chronic pain equals chronic exhaustion

Chronic pain equals chronic exhaustion

I was up half the night in pain. When my med alarm went off at 0845, I shut it off and then went back to sleep, without taking my meds. Luckily I woke up an hour later and then took them. I was really tired but I wanted to get my hair cut before I saw my psychiatrist. I went downstairs to use the bathroom and check on my mother. I talked to her till it was time to get dressed and leave for the bus stop. I decided to wear the boot, which was not a wise choice as the snow was melting and there were puddles. By the time I got to the barbershop, I had stepped in a puddle and my foot got cold and wet. I had to buy socks to change.

After I got my haircut, I went to Starbucks. I took a selfie of my new haircut and I looked as tired as I felt. I looked awful. I had a new sandwich, chorizo with egg and cheese. It was spicy, much too hot for me so I won’t order it again. I got a soy latte with 5 shots espresso. It gave me the energy I needed to see my psychiatrist so I wasn’t lifeless. She was running late today so I just played on my phone until she came to get me. We talked about a few things. She wanted to know how I was doing on the Zoloft and I told her okay, so far. I didn’t tell her I gained weight, again. We talked about my uncle’s passing. I didn’t cry like I thought I would. She asked about therapy and I told her that I had a credit with him so will see him for a while. He isn’t a bad therapist, I just feel like I should be getting more from him or maybe I am expecting more and because I am not getting it, I get upset. I told her I will be seeing the LGBT doc next month and hope that my medical/psych issues don’t hinder my transition. She said there will be a center at the hospital opening up but she doesn’t know when that will be. I told her to keep me in the loop as I won’t know otherwise. She said she would. I see her again in three weeks.

I went back to the Square to get the bus home. I thought I missed it but I didn’t. I guess they were running late. Score either way. By this time, my ankle bone was starting to erupt in pain. I had wanted to take a pain pill while waiting for the bus but there was no time as the bus was there. My mother wanted Italian bread so I got off at a stop close to the bakery rather than my regular stop. As usual, there was a customer there and the lady and him were chatting up a storm. Annoys me because I had to wait until their conversation was over before she waited on me. I bought the bread and walked home, carefully to avoid puddles as a light rain had started. There was traffic on the street I had to cross to get to my street. I crossed when the light was red. I saw my cousin as I went up the street. He asked if we were still on for Tuesday night. I said yes, unless that changes with the wake and funeral arrangements for my uncle.

I was really hurting by the time I came home. My ankle was hurting me and my foot was cold from the wet sock. I changed and relaxed a little on my bed. I took some pain meds. I was so tired from all the activity, I wanted to pass out. My mother wasn’t home yet from her doctor’s appointment. I figured she wouldn’t be. My sister called me to tell me of the wake and funeral arrangements. I won’t be having dinner with my cousin. I will be going to the wake but not the funeral. I know I won’t be able to fit into my dress clothes for it. He will be cremated. My sisters are going to my aunt’s house tonight. I would have gone but my pain levels are too high. I also wanted to be home to cook for my mother as I know she would be tired from the appt.

Just making that one meal did me in. I am in so much pain right now, it’s not funny. I am also exhausted. I hate it when pain makes you so exhausted you can’t do anything. I know I did a lot today, between getting my haircut and going to my appt. I really can’t wait till my mother is feeling better so she can go back to her activities. It’s draining me to help her out. I don’t want to do anything tomorrow. I know I will probably be too tired anyways. I just hope I sleep tonight before midnight and pain doesn’t keep me up. I am just fed up with dealing with pain every fucking day. I am tired of the exhaustion and fatigue it gives you. I honestly don’t know how the hell I was able to work close to full time with this much pain. I know I have a high pain tolerance but still. Going from 2 jobs to none in four months still gets me.

any thoughts?

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