The tank is about to rupture!!

The tank is about to rupture!

I have been reading “Dark Tide”, a book about the molasses flood in 1919 that occurred in Boston, since yesterday afternoon. I am at the part where the tank is about to collapse and 2.5 million gallons of molasses are to flood Boston’s historic North End. Apparently, after a shipment of warm molasses were delivered on cold molasses, gases erupted and I think that is what caused the collapse. I am just guessing as I haven’t read that far yet. But I am interested in it none the less.

I think I am going to lower my reading challenge goal to 23 books because that is what I can realistically read over the next three weeks of December, if I am able to read one book a week. Reading five just doesn’t seem to be realistic. I hate that I didn’t accomplish my goal of 40 books but there is always next year, if I don’t suffer a serious depression like I did this year. I think I am beginning to recover from it, though I am still feeling “weak” as if from a long drawn out physical illness that saps your strength. I don’t know if my suicidal tendencies will return or not. But then, I haven’t been in bone crushing pain the last two weeks that have driven me to the brink of suicide.

There is snow in the forecast so my ankle is being an asshole right now. I have been able to tolerate most of the pain today, better than I did yesterday. It’s just an annoying type of pain that digs into me and makes me want to tear my ankle off. Or at least give it a damn reason to hurt. I think it’s very unfair that after resting for hours, I wake up in the same kind of pain I went to bed with. I know this is mostly because my pain meds have worn off but give me some leeway for crying out loud! It used to be that resting my ankle actually brought it relief. Now, not even that works. How the hell am I supposed to combat this pain?? Just annoys the ever loving Christ out of me.

I got into a silly argument with my niece tonight. I texted her I loved her and she texted back that No, I love you. We went back and forth about how we loved one another, both saying no sah and silly things like that. I thought it was funny. I love my nieces and nephew more than anything. They really are my world. I wish sometimes they can hold me to this world when it’s dark and gray but the blinders are so damn heavy, I just don’t see their love for me, the true love they have for me. It’s different than the love I have with my therapist, though right now, that love is pretty shaky.

I was able to shower today. I was getting really stinky as it’s been days since my last one. It’s so hard to stick with a routine for one when your pain is so unpredictable. I try to take one every other day but that hasn’t been working out for me. I tend to wait until I have no choice or I have an appointment that requires me to go out. It’s easy with my therapist being on the phone because then I don’t have to be “clean”. But I can only do what I can do and if that means not showering for more than a couple days at a time, so be it.

About G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about
This entry was posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, reading and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to The tank is about to rupture!!

  1. “How come you keep asking me if I want mo’ ‘lasses, when I don’t want no ‘lasses at all?!”
    —I forget the attribution on this safaris sagatious remark

    That is just a nightmare, a molasses flood! Where are you reading about that?

    When I’m depressed, as I have been for the last long time, I feel as if I’m trying to swim in cold molasses…..

    Your brain seems to be feeling better. I’m very glad. Hope it lasts!

  2. manyofus1980 says:

    Glad you are coming out of the depression. the book sounds interesting too. xxx

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