Merry Christmas to all my readers that celebrate it. Happy Hanukah for my Jewish readers and Happy Holidays to those that celebrate other holidays that I don’t know about!
It’s been an interesting day. I had a difficult morning and I still feel wicked sad about it. The grief for my father has been overwhelming the events of the morning, just making everything worse. I still feel weepy at times.
I had Christmas dinner with my family. I really didn’t want to go but my sister threatened to drag me if I didn’t so I went reluctantly. After dinner and desserts, I started to feel really sad and felt like crying so I said good-bye to all and came back to the comfort of my room. I was talking with my nephew. He looked like he was really depressed. He might have been tired. I am not sure which. I felt bad for him. We talked about stuff but nothing in great detail. I am sure he misses his grandfather like I was missing him. It’s the first Christmas without my father so it’s the hardest.
I never watched the movie last night. I was talking with a friend through FB and then it was time to take my meds. I felt sleepy so I told her goodnight. A few hours later, I was still up and wanted to talk to someone so I PM’d her to see if she was still awake and wanted to chat. She was so we talked some more. My meds kicked in and I finally fell asleep. I had told her good night again before doing so.
I completed my reading challenge last night. I read 23 books this year. I really wanted to read 40 but this year was not the year for it. I think I am going to read Harry Potter and the Cursed Child next. It should be easy as it’s all dialogue. Maybe I will end up with 24 books read if I finish it by New Years Eve.
Man, I had a sip of some spiked eggnog and got a wicked headache. It tasted more like a Pina colada. I didn’t like it at all. I like coconuts but not as a flavor.
I’m going to write my will soon. I have decided to end things in the coming year. I just am deeply upset over things that happened this morning and what was said and done cannot be undone or unsaid. Two bad days in a span of 48 hours have really taken a toll on me. I need to finalized things. I know what needs to be done because I had the experience with my father’s death. I don’t know when I will die, probably when I feel things are settled. I will go on like I usually do so my family doesn’t have a clue. If they read this blog, I don’t care. They are not living my life. They don’t know the amount of pain that I deal with on a daily basis. They don’t know how deep my depressions run. I am tired of explaining why I won’t see this doctor or that. I know they don’t have answers for me anymore. If 15 doctors can’t figure out what is wrong with me but 3 have told me that I have CRPS then that is good enough for me. Trouble is, there is no real treatment for it other than opioids. And I am tired of taking them around the clock.