feeling wicked down and depressed

Feeling wicked down and depressed

I woke up early because I had to pee but I couldn’t get out of bed so went back to sleep. When I woke up two hours later, I really had to run to the bathroom. My bladder was overfilled. I brushed my teeth because my mouth felt like a sewer. That was all I needed to do to get my ankle going. It hurts so bad right now and it got me depressed. I have to out today. I took some pain meds but I still am not sleepy and the pain has, thankfully, lessened a bit. Sometimes the meds are enough to knock me back out and sometimes it doesn’t.

My mood is terrible right now. I really just don’t want to be. If I had the means to really carry out my thoughts, I would so go through with them right now. I feel so lowly. All I can think about is death. I keep wondering what it would be like laying in a casket.

I have therapy today and then I have to go out to my appointment with the NP for my pain meds. I really don’t want to go out. It’s already muggy. I put the AC on to cool down my room. I’m not going to shower because I know I will be sweating when I go out. I will shower when I come back home.

I hate being in this irritable mood. I woke up kind of okay but the pain caused my mood to dip very low. Now all I can think about is death. I am so tired of feeling this way. I never feel “better”. I always feel gloomy and sad. The voices are always there reminding that I am a piece of shit.

I got three hours before my therapy appointment. I am going to try and get some sleep now. I hope I don’t wake up.

any thoughts?

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