Stay a Little Longer and Enough is Enough

Stay a Little Longer and Enough is Enough

The past three days the songs Enough is Enough and Stay a Little Longer have been piggybacking in my brain. They have been on either repeat or shuffle. No matter what other music I listen to, these songs break through. I was even hearing “Enough is Enough” while I was on the phone with my therapist. I feel like I am losing my mind. I have been taking the trilafon faithfully every day, sometimes twice a day if I feel stressed.

I don’t know if the lyrics are trying to tell me something or it’s just a song that keeps playing in my head. Whatever the reason, it’s really stressing me out. I am hearing the songs almost the full time I am awake and when I am not I am hearing the voices talk to me.

My therapist read the blog I sent her last week. She said I was describing negative symptoms of psychosis, whatever that means. I told her my psychosis was going on longer than I thought it was, since the middle of January of this year. That was when I was talking about voices being loud and her wanting me to take PRNs. I didn’t take the PRNs because I thought they were just because I was stressing out over my MRI results at that time. Of course, the stress of that was exchanged with the stress of my father’s illness and ultimate death. That in turn, caused my psychosis to unleash itself to what it is today.

I am still grappling with it and still think I need to be in the hospital but because of my mother’s health, I can’t do that. It’s so frustrating to be dealing with this. I had taken 4 mg of trilafon while I was talking with my therapist and then another 4 when I came home a little while ago. The bus had me all freaked out. There was a little girl that kept licking her hand and then touching everything while licking her lollipop. I was trying to not look at her but she was right in front of me. And there was a stench of something really bad on the bus. I don’t know if it was a fluid smell or urine smell but it as bad.

I don’t really remember what I talked about in therapy other than her telling me I was describing negative symptoms. After therapy, I went to Starbucks for my bacon sandwich and coffee that they made really sweet. I swear I was going to get diabetes from that sugary drink. I didn’t finish it because I just couldn’t. I like sugar but only so much. I felt like adding coffee to it to make it less sweet but I didn’t want a caffeine high.

I saw my NP today. She is not leaving the practice, just taking vacation for a few days. I did find out one of the other PCPs is leaving. I liked her, too. I think the new computer system is getting rid of good doctors. It’s a terrible system. I wish they had seriously thought of the impact it would have before implementing it. I just hope my psychiatrist doesn’t decide to leave because of it. I would be so sad.

I just realized that by the time I see my NP again next month, I will have, potentially, my new name. I still need to find out if I need an appointment to change my name or not. I have two weeks to find out. That is when I get paid next and I would like to do it sooner rather than later. So my disability decision for my loans better come soon. Then begins the process of changing everything to my new name. I am both excited and scared at this process.

About G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about
This entry was posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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