Been listening to this song by Eric Church for the last couple of hours. I just can’t stop listening to it. It’s on the “Mr. Misunderstood” album that I love so much. My former therapist texted me this morning saying she misses me, she is having a hard time packing up my “belongings”, and has not received my book yet. It set off a pang of missing her really bad, similar to this weekend. And this song just fits right now. I texted her back saying it was okay and that I am in no rush to get my things back. I also have not found someone new and even my psychiatrist has not succeeded.
I woke up with just enough time to catch the bus to go to Starbucks. I went and had coffee and breakfast. Then I wrote in my journal but listening to this song kind of made writing difficult. I just miss my former therapist so much. My mother called while I was at my home away from home. She wanted to know where I was. I told her and said I would be home soon. It was a good thing I left when I did because my bowels soon unleashed soon as I walked in the door. I just made it to the bathroom in time. She then asked where I was going when I walked in the kitchen. HUH??? I said I just came home. She is losing it.
I called one therapist today. I am waiting for a callback. It is so frustrating waiting. I read the Robert Lowell book last night. It went a little better but still the same pattern of mania, hospital, depression. Lowell had a daughter in the mist of the craziness and he explained his illness to her when she was old enough to understand. He was straight up with her, which is kind of remarkable. Most parents want to hide their illness from their children but Lowell was direct about his treatment in the hospital and why he had to be put in. I finished the chapter feeling devastated for the guy. I am kind of torn because if he grew up in this day and age, his creativity would be hindered and he probably wouldn’t have been a great poet. I find it amazing that people with bipolar illness are creative untreated versus treated. Thing is, Lowell grew up at a time where there was no treatment for his illness. Lithium wasn’t approved yet and if it was, he obviously didn’t take it like he was supposed to, which is typical of the illness. Why take something that hinders the creativity. Or he just felt the mania was gone so he no longer needed the medication. Jamison doesn’t dwell on this aspect. I am only interpreting what I know of the highs and lows of bipolar disorder.
Pain has been minimal the last few days, except at night. Last night I accidently took double my pain meds because I couldn’t remember if I took them or not. I was having a lot of pain, from my ankle down to my toes. I ended up taking Neurontin and then the doses of regular pain meds hit me hard and I crashed. I slept fairly well and did not want to get up. But my mother didn’t wash my French press last night and I didn’t feel like doing it, so I left to go to Starbucks. I am glad I went out because the weather was warmer than it has been. It’s supposed to be a little warmer most of the week. I hope that means no heat turn up. I have been roasting in my room from the heat of my radiator. I had opened the window last week and it took three days to cool off my room. Last night I thought I was going to have to open the window again but my mother turned down the heat so I was saved.
Despite having four shots of espresso, I am still very tired. My mother is making pork chops tonight. I think the 900 mg of Neurontin is kicking my ass. I just can’t get my brain to wake up. I want to nap so bad but dinner will be ready soon. Maybe I will take a nap after dinner.
I entered a Stars Dash with Starbucks. You make five purchases and you get stars which leads to getting free stuff. I should have bought something before I left because I am one purchase short and the deal ends today. Oh well. I am sure they will have other deals in the future.