Mood has shifted just a little bit but I still have not left the house for anything. I just feel like my world is coming to an end and there is nothing I can do about it. Least today the numbness wore off just a little bit to let some feelings in so I can write a bit.
Got a bunch of paperwork, one for the group therapy place and the other from my long term disability place. Each packet is like twenty pages. I have my work cut out for me. Though I hardly have the energy to do it. I still need to get my taxes done. I keep saying tomorrow and tomorrow comes and goes. I feel weighed down though I don’t know from what.
I stopped taking the birth control pill last night to hurry things up. I figure there is no point taking them for the rest of the week if I am just going to stop them anyway. I’m kind of scared because I don’t know what kind of havoc this is going to place on me mentally. So far there has been no change in my menses and thankfully I don’t have any cramps. But the wearing of female products I still killing me. I just have gotten so used to not having a menstrual cycle that now it just feels so overwhelming. It’s making me so depressed and suicidal that all I can think about is ending my life because I don’t want to go through with this. That is what my suicidality is truly about. Not being able to cope with my false identity. And I am really pissed off that no one really cares except for my therapist. She is kind of freaked out right now as my mood is unpredictable. I know my friend that I have been writing with is kind of worried too though she is pretending she is not. I just don’t have many people to talk to about this. I feel that it’s too much information or just to hard to try and explain.
I just don’t know if I will be ok during this period. I know my shrink is worried since my post the beginning of the week. I still want to cut but the feeling come and go. I haven’t yet but that doesn’t mean I won’t. I hate that I love walking about in t-shirts all the time. If I start wearing long sleeve shirts my family might notice something off. Cutting is a huge thing to cover up. I used to not care when I was a teen, but now that I am an adult it still is kind of hard to cover up when you have a 7 yr old that smells band aids a mile a way.
midnightdemons7 