foot. Just the sheets on my bed are bothering it. It is that sensitive. I also love how all the veins in my foot are popping out like no tomorrow. Another sign that it is CRPS. And my foot is so hot, like it is on fire. I wish I had a fire extinguisher for it but none exists. That is what kills me all the time, the burning sensation in my foot. So I have the throbbing, burning, stabbing, bone-crushing pain going on. I really want to lob off my foot. I could cry but I am not a crying guy.

About being a Suicide Attempt Survivor

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, suicide, suicide attempt survivor

About being a Suicide Attempt Survivor

A few weeks ago, I wrote a blog about how it was shameful to me being called a suicide attempt survivor. Though it wasn’t hurtful, it was more embarrassing. I think it was because there is great shame in dealing with suicide as everyone has an opinion, good or bad, on the topic.

Those feelings have changed since I published my book and the American Association of Suicidology approved a new division on suicide attempt survivors. I feel like I don’t have to hang my head in shame anymore, that I can be free to express my suicidality and not be shunned. I always felt that if someone knew about my suicidality, they would not be receptive to me or be judgmental. That may still be the case with some people, but at least I feel welcomed with an organization that helped me deal with my suicidality and try to overcome it. It wasn’t easy. It was a long road. I still feel suicidal at times. Even though I had a huge accomplishment this week with the publication of my book, I still felt like offing myself. I just felt like my job was done but really it is only beginning. I need to spread the word about my experiences and that there is treatment available if you just look for it. The training of clinicians in suicide prevention, intervention, and postvention needs to happen and what better way than through the experience of an attempt survivor or a person with lived experience. I hope that one day, clinicians are not threatened by the word suicide and are eager to help those that are feeling like taking their life.

In my book, I talk about two frameworks that have helped me in my recovery. They are CAMS (Collaborating, Assessment, and Managing of Suicide) and the Aeschi Model. These frameworks take away the therapist as expert and put the client/patient in charge of their treatment. Through an empathic and non-judgmental ear, his story is told and the learning of what makes that person suicidal is learned. It is completely individualized as no two suicidal people are suicidal for the same reason. You cannot lump suicidal people together and hope that one treatment works. It must be individualized. Just like not all medication work for all people, dealing with suicide can be a trial and error situation. But it takes willingness on the part of the clinician to make this so. Clinicians cannot always count on the hospital being the cure all for suicidal thinking. It must be dealt with in an outpatient setting as more and more hospital beds are becoming scarce.

more about my book

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Today has been a wash. I didn’t go to sleep until in the wee hours of the morning so I decided to take something stronger than Ativan for sleep. The medication has me so hungover that I have been sleeping on and off today.

I got really excited today. It took only a few hours for Amazon to post my book on their site. I am excited because I am ranked 66,188 on their best seller’s list! I am sure that will change but right now I am happy. My Kindle is in the 200Ks but will drop. For some reason after I dropped the price, the ranking went up. But oh well. I sold another copy today.

I am a stats geek. I love numbers. But I won’t know what my sales are until the end of the month! I am so saddened by this. There is no point checking my sales report constantly because unless they use createspace to purchase my book, I have no idea who is buying my book. But a different seller is posting my book for more than the listed price as “new’. I don’t think I will get any royalties from them, but if they buy through Amazon, I am golden. So far that is the only other place selling my book.

I had therapy today and told her that I was suicidal. I wasn’t active in that I would do something, more like I wish I wasn’t alive. I know I should be jumping for joy with the release of my book but I just don’t feel it. My friends and family have been supportive with the book and all, but I just don’t think I am good enough. I have been fretting over the book’s format, which is why it was taking me so long to release my book. It has been the small things that have been creeping in my doubts. Then we talked about her getting my book and I told her it will be easier for me to send it to her or give it to her in person than her trying to order it. She is not computer savvy. Course I didn’t help matters by sending her two wrong links. I got a little dyslexic. The numbers for the link were right, just in the wrong order (www.createspace.com/4546715). I kept putting in 4546517, which doesn’t exist. I hope she picks the right text and orders my book. She is dying to have it. I told her she could have one of my proofs but she nixed that idea. I don’t know what I am going to do with two proofs. The only difference is that one will have a copyright page and be formatted correctly, somewhat.

Now that I am DONE with everything, I don’t know what to do with myself. I have been tweeting like crazy and keeping up with the AAS conference. They are live tweeting there panels. It is really interesting and you get to feel like you are there. But I am still wondering what I am going to do. I was planning on working on my second book but I am so done with trying to format things that I just can even fathom doing the work for that, now that I know what goes into it. I will wait for the summer to start working on my stories collection.

It really sucks that I have to wait 60 days to get paid from either Kindle or Amazon. And that is from April sales! But I guess it is good in a way. I just have to remember not to spend too much of my earnings for tax purposes. The first thing I am going to do with my check is go to the Capital Grille and get a filet mignon. That will be my reward. I also plan on going out with a few friends and celebrate. I wish they still had the wootstock Farking Wheaton. I loved that stout. But I am interested in getting an IPA to try. I am not a beer person at all but Wil Wheaton is and been learning about beer through him.

In case you missed my previous blog post about the AAS (American Association of Suicidology), they have formed a new division called Suicide Attempt Survivors (SAS) and People Lived Experiences. I am so happy to be a member and a contributor to their SAS blog. I couldn’t sleep last night because I was so excited. It was the last initiative from the former president of the AAS. She was instrumental in creating the blog and had me be a part of it. I will be having another blog post sometime this month. I can’t wait for it to come out. I will reblog it on my site when it is out.