Tag: writing

Doubts

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Doubts

I just got through my second read through edits on my book. Wow, I didn’t know how much of myself I am putting out there. I know I put a lot out in this blog, but having it in paperback is something different. Not saying it won’t sell, but I am just having my doubts about myself being out in the world, my wounds really exposed for all to see. I know I have an important message out to people, that people who survive suicide attempts can get their act together when they think they can’t. I also talk a lot about CAMS, probably more than I should, but I believe in the philosophy too much not to say a lot about it.

I am worried about my father. He is not doing well and definitely not himself. I spent the morning with him at his stupid PCP that took forever. I wish they would do something more for him but other than hospitalizing him, there is nothing more they can do for him. And I am not sure where he would go for his condition as his providers are scattered throughout the Boston area. Like me, he is a complicated case. And because his doc wants to see him later this week, I had to reschedule my appointment for my pdoc. Sucks, because now I know it will be at least another two weeks before I see her again. UGH.

I have been up since 5. I woke up in pain and still have the pain. But because I was driving most of the day, I couldn’t take anything for it. Now I am home and I am relaxing so I can take something. Tomorrow I am not going out. I need to recoop from today. I didn’t walk much but being up early and being in pain all day takes a lot out of you. I was hoping to have a session with my therapist today but doesn’t look like it is going to happen.

I tried taking a nap today but my book was on my mind too much. At one point I got so nervous, I thought I was going to puke. I emailed my editor and she said the decision was up to me. Thanks, that is helpful. People are looking forward to my paperback and what am I going to do if they don’t get it?? I just don’t know. If you are reading this and would like a copy of my book, please comment and tell me. Maybe that will sway me…

a longer blog: breathing hurts

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Longer Blog

I have been trying to nap the last few hours. I got the review approval from Amazon but then I realized I forgot to put in my references so had to go through the entire process again. Now I am waiting for another approval to get a proof. I am surprised the editor didn’t pick up on that, but then maybe she isn’t too academic like I thought. This book isn’t academic in the least but I still reference a few books to stress my point.

I told my therapist the other night that I planned on taking some medication tonight. I am struggling with resistance on doing so. Taking the meds might kill me or give me a heart attack as I am very sensitive to this drug. Just 0.25 mg will cause my heart to race. I told her I wouldn’t do it but didn’t promise I wouldn’t. I just feel so awful. I know, my book is about to be published. I should be feeling the opposite but I am not. I feel like I am never going to get out of this rut that I am in.

One thing that I have learned about the book “Writing The Breakout Novel” is that people read books through word of mouth more than reviews. So I just need a thousand people to spread the word on my book so I can be a millionaire. LOL Doubt that will happen but, you never know. I hate feeling nervous. It is not helping with the feelings of suicidality. I have tried everything today to try and chill. Music, Ativan, TV, and reading. I started reading “Uncle Tom’s Cabin” and finally got back to it. It’s a weird book. I have trouble reading old novels and let’s face it, “Uncle Tom” is not new. It was written before the Civil War by a female which is unheard of in those days and sold more than 100,000 copies. I just have a problem with the language of the book as sometimes I have no idea what the author is trying to say. It’s southern Afro-American dialect and that can be tough. I had a friend that used to clown around speaking that way and I could never understand what she was trying to say. She was from Georgia.
But the good news is that I can still use my tablet even though it is not hooked up to the Sprint network. Course I never used it on the network. I always used the wifi settings.

I took my night meds early tonight because I didn’t take them last night. I just hope I don’t have breakthrough bleeding because I took my pill late. I woke up at 1:15 am from a nap because yesterday was such a crazy day. I didn’t think I was going to sleep that late, but then I started working on formatting my book and I didn’t go back to sleep till six this morning. I was literally burning the midnight oil. But that what the demons do to me. They keep me up most of the night.

The hardest thing that I had to write was the description of the book. But I am proud of it. I don’t know why I still want to kill myself. I guess it never really goes away no matter what success you have in your life. If you feel like ending your life, it doesn’t matter what people think of you. Sometimes, family will hold you back but they can only do that for so long before you start feeling like a burden to them. I just can’t seem to get out of this rut that I am in and I am trying. I haven’t felt hopeful in weeks. I don’t feel depressed. I just don’t want to live. Breathing hurts and I want it to stop.

short blog

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Thought I would write a short blog on what has been happening the last few days.

Late Friday night, I get an email from my editor. I couldn’t believe it. So I couldn’t sleep, even though I had just taken my meds. I stayed up till four in the morning going over the revisions, changes, and corrections. She did a real good job.

So late last night, I decide to try and get my book ready for publication. It took me half the night to format the thing, pick out covers, write a blurb about the book. I hope the blurb is super because it was part of an email I sent to someone. Next thing I know, I am getting closer and closer to publishing with each step. I figure, I can’t stop now. It was around four that it got close to being done. By five, I am waiting for the review from Amazon and then I think it will be published. Fingers crossed, in the next few days I will be an author!

So for two nights, I haven’t slept. I have been sleeping during the day and it’s totally messing with me. I need coffee. But I think I will take a nap first.

The invisible weakness

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression, suicidality, writing

I spent most of the day wondering what to write today. I thought I would play with my dragon software that has been laying idle now for a month but had a yearning to listen to Garth Brooks so nixed that idea.

I have been reading the book “writing the breakout novel” by David Maass. Though I never attempted to write a novel, he is giving me ideas for my next book. I am thinking of writing about the most traumatic point in my life but fictionalizing it. I think I can do it. I don’t know if I can write a book about it, maybe a short story, but who knows. I will outline the chapters and such. This book helps with all of that. I could have a breakout novel or novelette.

On another note, been stewing on this all week and I finally can’t hold it in anymore. I have had trouble with my left ankle since 2009/2010. I can no longer stand for long period nor walk long distances like i used to. The reasons for this is not clear as every single test (xray/mri) has come back normal. The only thing that my doc still refuses to believe to this day (and I brought it up to him on Monday) is that I have nerve damage that flares up when I do too much because my ankle becomes fatigued. Because of this, I have gotten an AFO in 2011, took 2 bloody years to figure out that when I am fatigued, my ankle goes from a scale of 1-5, a 4 to a 3/2. AND HE STILL REFUSES TO BELIEVE THAT NERVE DAMAGE IS CAUSING MY PAIN. He thinks I haven’t found the right doctor yet. I have seen 10 of them over the course of 2010 to 2012, specialists from orthopedists, podiatrists, physiatrists, you name the specialty and I have seen them. But because NOTHING shows on the xray/MRI, they don’t want to treat me. Frankly, I know what is causing my pain as long as I don’t exert myself but that is hard to do. Just doing normal activities, standing to make an egg for example, will tire me out or standing to take a shower. I finally got disability but my doc thinks I could be more functional! Yea, if I could go back in time and fix my CES and not see the damn chiropractor! I am just so frustrated, actually beyond frustrated.

So when I bring up the fact that I have nerve damage in my foot and weakness, he brushes it aside as if it is nothing to think about. HUH??? But he still writes out my pain medication script and for that I am grateful because otherwise, the day he doesn’t do that is the day he signs my death certificate, far as I am concerned. My therapist and psychiatrist know this. Actually, I think my psychiatrist knows what is causing my pain but psychs don’t prescribe narcotic meds. It is a shame. Because if she could, and I wouldn’t have to deal with my PCP idiot, I would be a lot happier. I wouldn’t have to go through the rigmarole every month. There isn’t a doctor out there that wants to help me anymore that knows about nerve damage and weakness. If there was, I am sure I would have found them by now. I have seen at least five ankle specialists alone but because nothing shows up on the Xray, they just think I am fine. Well, I am fine. The damage is not in my tendons or bones per se. It is with the muscles that support my tendons and bones. When those muscles weakens, I start getting fatigued. The more fatigued I get, the more I try to walk improperly and that in turn causes me pain. I just wish my doc could understand this formula but nope. It has to be a PHYSICAL structure that is causing this. I am starting to think that if he were a psychiatrist, he wouldn’t believe I have depression because he wouldn’t be able to see it. Same thing. How I wish weakness (physical or mental) could show up on an X-ray. Maybe more people could be helped.

Right now, after all the little walking I did to get my mocha and a half gallon of milk, I am hurting. I have therapy in two hours and I am contemplating taking a pain med. But I am in a messed up mood anyways, so what difference does it make if I take it or not. Pain will only get worse and I rather deal with this level of pain than see it get worse.