ankle foot bitch rant

Ankle foot bitch rant

I got thirsty so I reached for my water bottle. I didn’t move my ankle/foot at all but it was enough for my foot to explode in pain. I was seeing stars for about five minutes. I needed my strong pain pills. I took it quickly before the pain got worse. I had thrown on some thermal socks because my foot had gotten cold before this happen.

A little while later, my feet started to get really warm. So I took off the sock carefully as sometimes just the motion of taking it off can set off pain. Then I slammed my ankle down on my mattress without thinking and BAM! More fucking pain in my ankle now. I want to fucking die so damn bad. I am so frustrated.

The foot explosion caused me to have severe anxiety so I had to take Ativan to combat it. It took a while but my heart didn’t feel like it was going to leave my chest walls. I calmed down until the ankle exploded due to my carelessness. I must have place my ankle like that a thousand times and it never caused me such pain. Why tonight, I have no clue. I am in fucking agony and I want it to fucking end. I want to sleep. I took another strong pain pill and my regular pain pills. Fuck the consequences. I didn’t take more than the regular amount of each so I am NOT overdosing. I would NEVER do that because I am more afraid of Tylenol toxicity than I am of dying from narcotic overdose.

I joined a group on Facebook about chronic pain. One woman who also suffers from CRPS told me about Ketamine and how it helped her. There is one place in Massachusetts that does IV ketamine and it’s far from me. I don’t have a car so I doubt I can get to that place. Fucking A. I wouldn’t do it anyways as I don’t have a full blown case of CRPS, just the pain syndrome part.

I just had three pieces of my “extra” strong pain pills, Dove dark chocolate. It calms me down some. I relish the taste of the dark chocolate. I need to get more because I am running low. That will be an errand on Sunday. Tomorrow needs to be a day of rest or I will just be a wreck like I am tonight. I really wasn’t expected to be in this much pain tonight. I obviously did way too much walking and my ankle/foot did not like it one bit. I think the killer was making dinner. I really want another burger but it’s too late to cook and then I would have to clean up and I just don’t want to do that.

I emailed my psychiatrist about what went on because after my anxiety attack, I seriously thought about suicide. I wasn’t going to act on my feeling but the thoughts were strong. Then I started to think that I would be better off dead. I am such a loser. I know I have talked about killing myself for the last five years and have NOT made a single attempt despite my many plans. It pisses me off that I have not done so. The closest I came was taking a handful of my mood stabilizer one night, which lead to me being hospitalized a few days later. I am a moron. I should have ended things a long time ago yet I am still here to complain about it. What a loser I am.

About G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality
This entry was posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to ankle foot bitch rant

  1. manyofus1980 says:

    you are not a loser at all. don’t even think that. i’m glad you emailed your psych. I hope she responded to you. suicidal ideation is so hard to deal with especially when it comes on suddenly xxx

any thoughts?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s