Exhausting, painful, and depressing day

Exhausting, painful, and depressing day

I did not want to get out of bed today but I knew that if I didn’t, I’d get slapped with a $190 charge from my therapist for not canceling within 24 hours. It was an incentive to get up, but not enough of one to shower. I did brush my teeth.

I felt like I was walking in mud most of the day, soon as I left my house. I was just really tired. My legs felt heavy, like I couldn’t move them. My ankle was fine until I got to my therapist’s office building. Then it felt like it was being torn apart. I can’t stand when my depression is like this. I am going to ask my psych if I can increase the Zoloft to 200 mg/day. It might break some of this stuff.

The weather is awful. It was muggy when I came home and then the temp dropped so it is freezing now. I had to shut off the AC. Only thing I had to eat today was a pumpkin scone, a bite of a brownie, and some microwavable mac and cheese. I am not too hungry. I just want to sleep. I am in a lot of pain and the night is still young. I’m not sure I am going to sleep.

While I was at Starbucks, it started raining. I was trying to write in my journal but it was difficult. I couldn’t really concentrate on writing so mostly just listened to my music and twittled with my phone. I think I am going to avoid Twitter over the next few days because the Senate is proposing a bill to cut Medicaid and that is all people are talking about. Call your senators. I’m so tired of seeing this every few months. And if I am, I am sure that other people are as well. It sucks that the public has to tell their elected senators to do the right thing. Dispicable.

As I couldn’t write in my journal, I decided to get some zucchini so I could make my zucchini bread. I know it won’t be tomorrow as I am in too much pain and I doubt I will sleep. I’ll probably make it either Wed or Thursday. After I got the zucchini, I just went to the train station where it was warmer than Starbucks.

Therapy went ok. Guy is still picking his nails as he talks to me. We talked about how my depression can be so heavy at times that it’s overwhelming. I also told him I wanted to give up. He didn’t say anything. I’m starting to think this therapy is just whatever I want it to be about without any therapy happening. I just talk with no structure at all. I get more from talking to my psychiatrist for 20 minutes.

I got to get my blood drawn this week. I think I will get it done on Friday when I have to be at the hospital anyway to see my psych. Results won’t be done until later that day but as long as I have them in, that is all that matters. The hard part will be fasting because I tend to drink PowerAde with my meds, especially at night. Guess I will have to drink water if I need my meds.

The top of my foot is screaming. I already took a strong pain pill and can’t take my regular meds for another hour. Maybe I’ll use some lidocaine. I know I am going to be hurting at least the next three days because a hurricane is coming up this way. It’s mostly going to be on the coast where it will be worst, but we’ll have rain. My back is already aching. I honestly don’t know how I am going to make the zucchini bread when I know I am going to be in a lot of pain. Even if I am having a low pain day, I could still flare up from baking. Least I will have something chocolate when I want it.

About G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality
This entry was posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

5 Responses to Exhausting, painful, and depressing day

  1. G. Collerone says:

    I don’t need you to do anything but listen. Things will work out, eventually. I will find another therapist but it’s been difficult because every door I try to open, they close on me. Mental health providers shouldn’t be so difficult

  2. manyofus1980 says:

    your in a pretty tough spot. I am sorry therapy was no good today. That really sucks. I am not sure what to tell you to do. Its hard to know. He seems odd though a therapist who wont do therapy? x

  3. Alyssa says:

    Pain is horrible and definitely causes anxiety. I hope you have a great evening and I hope that my blog will be helpful for you. I look forward to reading more of yours!! Take care!

  4. G. Collerone says:

    thank you for reading. It is a constant struggle dealing with pain. I don’t have an anxiety disorder (other than PTSD) but if my pain spikes, I will suffer from anxiety really bad. I get it. I will follow your blog. We can learn from each other. thanks for the follow and read.

  5. Alyssa says:

    Thank you for sharing this! Trying to live a normal life with anxiety and or depression can be challenging and well frustrating! It is truly amazing what we can learn to deal with in life and the strength we all have, that is sometimes hidden. I started having some depression issue after my difficult childhood then as I grew older, dealing with life! I have been battling Multiple Sclerosis for 16 years now and it has had its ups and downs, but I try to hold on to my positive attitude. Personally, I deal with a lot of anxiety and pain. I started my blog 2 months ago and it has been a great experience. I have been able to communicate with so many wonderful and amazing people that really understand what I go through. I have set a goal for myself that I will achieve because I am stubborn and determined. I am going to one post every day for at least one month! I hope if you choose to follow my blog, you will enjoy! I look forward to reading more of your posts! Take care!!

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