I had a good sleep. I then made lunch. I heated up some ribs that I bought. It was half a rack and they were yummy. I ate the whole thing. I still am pretty full so I don’t think I will have anything else tonight. I might have cereal if I get hungry. As I went out on the porch to grab a soda, I found the box of cocoa pebbles that I knew I had. I didn’t put it in the cabinet. It was on the chair that is out there. In my recent grocery delivery, I bought three boxes so I wouldn’t run out. Now I have four. I just wish I bought some almond milk but by the time I thought of it, it was past the deadline to add stuff to the order. I will just grab it at Walgreens the next time I go.
I spent the day resting my leg and ankle today. I was in a lot of pain last night and had to take two strong pain meds to quiet down the intensity. I shouldn’t have gone up the stairs at the train station. I thought I could handle it. I thought wrong. Going down the stairs is easier for me than going up. And then having to walk to my therapist’s office was a killer.
Late last night, I emailed my psychiatrist to ask her if she thought I needed therapy. I felt like I was handling things okay since my other therapist basically dumped me. I really don’t know if going to therapy is going to help me at this point in my life. I have been going for so long that I kind of enjoyed the break. I am not saying it made me less suicidal or anything. I do know that since increasing the Zoloft dose, I have been able to cope with things better. Pain bothers me but doesn’t send me to a suicidal crisis every time I have a flare up. I have been managing my pain a little better, though I don’t really know what has been different. I guess being able to use my strong pain meds more liberally has been a help. Before that, I was just taking it when I was at a suicidal point. Now I take it before I reach that and the pain usually quiets down so I can manage.
My psychiatrist wrote back to me this morning and said yes, I need therapy and that I should be in it for six months. I cringed. That seems like an awfully long time to know if this is going to work or not. My biggest fear is being dumped again. I don’t have the sense that this guy is going to do that but I didn’t think that after 16 years, my former therapist and I would call it quits either.
My therapist that I am seeing calls losing my former therapist a loss. I try not to think about it much because it’s like this huge hole inside me. She hurt me a lot by ending it and not being able to work on what wasn’t working. Maybe we just reached the end of the line and there was nothing to do but terminate in the end. She still has not called me about my things being ready to be picked up. I definitely want my bears back. I don’t care so much about the paperwork and books. But I want my Johnny, Bucky, and Amelia. If I don’t hear from her next week, I will text her. Her billing still hasn’t fixed their error. I have no idea what I owe her and I refuse to pay her until it’s sorted out.
It’s that hour where my ankle/foot/toes go berserk. I am in pain, again, even though I haven’t done anything the past hour. That is the frustrating part of this condition, that I will be in pain if I do nothing or do something. Damned if I do and damned if I don’t. I need to take my night meds soon. I hope the nap I took in the afternoon didn’t screw up my sleep. It was a good nap, though I dreamt I went to China and the smell made me sick. Weird.