I had a hard time sleeping last night because of pain. I woke up a few times during the night. I just couldn’t get comfortable or I just couldn’t sleep. It was a bad night. I had planned on going to Starbucks after I took my morning meds but I fell asleep and didn’t wake up again until my mother called asking what I wanted for dinner. By that time, it was too late to head to the Square.
I got up and made a half of a bagel for some calories for the day. I drank it with some dark chocolate almond milk for added protein. Then I went upstairs to check Twitter and Facebook. While doing that, the pain came back. I haven’t done a damn thing all day except make myself something to eat. Unreal. I just took some pain meds and will soon be calling it a day. I don’t care that it’s just about 1700. I won’t be watching/listening to the sox game tonight.
I texted my therapist late last night about the suicidal ideas that I am having. I didn’t give her specifics, I never do, but told her what was on my mind at that hour. I swear she better not give me a hard time tomorrow. I just don’t want to deal with her. I never do when I am in this state. I think therapy is a joke when you are suicidal and want to seriously kill yourself. It’s a serious, “why bother” kind of thing. I never feel better after I have had therapy with these types of discussions. I just get more frustrated because usually, I am not being heard. Or my therapist goes into anxiety mode and nothing gets accomplished. That actually pisses me off more than just trying to talk about things.
I also sent my psychiatrist the “can’t die without explanations” blog. I wanted her take on it. I still haven’t heard back from her. I probably won’t. I un-password protected it last night so I didn’t have to send her my word doc. I won’t send her the other “incriminating” blog that I think sent police to my door. I still am upset that someone called the cops on me. I am just glad that I was home and they didn’t break in to see if I was okay.
I am getting hungry. That bagel didn’t help as I haven’t eaten anything else all day. I think I might make a black bean burger. I haven’t had one in a long time. I still haven’t made my way to Dunkin Donuts to grab a dozen donuts. I am sure their pumpkin ones are back. They are really good. But it is a long walk to get there. I could cheat and take the bus down the street. It’s only a few stops though. Maybe I will tomorrow before my therapy appointment if I get up early enough.