Tag: writing

Saturday Blog 2

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

Saturday Blog 2

It has been a roller coaster day. I am still patiently waiting for the editor to send me back my manuscript. I am excited and anxious at the same time.

I didn’t do much today. I had coffee this morning with my sister that ended up with me taking my niece to my cousin’s house. I had the car for a little while. I took the long way home. It was nice. I got to listen to my country music station.

I started working on my Darkness short story as I got inspiration for it yesterday before the whole appointment fiasco. I thought I could write more today as I have been feeling depressed but wasn’t able to write more than what I had written. I feel like I am repeating myself and maybe I am. Darkness is always the same, it never changes. It fills you with bad thoughts and you always have a dark cloud following you that prevents light from shining through. The bad thoughts come back and you feel hopeless.

I am not sure how I feel right now. I just want to go to sleep. The weird dreams that I have been having seem to have left me. I am not getting them as often so my sleep has improved, though I still wake up at three in the morning. I woke up at this hour this morning because I had to go to the bathroom. When I came back to my room, I was awake. I stayed up till about six. I wasn’t in pain, I just couldn’t sleep. I think that is the nice thing about my game is that you can play it anytime of day.

I am getting better at reading, though I still get restless. I am reading at least ten pages or so before I get the restless feeling. I got a book from the library about writing novels. I don’t think the book is for me because I don’t really want to write fiction. I can write short stories but I don’t want something bigger than that. And I think the collection of small writings is a good idea for my next book. Today I bought one of my favorite author’s new short story book on Amazon. I miss reading his short stories. They almost always end in a cliffhanger. I hope to write like that some day. So maybe this book that I got from the library might help with that.

My crazy cousin called me again to check in on me. I didn’t have the chance to yell at him for calling my phone then calling my mother’s phone last night. WTF. If I don’t want to talk to you, don’t call my mother! I am glad my mother didn’t pick up. I don’t know why he does this. He is just annoying. I know he has issues, but come on. Have some decency.

I think I will take a shower tonight. I haven’t had one since Thursday. I try to go every other day, but sometimes that doesn’t work out too well. I just get lazy or too depressed. I can’t believe that it will be a week till I see my therapist again. Meeting three times this week isn’t possible because I have my PCP appointment Monday and then have my father’s appointment Tuesday. It sucks. But I am determined to keep my Wednesday appointment with her. I am canceling my neuro appointment. Screw them. I will call and cancel Monday. I don’t need to see my neuro anyways. Nothing has changed. Granted I would have liked her input on whether I need a nerve conduction test but I think the answer is no. My foot doctor thinks it might be useful but I am not going to be stuck with needles to find out what I already know: I have nerve damage. And with my pain medication and Neurontin, I can manage my pain. I just got to email her, anyways, to get a refill on it.

day gone wrong

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, medical

I had a long day. I thought I had an appointment with my neuro but apparently due to major miscommunications, it was yesterday, not today. I went there for nothing. No matter because I am cancelling the appointment on Monday. I am not going to miss an appointment with my therapist because of an incompetent office staff. I even called to confirm that I had an appointment today was told I did. I am beyond pissed and this isn’t the first time this has happened.

I started writing about the darkness and then got so aggravated I couldn’t think of what I wanted to write other than what an asshole staff my neurologist has. I will work on it this weekend. I am still in a bleak mood and as long as that doesn’t change, I think I will be fine for writing more on it.

In my frustration, I emailed my editor and blasted her with an ultimatum, either work on my stuff or I want a refund. She said that she will be working on my stuff this weekend. I hope so. I had to wait so damn long and she better be pristine. Or I am going to be more pissed than what I am right now. If we work this weekend, I can still get this hopefully printed by the second week in April. I won’t be able to have copies of it for the AAS conference but that is ok. I didn’t think production would happen anyways for that. Looks like I can’t back out of it now.

Last night I had some hallucinations that were not fun. Ever since my cousin told me about pink slime, I have been having paranoia about eating hamburger meat. Last night I was hungry as I skipped lunch and I bought hamburger patties. The voices got so insistent that I was going to die from eating this burger it took the enjoyment of eating a burger away. I still am having the same voice telling me there is pink slime everywhere. I am trying to ignore it but this voice is one of the annoying kind. I have to take some trilafon to make it go away. Or I am not going to be able to eat anything, even if I make it. Even as I was eating my burrito today, the voices were calling the guacamole pink slime. I was getting disgusted so only hate half of the burrito. Now I don’t know why these voices have crept up. I know I am a little stressed with my book and all. And today was a real annoying day. My cousin kept on calling me three fucking times just to bust my balls. I kept telling him I was annoyed and didn’t feel like talking but he kept on calling. And no use trying to just have him talk to voicemail because he will start calling my mother’s phone and bother her. I kid you not. He is the literal meaning of pain in the ass.

I cried today because I was so upset with my neurologist’s office staff. I know I am going to get charged for missing the appointment but I am NOT going to pay it as they gave me the wrong information. Plus no one called to confirm the appointment and they usually do, 48 hours before the appointment. So they can just stuff the payment up their *****.

I am relieved the editor got back to me and will start working on my book tomorrow. I was really starting to think she took off with my money. Now I can relax a little bit, least until the edits come in, LOL

There’s nothing magical about writing…

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression

“There’s nothing magic about writing; it’s a learned skill”.—Tom Young

I got this quote from a writer’s tip twitter follower. I thought it was poignant as my therapist thinks that I have these skills as writer. She is in awe of my writing. Some times, I have to admit, that I am in awe myself. But writing, I guess, has always come naturally to me. In recent months, all I needed was a phrase to go on. For example, my writing buddy gave me the phrase, “write the pain” and I went off with it and it was a nice piece of writing. I am thinking of collecting these blogs and publishing them into a book. I think they would be a nice short story collection for my next book. But first I need to publish my first book before I start thinking about my second one.

I got a message from my editor that today she will be off as she will be spending time with her family. I just hope when she starts work tomorrow, I am on the list. I am so sick of waiting for her services to start. I know I should start looking for another editor but I don’t have the greenbacks nor would I know where to look. Definitely, not on FB again. And the editors in my area are pretty pricey, like thousands of dollars as they go by word. It would cost me like $50,000 to see my book edited. I don’t have that kind of money, nor should I think that I should pay per word. I think I am just stuck waiting for this editor because I don’t have the back bone to go to her and tell her I need my book edited NOW or I want my money back. I even had a dream where I did this but unfortunately, I woke up before I could see the response. LOL. I am paid in full for services so I don’t know why she is taking so friggin long. I just am so frustrated waiting. It’s like half my life is spent just waiting for people. I have to have gotten my patience back because otherwise I think I would have said something by now. All I do know is that she better be damn good for me to wait this long.

I know for the past few weeks all I have been writing about is my book, but it’s such a big part of what is going on with me right now and it has produced stress for me. And writing about it has helped with my anxiety level.

Today I got a haircut, after two months of not seeing barber. I also dropped off my prescription, only to be told that the doctor needs to change it because they no longer carry the 1 mg pills. I am so annoyed by this. I am glad I am not completely out of my meds but I will if this doesn’t get resolved. I have a few days at best. My doctor is usually good at filling my prescription fast so I am not worried. After this, I decided to go back out and get a mocha. I did some writing at Starbucks. I wrote a letter to my therapist and journaled a little bit. Then it was time to head back home. I got my mother a couple dozen eggs and got myself turkey bacon. I have been craving turkey bacon for a while. I was going to have it tonight for supper but my mother made a type of broccoli soup so I had that instead. I don’t think I could have made the bacon anyways as my ankle has been taxed enough for today. It already became stiff when I started going down the stairs to check for mail. Every time I think I can rejoin the workforce, I have a setback. Tomorrow I have to see my neurologist. That appointment is going to be a waste of time. My neuro has gone holistic on me so is not medically based. But I like her and will humor her as she explains the benefits of chair yoga and the like. She should be a life coach as she tries to incorporate healthy living skills during our appointments. Only doctor I know that does this. But then my doctors are a funny bunch. I have to tell her about the thigh pain that I have been having. I think one of my discs have shifted right as I am getting pain down my right thigh. Usually, all my pain is on my left side, so it is quite unusual to have it on my right. I hope it’s nothing too serious. Because if I get CES again, I will kill myself. I am not going to go through surgery again. I will never be able to work again as I will need a fusion. And so far everyone that I know that has had one, never was able to work again in the capacity they had before surgery. It scares me to think that I might have to have surgery again because my whole lumbar spine is fucked up. I have my L2/L3 verterbraes overlapping one another instead of being in a line and the other discs are all herniated. My L5/S1 is herniated so much it touches my nerve root. But they don’t want to do anything about it. I guess as long as it is not compressing the nerve, I am okay and I am okay with that. I haven’t noticed any weakness in my leg, just radiating pain on occasion, nothing constant. That is a good sign but it is worth mentioning just the same. It has been a while since my last MRI. I don’t even remember when I had it done last. Probably in 2010 or 2009 when my ankle was flaring up big time and we were thinking it was coming from the back. The only thing that sucks is that there was no contrast injected because I am a hard stick. I tried to stay hydrated enough so I could get stuck but the technician couldn’t find a vein good enough for the IV contrast. It sucks having to get stuck but it’s important because the contrast shows the difference between new stuff and old stuff.

My Suicidal Mind

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression

Today my therapist asked me if I was suicidal, or specifically, if I was having suicidal thoughts. I had to think about it for a few minutes before answering. And the answer is not so much. I haven’t sat down and thought about killing myself in a few weeks now. I am not saying I am no longer suicidal because that would be inaccurate. If given the chance, I would act on a suicidal plan in a heartbeat. It’s just that I am not thinking about it all the time anymore, 24/7. Then she asked me about my perturbation, press, and psychache, the three P’s of the suicidal cubic model. When all three are at a 5, suicide is imminent. Over the last few years I have ranged from a 4-4-5 to a 5-5-4. Always close to killing myself but not quite there. Granted there have been times that I needed to do something to get rid of the pain so I would self-medicate, usually. But lately, I haven’t been perturbed. I haven’t been feeling press. And my psychache has only increased due to my transgender issues. It varies. Some days it is worse than others.

My suicidal thoughts are also partly dependent on my physical pain. I haven’t had a bad pain flare up in the last few weeks. I had pain today that prevented me from going out, again. Seems I have been waking up in pain the last few mornings and I am not liking this. It just ruins my day. I really wanted to go see my therapist today, and I would have if my stupid foot wasn’t hurting. It makes me depressed big time but it doesn’t necessarily make me suicidal all the time.

I have not been in a dark mood in quite some time. I am fearful that it might come back. I am trying not to be too hopeful about things because I know things are always going to suck no matter what. Like my editor not getting back to me is putting added stress on me. I know that she hasn’t gotten to my book because I am a bad writer, but I can’t help but feel that way sometimes. I am hoping she gets to me this week, after her day off. I am really, really disappointed that I am not going to be publishing the first week of April. I had wanted to get a few books out to the AAS conference in Los Angelas. But now that doesn’t seem likely either.

I feel like I have a fractured ego right now, that one wrong thing someone says to me and I will have a meltdown of some kind. I just feel a pressure building up and I don’t know where the release valve is. Right now things are ok, but I am sure any stress thrown in my direction is going to set me off. I guess that is why I have not thought about a suicidal plan. It would be too tempting to have one in place should I have a meltdown.

Also my therapist wanted to ask me a question about my transgender stuff but we ran out of time. I am kind of glad because we have been talking about that most of the week. I am glad next week we don’t meet three times. She wants to meet with me any time she has an opening. But next week I have appointments for myself and my dad. I am not looking forward to my appointment as it is with my PCP. I also have an appointment with my neurologist this week. That appointment is a joke. She meets with me and just tells me to join yoga. Not happening. We also talk about other stuff. I am going to bring up my neck hurting me and my hand/arm falling asleep. It has been happening a little bit too much for my liking. The weird part is that I will be sleeping on my left side when my right arm falls asleep. I hope I don’t have herniated discs in my neck. That will suck.