Tag: writing

in a foul mood

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression

I’m in a foul mood. I just woke up and my foot is hurting me like I did something while I slept. I was on my back when I woke up so that might have had something to do with it. I woke up a few hours ago, like around three so my sleep has been shitty none the less. I just can’t seem to stay asleep with the pain. I didn’t do anything outside the ordinary today so why am I in so much pain???

I feel like taking a shower even thought it’s almost seven in the morning. I woke up around six. I just feel disgusting. The last time I took a shower was Wednesday. But maybe I will take it later today. I just hate waking up in pain all the time.

I wrote to a friend about the rope situation. He lives in South Africa and wants me to give him the rope. Funny but I don’t think I can. I would have to ship it to him. LOL But seriously, I know I should get rid of it. I just don’t know if I want to or not. I am going to call my friend, my “hubby” (long story), and I know he will come and get it from me. I can give it to him tomorrow as I have plenty of time to kill before my pdoc appointment. And it will be good to see him again. I haven’t seen him since we were celebrating something with a Farking Wheaton WootStout. It was a very good stout and I didn’t drink that much. He drank more than I did. I just had a glass, he had the bottle, LOL. He is a dear friend of mine that I know won’t ask too much about the whys of giving him the rope. I know that it will be obvious because he knows I have bad depressions. There have been a couple of times I have called him in distress over the years. He always makes me laugh. He can never take the serious stuff too seriously. It’s his personality.

I am going to ask my pdoc about being put on another antidepressant, this one is an older one. I found a journal that says that I was on it for a bit but I don’t remember the reason for going off it. I am really desperate to see anything and this med supposedly helps with sleep. That will be good if I can get 6-8 straight hours a night. But according to what I read, you can’t take it if you are on an antipsychotic. So I might be out of luck with restarting this med. But we’ll see. My pdoc might just veto it altogether anyways because of the side effects or because of the other medication I take. But it will be better than trying an SSRI again. I have been tempted to try the Zoloft but I don’t want to get sick off it. Almost all of the SSRI’s cause me to be nauseous and get the dry heaves. The only medication in this class I have not tried is Effexor and that is because it is known to cause a stomach upsets. I can’t win with medication. I don’t know why I see my pdoc. I get frustrated with her, well not her specifically, but the situation that I am in. She is supposed to help me and there is no longer anything more that she can do. It is very discouraging. And when you are suicidal, it is just downright hopeless.

Mood has not improved since taking a shower. I feel like I have a migraine coming on so I just took something. Maybe that is why I feel so grumpy and why any type of sound annoys me. I was snoozing earlier and I think I might have done something to my neck. Shit if it ain’t one thing it’s another. I hate it when I have a “silent” migraine. It’s been happening lately where I won’t get the headache but I will get all the symptoms of the migraine: nausea, sensitivity to light and sound, irritability and a tension in my neck and back of my head. I should have known I was getting a migraine when I was nauseous yesterday for no reason. Because today is Sunday, I don’t have transportation to Starbucks unless I steal my sister’s car. But it’s kind of cold and rainy out and I hate driving in those conditions. If it was my car, I probably wouldn’t care.

I still am feeling somewhat suicidal, more so with my grumpy mood. I just don’t get why I have to live. I know I should publish my book but what am I going to then, kill myself? Show the world I survived my evil thoughts and finally caved in? Doesn’t make much sense. Which further puts me in a grumpy mood…

awful session with therapist

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

It came! My World Series cap finally arrived today. I hope it would have lifted this awful mood I am in but it hasn’t.

I don’t know where to begin. I had an awful session with my therapist last night. She was asking what to do with her anxiety and how it could be put to rest. I said valium is the answer. She said that wouldn’t make me less suicidal. True but she could zone out about it. I am joking here. I know suicide is not a joking matter but this is my blog and I will say what I want. She talked about how her anxiety revolves around my safety and she just doesn’t think I am safe anymore so how can she simply ignore that when I keep talking about putting a rope around my neck. And that is not to accessorize. (ok, another bad joke.) I think she should consult with someone. I really think that SHE needs someone to talk to about my case. Maybe they could help her. I know you can’t go alone when you are dealing with someone and their suicidality. That goes for client and therapists. I will tell her this on Tuesday when I see her. Or just send her this blog so she reads it and maybe it sticks in her head a little bit better.

I don’t know why I am in such a rotten mood. I guess because I made my therapist cry and I feel bad about that. Another indication that we are too close. I so very badly want to cancel Tuesday’s appointment but I have no where to go that day. Monday I see my psychiatrist. I don’t know how much of this I am going to tell her. We (therapist and I) talked about the hospital but what good will it do me. They don’t have you talk about stuff when you are there. They make you fill out a distress tolerance bullshit form. Like that is really going to help in times of wanting to put a fist through the wall. I don’t feel like doing that. I do feel like finishing off my bottle of whiskey. What would it hurt? Except for writing more “truth serum” blogs? I guess I am feeling hurt because that is really the only time I want to drink. Listening to Lady Antebellum is helping. They have made some their song acoustic and it is really cool. I need music right now to right this wrong I feel that I have done.

No one in my family knows about this. I haven’t talked to anyone. I wrote a friend an email asking what do I do but I haven’t heard back from her yet. It might be a few days till I hear back from her. She is the slowest person to respond to email because she is so busy. So I wait.

Other than a blogger friend, I really have no one to talk to about this kind of stuff. But I am just not in the mood for talking right now. Today is my sister’s birthday and I am supposed to go to her party in about four hours from now. I really don’t feel like it. I just want to stay in my warm bed and hide under the covers. I forgot to get her a birthday card but then I think that birthday cards are stupid. All anyone cares about is what is inside. They don’t care what the card says. And they are more expensive now than they were in the past. Some as much as four fricken dollars? For something someone glances at and then junks? Seems ridiculous to me and a waste of money.

I have eaten only small meals today. I am starting to get hungry but I don’t feel like eating. I hate that. I just don’t know what I want. I kind of want Pad Thai but I think I will get that Monday when I see my pdoc as the restaurant is around the corner and it is a late appointment. Even if I wanted to go into the hospital I can’t. Not until I see my PCP for my monthly pain check visit. He is another one that wants me to call him if I feel like acting on something. What is he really going to do I have no clue. Not like I am really going to call him anyways. I have a crazy, lunatic therapist and my pdoc to call first.

issues of control and books

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression, suicide, suicide attempt survivor

I finally got Andrew Solomon’s new book Far From The Tree today and as expected, it is big! I am glad I got the hardcover and not the paperback because I know I probably would have wrecked the spine. I don’t know when I am going to start reading it. My reading concentration has been nil since finishing Team of Rivals. I have been trying to get into a Harry Potter book but even that seems overwhelming to me and I love reading Harry Potter. Chock it up to the depression being lousy. I still have at least three other book that I have not read but are on my list. One is a book about the American Revolution, a Civil War battles book, and another book on Lincoln. Can you tell I love history?? I also have others that I won’t mention because they will cover the whole spectrum of things. I always seem to buy books, a lot, in a short period of time and then when it comes time to reading them, I can’t decide which one to choose. And I have to say there are at least two books on my Kindle that are not read yet. I am an avid reader. I still have not finished re-reading Noonday Demon, though at this present time, I don’t know where it is. I know it is in one of my many bags.

I still have a clinical book, cognitive therapy for suicide behavior, that I have not finished. I will have to read that over because I forgot where I left off. If I start reading a book and leave it off in the middle for a long time, in this case more than a year, I usually start from the beginning just to refresh the old noodle.

I am having a slow day today. I just woke up from a nap and was hoping the mail came so I can have my World Series Baseball cap but looks like just the bulk mail got delivered. Dammit! I have decided that in order for me to cut my hair short again, I have to lose at least five pounds in the next two weeks. Which is going to be difficult because I love Thanksgiving and my mother is making the turkey and desserts. So much delicious food. Will I have the will power to stop myself from overeating?? Probably not which is why I am starting the diet today so I can indulge a little bit next week. But for right now I have to stay away from my mother’s chocolate chip cookies. They are my true weakness.

A friend of mine asked me to be part of a research study and it had a follow up interview as part of the thing. I should have said no and went on my way but I like taking parts in interviews. This one is about suicide attempt survivor and some family related stuff, which I don’t think it going to be useful to her because my family knows of three possible attempts and not the many. It is going to be tough and I am not sure I can do this. But then I always think of the worse and it never ends up being that way.

I have set my goal for the rest of the month. If I can get to page 100 I will get myself Starbucks coffee for home use. This way I don’t have to worry about going out for coffee on those days that I need to stay home. I just have to make sure I have half/half. I am thinking about making coffee now so I will stop here to have my fix.

Shouldn’t have gone out today

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, CES, chronic physical pain, suicide attempt

Shouldn’t have gone out today

Today is a CES day that I should have listened to my body instead I gave into my coffee needs. What does a CES day entail, well, when it involves the bowels, you stay home so you don’t shit yourself. And today was one of those days. I thought after going twice already I would be ok. Wouldn’t you know that the third time was the trick?? I was not even a block from my house when my bowels erupted. I was hoping to make it and I failed. I feel humiliated and disgusted with myself. It’s not every day that this happens. And it was more than just sharting (farting and shitting at the same time). I didn’t even fart, which to me was the worse of it. Then I could say that it was more than a fart but not this time. I soiled myself and I felt degraded like I do every time this happens. I was having a good day and now I just want to die from the humiliation I feel. Worse part is that I can’t even share this with anyone but myself and therapist and maybe my support group.

As I was in the bathroom, I decided I needed a shower. I had to. So I asked my mother to bring me a towel. She saw that I didn’t have underwear and figured I had messed myself as I was crapping my bowels out. She didn’t say anything. I don’t know if I was relieved or angry. But at least I didn’t have to explain myself. I think that horror would have really brought out the cutting urges. I stood longer in the shower than I probably should but didn’t care. I know my ankle is going to thank me later for this indiscretion.

I am listening to David Nail because that is what kind of mood I am in. He sings sad songs and it resonates with me. I need that kind of soothing that his voice brings. I think he is the only male artist that touches me this way.

I’m waiting to hear back from my therapist. Hope she calls soon.