Christmas 2016

Christmas 2016

Merry Christmas to all my readers that celebrate it. Happy Hanukah for my Jewish readers and Happy Holidays to those that celebrate other holidays that I don’t know about!

It’s been an interesting day. I had a difficult morning and I still feel wicked sad about it. The grief for my father has been overwhelming the events of the morning, just making everything worse. I still feel weepy at times.

I had Christmas dinner with my family. I really didn’t want to go but my sister threatened to drag me if I didn’t so I went reluctantly. After dinner and desserts, I started to feel really sad and felt like crying so I said good-bye to all and came back to the comfort of my room. I was talking with my nephew. He looked like he was really depressed. He might have been tired. I am not sure which. I felt bad for him. We talked about stuff but nothing in great detail. I am sure he misses his grandfather like I was missing him. It’s the first Christmas without my father so it’s the hardest.

I never watched the movie last night. I was talking with a friend through FB and then it was time to take my meds. I felt sleepy so I told her goodnight. A few hours later, I was still up and wanted to talk to someone so I PM’d her to see if she was still awake and wanted to chat. She was so we talked some more. My meds kicked in and I finally fell asleep. I had told her good night again before doing so.

I completed my reading challenge last night. I read 23 books this year. I really wanted to read 40 but this year was not the year for it. I think I am going to read Harry Potter and the Cursed Child next. It should be easy as it’s all dialogue. Maybe I will end up with 24 books read if I finish it by New Years Eve.

Man, I had a sip of some spiked eggnog and got a wicked headache. It tasted more like a Pina colada. I didn’t like it at all. I like coconuts but not as a flavor.

I’m going to write my will soon. I have decided to end things in the coming year. I just am deeply upset over things that happened this morning and what was said and done cannot be undone or unsaid. Two bad days in a span of 48 hours have really taken a toll on me. I need to finalized things. I know what needs to be done because I had the experience with my father’s death. I don’t know when I will die, probably when I feel things are settled. I will go on like I usually do so my family doesn’t have a clue. If they read this blog, I don’t care. They are not living my life. They don’t know the amount of pain that I deal with on a daily basis. They don’t know how deep my depressions run. I am tired of explaining why I won’t see this doctor or that. I know they don’t have answers for me anymore. If 15 doctors can’t figure out what is wrong with me but 3 have told me that I have CRPS then that is good enough for me. Trouble is, there is no real treatment for it other than opioids. And I am tired of taking them around the clock.

About G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about
This entry was posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to Christmas 2016

  1. manyofus1980 says:

    I am sad to read that you are going to end it. I wish I could stop you. But I know I cant. I want to though.You mean a lot to me. You have become a dear friend. I hope the rest of your Christmas day was ok. xxx

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