so far down away from the sun

So far down away from the sun

I made myself lunch and now I am paying for it. My foot is flared up, again. I took my regular pain meds and if they don’t work by 1500, I will take the strong pain meds. I hate that doing something so simple causes me pain. It was bothering me before I started cooking but standing and doing it made it worse.

I ordered some stuff from Starbucks. I had bought some K-cups for the Keurig my sister has. I didn’t know at the time that it was out of commission. Now I have to return the cups. I did buy a water bottle. I fill it with iced tea and have been trying to drink more as I know I am dehydrated. I am hoping that it reminds me to drink. I dilute the tea with ice so it’s just more like flavored water than tea.

I finally finished Robert Lowell while having my coffee. Now I can get started on the book my friend gave me on Maya the bee or something like that. I will start it later tonight. I entered the Lowell book on my reading challenge. I have read 3 books of the 30 that I want to read for the year.

I didn’t have a good sleep. I woke up several time during the night because of pain. I really couldn’t get much relief last night. And now with my foot acting up, I just don’t know if I will ever have relief. I put lidocaine on my ankle and foot, the prescription one, and it took forever to dry because it is so thick. It worked but I really don’t like using it. I think I will stick with the OTC brand.

I have decided that once I finish drinking the 24 ounces of tea, I am going to have some Oreos as I have been craving them. I had some last night but they weren’t enough to fill me up. I wanted to have almond milk with it but the carton was in the back of the fridge and it froze. Damn fridge. I have it thawing out. I hope it’s still good. I am out of half and half so will need to get some more. I am debating on either waiting till I can order my groceries or just go to the store and get it so I can have coffee tomorrow. I am so indecisive lately. I don’t know if it is the pain or the depression or both.

I want to take a shower but that is impossible. There is no way I can stand for 15 minutes or so with my foot acting all fucking crazy like it is. I fucking hate being in so much damn pain. I just want to complain to someone but I don’t even know who to talk to. I am so frustrated. This has gone on for a week now. Same fucking pain every single day and sometimes it spreads to my ankle, which just about kills me. I want to get bombed but I have no idea if that will help me or not. I just want to zone out and have some relief from my ailing foot/ankle. I am on very thin ice and I fear that soon that ice is going to crack and I am going to fall through.

Published by

G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality

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