disgusted about appt and other things

Disgusted about appt and other things

I couldn’t get out of bed this morning. I kept changing my alarm until it was leave now or be really late. Well, the 945 bus never showed up and I had to wait for the next one, which didn’t take me to the Square. I was late to my 1100 appt. To make it worse, they had delays on the red line. Just lovely. I met with the coordinator for the pain support group. Things were going well, I thought, until I was about to leave, she says that she is not sure the group is for me because of my suicidal history and psychotic symptoms. I was floored. This bitch is the only thing standing between me and joining this group. I am done trying to please her. So she can shove the group up her ass. I am telling my psychiatrist that I don’t want to join the group when I see her next week. I will also leave this bitch a voicemail saying that I am no longer interested. I have waited all year to get into this group and it’s been nothing but red tape.

I then left to get my scripts and get my blood drawn. I was starving by this time as the blood needed to be fasting. I couldn’t wait to get to Starbucks. I needed caffeine and a sandwich. Afterwards, I planned on getting my haircut. I didn’t write in my journal as I just wanted to get my haircut and go home. He did a good job and I am happy with it, as always. I caught the bus home and then went to Walgreens to fill my pain meds. I was hoping there wasn’t going to be a problem filling both scripts. There wasn’t. I then asked what went on with name changes and she told me I needed to go to Social Security and then the RMV before I called my insurance. UGH. I didn’t think of that part. I knew I was going to go to those places but didn’t know I had to do it right away. I need to renew my license but I don’t have the money to do it until the next pay period. I think I am going to put it off a week. It’s going to take me some time to get to Social Security because the closest office near me is in Cambridge but isn’t T accessible. I would have to take a zipcar. I am not entirely sure where it is either. I know the vicinity but I have never been there. While I am there, I am going to have them unblock me so I can access my records online.

I told my mother I will be ordering Chinese food for supper. I figure I would order so she doesn’t have to cook. I have been trying to make it easy for her to have meals or to help her but some days it’s hard for me. I feel bad that I can’t always be dependent on because of my pain levels. Today I tried coming up with ten items my PT wants that I want to work on. I wrote 2 in a spreadsheet on the way home. I can’t think of anything else but these two, wanting to stand for longer than 10 minutes in the shower and making small meals or baking without having to sit at each step. It would be good to be able to make pancakes without having to sit because standing causes me too much stress. I don’t know if this is possible but it’s better than nothing. If I come up with something more before tomorrow, I’ll jot it down.

The PT wanted me to use compression socks but my foot/ankle has been so sensitive that I can’t put it on. Even now with the AC and ceiling fan going it’s hurting my foot. I haven’t been able to do the exercise she gave me because I have been in too much pain. I feel bad about this. I can only do what I can. I’ve had a busy week and next week is busy too. I see the neuro specialist. It’s at 8 am. I think I am going to skip the PT session so I can make it as waking up in the morning hasn’t been happening and I don’t want to wait another 3 months for this doc. It really sucks that I need rest days in between appts and stuff. Just planning things is really difficult because I don’t know what my pain is going to be like until that day hits.

About G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality
This entry was posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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