Feeling sad about things

Feeling sad about things

A family member came over the house today to talk to me to prove they “weren’t crazy”. The more this person talked to me, the weirder they sounded. I really think this person is developing schizophrenia of some sort. The person’s thinking is all messed up and now they think they have a “spiritual connection”. I just feel really sad because I know schizophrenia is a tough disorder to have.

A year ago today my father was placed in the nursing home and that started his down hill slide toward death. This month is just going to suck for me. Easter is coming up and that used to be my favorite holiday. My favorite Aunt’s birthday was this month. She has been dead for more than ten years but I always remember Easter being her favorite holiday. It sucked when she passed. And now my father’s anniversary death. It’s weird that now that he is gone, I just want to tell him things I never told him, just to give me a piece of mind. Instead I just remember staring at him with disgust on his death bed. It was the last long look I had of him before he died as he died soon after. His death was that quick.

I watched my niece tonight. Her mother suggested I watch a movie with her. I never saw the movie Ratatoulle so we watched that. It was a cute little movie. After the movie, I played on my phone, going through Facebook and Twitter. While scrolling through Facebook, I came across a video of the TV show “Friends” gag reel. I watched that and laughed my ass off. My niece started laughing because I was crying and my face turned red. She got a kick out of it. It was the first time I laughed in a while.

I put my niece to bed and then went upstairs to take my meds and then I started feeling sad again. My ankle was bothering me. My cousin PM’d me asking how I was. She wanted me to go to her parents for Easter and I told her my mother would be upset if I didn’t spend it with her. I think she understood. We are going to plan on going for coffee sometime soon.

Today was my youngest cousin’s birthday party. She is turning one and they had a party for her today. I wanted to go but pain kept me away. I was hurting too much from yesterday. I made pancakes this afternoon for lunch. And then after I had my coffee, I took a nap. I meant to clean up but never did. I know my mother is mad at me for leaving the dishes in the sink. Oh well. I also made a burger and left the pan. I hate cleaning pans. I just couldn’t stand at the sink because my ankle was giving me grief and I had to babysit. It was one or the other. I couldn’t do both. I wanted to shower today but that didn’t happen either. I will take one tomorrow morning. Mornings seems to be better for me to do things than later in the afternoon. It really depressed me that I wasn’t able to go to the party. I was so looking forward to it. I really wanted to see the baby. I saw pictures that people post on Facebook so that made me a little bit happier. It’s not the same as in person but this is the life of a chronic pain person. Living vicariously through others.

I am really tired but I can’t sleep. I have too much on my mind. I’m waiting for my pain meds to ease my ankle pain. It’s too late now to take Neurontin for the burning in my foot. It’s not bad but it can get worse tomorrow. I’ll deal with it then.

About G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality
This entry was posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to Feeling sad about things

  1. manyofus1980 says:

    hey hon I am sorry this is a hard month. I can relate. its a hard one for me too all be it for different reasons. I am here if you need anything so don’t hesitate to reach out. xoxo

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