academic self aside for today

Academic self aside for today

I thought after I wrote my blog this morning, I would have lunch and then either pass out or read until I did from my meds. I texted a friend and that friend came over with food and snacks to watch the baseball game with me. He kind of annoyed me because instead of watching baseball, he kept talking about things throughout. I kept missing key parts of the game and it was pissing me off. I didn’t care though. I know that is how he is and I was glad for the company. I haven’t seen him in a long while. The Sox won 11-1. It was their first win in over a week. I hope it continues.

I was beat after the game. I wanted to retire to my room but my mother made me wash the dishes we used for the meal we cooked. I kind of had a feeling I couldn’t get away with it. My ankle wasn’t happy but I did the deed. I am feeling really bloated right now because I had a cup of tea to try and keep myself awake until I take my night meds. Before I made the tea, I am not sure if I took my pain meds or not. I don’t want to double dose so I will take it later before I go to sleep. I think that will be safer. I had wanted to work on my paper but I just can’t seem to focus right now. I still haven’t finished the blog project. I just keep getting behind. I feel like if I was in academia, I would be forced to do this stuff because of deadlines and what not. But I am just pushing myself along with these “projects”.

I have a sinus headache and I just want to snooze. I was reading a blog before my friend came over and just finished it a little while ago. It was a clinical blog so I passed it along to my friend who is studying to be a psychologist. I think he might find use for it. The guy that wrote it was on Twitter so I tweeted him it was a good blog and that I passed it along to my friend. He just responded thanks. I love that I am connected with a bunch of professionals at different levels and good or bad, they respond to my tweeting. It makes me feel apart of something big. I guess I am feeling the pressure of producing these projects that I have because of these professionals. They are not forcing me to do anything I don’t want to do. I guess it’s just I want to please them and have them think of me as someone of value. I just want to expand their knowledge through my interpretation of things. I am constantly on the lookout for things related to suicide and therapy. Hell, half my stack of to read pile are books on CT and suicide prevention, suicide malpractice, or ethics regarding suicide in clinical practice.

I need to get into a routine of some sort to do this part of my academic self. It just sucks that pain meds and pain get in the way of doing it. Or my damn depression gets in the way like it has so many times before. If I wasn’t depressed, I would have had my degree already and I might be in grad school now or at least applying to it. Just makes me feel like a loser because I know I am intelligent but I don’t have the degrees to back it up.

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About G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about
This entry was posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to academic self aside for today

  1. manyofus1980 says:

    your not a loser. far from it. I’m glad you had a good time with your friend. we all need connections I saw my friend too yesterday. it was nice. xxx

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