migraine, therapy, and other things

Migraine, therapy, and other things

I woke up not in the best of moods this morning. But once I went to the bathroom and brushed my teeth, I found it hard to go back to sleep. I had a low grade headache and dismissed it as just sleeping wrong, hoping it would go away with some caffeine. As I couldn’t go back to sleep, I decided to shower. It wore me out and I wanted to go back to sleep but I was restless and needed coffee. I just missed the bus so had to wait a fricken hour.

By the time I got to the Square, my head was pounding and I was sensitive to light and sounds. I was grateful it was a cloudy day but I knew it was most likely the cause of my migraine. I went to CVS and bought some Excedrin migraine pills as I didn’t have anything else on me. I had something to eat and my espresso. I wrote for a bit and seemed like I had to pull teeth to get the words out. I spent nearly 2.5 hours trying to write. I couldn’t listen to my headphones anymore as the music was really hurting my head. Every sound seemed multiplied by 100. I wanted to go home but knew if I did, I wouldn’t go back out again and it was too late to cancel therapy.

When I gave up on writing and still had time to kill for my therapy appointment, I went to the new grocery shop that opened a few months ago. It was okay and it wasn’t any more expensive than Stop and Shop. They had a lot of stuff that Whole Foods sells as well as regular items like cereal and stuff. They also had prepared meals for like $16 with all the ingredients that you cook yourself. I didn’t see anything that I liked. I thought about getting some lunch there but there wasn’t anything that I liked.

I went to therapy and it went okay. I asked him if he wanted to work with me and he said that he did. I also asked him if he was a huge Michigan fan because he went there for grad school. He said he wasn’t. I was glad because I am a huge OSU fan and Michigan is their rival. He asked how I became a Buckeye fan and I really don’t know. I just started following them and fell in love with them. We talked about my past relationships. I didn’t get into grave detail about them and he didn’t ask more than general questions.

I told him about the rough week I had last week and again, no in-depth questions. I’m starting to feel like I am paying him to listen to me talk. I kind of wish I saw him more than once a week. I am going to ask him about it next week. I left his office feeling all sorts of things, none of which was pleasant. On the other hand, it’s kind of good that I am talking the whole time I am in session, unlike my former therapist, who would talk half the time or more. She always left me feeling frustrated afterwards because I didn’t talk. I just want to be “analyzed” and just not feeling it from this guy. I feel like there should be a plan and there isn’t one. It’s just free association. Maybe I should come up with a plan of something and see if he will go with it. I am guessing he would. He seems open to it.

My right Achilles started acting up while I was out. It wasn’t as severe as it was last week but I was limping. Then my AFO got stuck under the seat on the train. I almost fell backwards. Luckily, I freed myself when the train came to the stop and I got off. I took my meds when I got home, including my migraine meds as the migraine came back. This is the third migraine I have had in a week. I hope I am not getting my menses, though it would explain my mood fluctuations the past week. I don’t understand it though because I have been taking the damn hormone pill consistently. It’s been almost 11 months since my last period. I’d like to make it a year of no menses. That will be a first.

Published by

G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality

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