Hurting big time today
I went to my father’s like I do every week. This week was different as he wanted me to go to the card store to get some cards as next month is birthday month. There are several birthdays between my sister, my aunt, cousins, and friends. I am going to be broke. I should have bought some cards myself but of course, didn’t think about that till now. I will have to find my way the next time I go to Walgreens. On my way to the card store, I tripped over the stupid sidewalk. The city my father lives is not known for level sidewalks and I kept on trying to look out for this stupid store that had cards for 99 cents. Fucking A. My ankle is really hurting me now and I am not happy about it. Mostly because my father didn’t even thank me for going for him. He is such a bastard.
I was hoping to wake up early so I could make pancakes but that didn’t happen. I really just wanted to stay in bed and screw my father but he would have been really pissed off. One of his meds I have to fill probably Monday so he doesn’t run out. I am so tired of going over there. Least I don’t have any where to go to tomorrow. I can rest my hurt ankle that I really hurt. Least I didn’t fall. That would have been worse.
I still didn’t get this check I am supposed to have. I probably won’t get it until next month. I really want to get my sister’s something for their birthdays but I don’t have any extra cash. This check would be awesome because I could take them out for dinner or something. I don’t know. Just throwing ideas out there. They always give me a lot of presents for my birthday and Christmas and I never seem to be able to give them anything. It hurts me. It just reminds me how fucking broke I really am. You would think after three years I would be used to it. I am used to it till birthdays come flying around. It sucks.
I got no appetite again today. All I had for breakfast was a yogurt and for lunch a granola bar with some vitamin water. I would really have loved pancakes but maybe I can make them tomorrow. Last night I promised myself I would read Harry Potter. Another promise broken. I fell asleep and that was it. I am never going to finish this book. I am having a hard time reading it and I don’t know why this book is different than the other Harry Potter books, except I despise Umbridge. It’s not one of my favorite books I guess.
I am in the type of depression where I just want to take my pain meds or some other med that causes drowsiness and just sleep. I just don’t care. I don’t mean to take the meds more than what I take, but just enough to get me to sleep. And waking up now between 3 and 4 in the morning is really pissing me off. I go back to sleep and I don’t want to do anything the rest of the day. Today was the biggest struggle. I just really didn’t plan on going to the fucking card store for my father. Extra spoons wasted. What am I talking about??!! I got no spoons!! I really just want to be fucking dead. And I am trying hard not to come up with a reason why I shouldn’t go ahead and kill myself. Yesterday, there was a jumper on the train tracks. People kill themselves every day. Why can’t I be one of them??
midnightdemons7 
I’m sorry you’re feeling so lousy. You have plenty of reason to feel lousy! Just please wait a while and let the suicidal feeling pass for now. I say “for now” because I am chronically suicidal and have to take it minute by minute. Any chance of home-made cards or presents? I don’t know if you like to make stuff, but if you do, it can be a lot cheaper and maybe even fun, which is always a relief! Hope your ankle feels better…you know, ice, elevation, compression…take care ❤
LikeLike
You can’t be one of them because too many people love and care about you. It would be easier on you, I know. I’ve often felt the same way. The people left behind are the one’s that would suffer. I don’t know you, but I care about you. Please don’t do it. Do you ever meditate or doing breathing exercises of some kind? It took me a long time to actually give it a try because I thought it was just a bunch of bullshit. It did take patience and a lot of practice, but I didn’t give up, I almost did, but I didn’t, and I now enjoy meditating because it really does work. It clears the mind and calms all the noise inside, the bad thoughts, of which we have no control over what are thoughts are. We only have control over what we do with those thoughts. When I start having those thoughts, I go straight to breathing exercises and/or meditation. There’s a cool website that I use most of the time for meditation. It’s http://www.calm.com just a suggestion, you might want to give it a try. You can choose how long and if you want guided or unguided meditation. There are several scenes and sounds to choose from. I love the rain. I use that one most of the time. I know it sounds like a bunch of crap, but I swear to you it works. Not the first time you do it, with practice it will work. Please hang on. It’s going to get better. I don’t know when, but it will if you don’t give up. I’m here if you ever need someone to talk to. Take care of yourself. I hope you have a better day tomorrow. I’ll keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Sending lots of good healing vibes your way. 🙂
LikeLike