Bad pain flare up
I saw my psychiatrist. The appointment went well. She agreed to an increase in the Zoloft. Then we talked about therapy and the water works started. I couldn’t hold back my tears of frustration with the waiting and the ending. I miss having someone to talk to about things. She was supportive of me but these things take time and frankly, I have grown impatient. She wanted to see me in a week and I agreed. I did tell her my suicidal urges were around early that morning. She tried piecing together what set me off and we didn’t really get anywhere.
I came home and was tired. I took a pain pill and my trilafon. I wanted a nap but didn’t want to mess up my sleep. An hour later, I said fuck it and lied down. My foot had become cold so I put on my thermal socks and lied down once again. Then all hell broke loose. My foot became a seizing machine and the pain was intolerable. I started crying because I hurt so damn bad. I lost it. Tears were coming and I couldn’t stop them. I was a sobbing idiot. Then I thought of ending my life from the thoughts of the morning and I cried harder. I couldn’t reach the pills because I couldn’t even turn over to take meds to stop the cramping and the pain. Any movement at all caused me great pain. I eventually sat up and took my meds. In between tears, I sent a letter to my psychiatrist, one telling her to send tissues and the other saying my suicidality was up and I would be in touch before passing out.
My mother called me while I was having my crying fit but she didn’t hear me when I told her I was crying. She wanted some socks in her drawer. I told her my ankle went out on me and that it wasn’t happening. In the midst of all this, I got a migraine and a headache after the migraine went away. Just wonderful. I know it’s from crying so damn much and not eating.
Things calmed down so of course my bladder said it had to go. I went and figured while I was downstairs, I’d make myself something to eat. I thought that might help the headache as I didn’t have anything to eat since this morning while at Starbucks. The pain came back when I went back to my room, but it wasn’t as bad. My feet were hot so I took the socks off. My left one became cold again within 15 minutes so I just put a regular sock on that is loose.
I am exhausted and was going to pass out but I called my psych before I did. She didn’t read the emails so I explained what was going on. She was glad I called her. She wants me to keep her posted.
I’ve had flare ups of severe pain before but nothing like today. I think the spasms made the pain worse and I just couldn’t handle it. The tears were flowing because I just felt so helpless. I couldn’t move a muscle without pain, even if it was a different body part. It was awful. I really wanted to die and if I could reach any bottle of pills, I would have tried. But thankfully, all the “good” stuff is three feet away from me. I just have a handful of pills, total, by my bedside which probably wouldn’t do much but knock me out for a couple of hours.