feeling wicked down and depressed

Feeling wicked down and depressed

I woke up early because I had to pee but I couldn’t get out of bed so went back to sleep. When I woke up two hours later, I really had to run to the bathroom. My bladder was overfilled. I brushed my teeth because my mouth felt like a sewer. That was all I needed to do to get my ankle going. It hurts so bad right now and it got me depressed. I have to out today. I took some pain meds but I still am not sleepy and the pain has, thankfully, lessened a bit. Sometimes the meds are enough to knock me back out and sometimes it doesn’t.

My mood is terrible right now. I really just don’t want to be. If I had the means to really carry out my thoughts, I would so go through with them right now. I feel so lowly. All I can think about is death. I keep wondering what it would be like laying in a casket.

I have therapy today and then I have to go out to my appointment with the NP for my pain meds. I really don’t want to go out. It’s already muggy. I put the AC on to cool down my room. I’m not going to shower because I know I will be sweating when I go out. I will shower when I come back home.

I hate being in this irritable mood. I woke up kind of okay but the pain caused my mood to dip very low. Now all I can think about is death. I am so tired of feeling this way. I never feel “better”. I always feel gloomy and sad. The voices are always there reminding that I am a piece of shit.

I got three hours before my therapy appointment. I am going to try and get some sleep now. I hope I don’t wake up.

Published by

G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality

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