I got up from bed after I shut the AC off to place my overflowing recycle bin in a trash bag. As I climbed back to bed, my ankle seized up like the Dickens. I saw stars. It was intense pain and I am still feeling it. I just want to die and I am doing all I can to not get up and take the bottle of pills to end my life.
I waited about fifteen minutes for it to quiet down. It didn’t so I took yet another strong pain pill. I am losing track of the consecutive days I am having to take this medication. I belong to a CRPS group on Facebook. They talk about Kratom, ketamine infusions, and the like. I have posted a few times but it doesn’t seem like anyone cares.
I keep telling myself one more week or two and then I will end it. I don’t know if I will. I want to end it right now but I can’t walk over to my bureau to get the meds needed to do the job. It will hurt too much. I could say fuck it and hobble over there anyways, but I really don’t want my family to find me in the morning. It’s better to go to my spot.
I’m tempted to call my psychiatrist and just cry over the phone with her. The pain is getting worse. The flares are nearly every day, sometimes with some movement and other times with no movement. I can’t go on like this, I just can’t. Pain is just killing me. I have tolerated as much as I can. I can’t even say what number on scale it is anymore because I am always in pain. My normal is now a 5 when it used to be a 3. I just want to cut off the limb. I have a crazy idea on how to do it, too.
I guess I am not sleeping tonight. I am so tired and my meds are making me sleepy but the pain is keeping me up. Pretty soon I will be over tired and then god knows when I will sleep. I will hit the hyperdrive button and all hell will break loose. Time will go by and before I know it, it will be 0300.
I took my dose of Neurontin later than I usually do. I am starting to need it every night like the strong pain pill. I will be 300 pounds by the end of the year if this keeps up. Neurontin is just a weight gainer and you don’t even have to eat more to gain weight. I know in the morning the pain will be less. It always will be. But I want it to be gone NOW. I am tired of existing. I have no purpose. Just a will to die and I will act on it soon enough. Maybe not tonight or tomorrow, but one day soon.