current situation

I haven’t been in a good mood today. My ankle is hurting me and has been for most of the day. I finally caved in and took a pain pill after I had a big lunch and a second cup of coffee. Then my cousin, who is visiting from Texas, called. I knew he wanted to see me and sure enough that was the reason for his call. I tried explaining to him that I was in pain and couldn’t walk. He wasn’t listening and it pissed me off. I am not going two houses down the street to see him. I can barely walk around my kitchen much less walk the short distance to my aunt’s house.

I tried watching my Pats but lost interest when it was close to halftime. I like watching the updates on Twitter. I want to email my psych and ask her if I go into the psych ER tomorrow, will I be admitted to the unit she wants me at or will I go to the other hospital. I need a break from myself. I feel I should page her to talk it over with her but I know if I do, then things might be set in stone and I hate that feeling of being pushed in the hospital. I just worry that if I don’t go to the unit my psych wants me to go and I end up elsewhere, I am not going to get my pain medication the right way because it’s not written the way I take it. I am so frustrated that this issue still hasn’t been taken cared of.

I did some reading today. I didn’t get as far as I would like. I kept getting distracted. In the book, the author was writing that John Hay became friends with Henry Adams. It reminded me of the book I read that was written by him. It would be a nice book to re-read. However, I have no idea where the copy of the book is. I went looking for it and it’s not where I thought it would be, so it could be anywhere. I will probably find it when I am looking for something else.

Great, my toes are now painful. I didn’t get to sleep last night until 0300 and then woke up around 0800. Not enough sleep. I was in a lot of pain last night which is why I was up as well as having PTSD symptoms, which didn’t do me much good. I am glad I am not napping because my brother in law is taking the Christmas stuff downstairs and he is making one hell of a racket.

I emailed my psychiatrist about my current situation. I didn’t discuss going to the hospital because what the fuck are they going to do with me besides watch me every 15 minutes. They can’t do anything about my pain and I am just fucking frustrated that the idea of being in a ward without access to my meds when I want them is just too much for me to take right now. I am going to take the strong pain pill and be dopey the rest of the evening. I don’t care. Maybe I will sleep. If my asshole cousin calls again, I think I will tell him to go to hell. And he better not come up my house because I really don’t want to go downstairs right now. I have started crying and am a weeping mess.

Published by

G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality

3 thoughts on “current situation”

  1. oh hon I hear you and I am here if you need anything. i’m sorry things are so hard. it really fucking sucks. I hope you and your psych can work something out so that things get easier. xxx

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