ankle throbs yet the heart aches

Ankle throbs yet the heart aches

My ankle and foot are not happy at all tonight. I am still in a lot of pain and now the pain has turned to nerve pain, which means my foot is on fire. I should have taken the gabapentin earlier this evening but thought I would be okay. I should have listened to my gut.

I am feeling hurt by a family member. I have done something nice for this person and I found out tonight that person stabbed me in the back. I don’t know how to deal with it. I just hurt. I know eventually I will get over it but it is painful right now. Sometimes being nice to someone is just the wrong thing to do. I don’t regret doing it but having it thrown in my face, that is just wrong.

I talked with my annoying cousin tonight because I needed to talk to someone about this. He understood and let me vent. He wants me to come over for dinner next week. I hope he doesn’t bail like the last time we tried to have dinner. Only thing is, he lives on the third floor and I would have to climb a lot of stairs. I hope I am not in too much pain. I probably will be as I will be seeing my therapist the day before. I usually have Tuesdays as my rest day. It should be fun though. I don’t know when or where the wake and funeral will be. I don’t know if I will go to the funeral of my uncle. It takes a lot out of me to be sitting and standing. Hopefully it will be local and not too far from where I am. My uncle lived kind of north of Boston, close but hard to get to by public transportation. Actually, I never saw him unless my sister went to their house or I had a car.

I don’t know if pain is going to keep me up all night. I am feeling kind of wired because I am upset over this family member and my mind just keeps going to places. I am not that tired, but more in pain, emotionally and physically. I never thought this particular family member would hurt me so badly. It is a trust that has been broken and I am not sure it can be repaired. Lies are danger weapons. I hate liars with all of my being. My father was a pathological liar so I was hurt often. I always tell the truth no matter how painful it might be. It is just the way that I am. Unfortunately, not everyone is. Just sad when it is a family member you are close to.

I sometimes wish I could blow the fire out with my breath. Unfortunately, that is not how to deal with nerve pain. I had some fun today in my CRPS support group on Facebook. The wonderful leader/creator of the group asked if I would create a post of cuddling stuffed animals or pets after she took down the swear post. I did that this morning. It was awesome seeing everyone’s pets or cuddly stuffed animals. I showed Mary, my stuffed giraffe that I got at the dinner party at my friend’s house where I cooked for them. I then posted a pic of my therapy bears that were at my former therapist’s office. I have been thinking about her a lot as our anniversary of starting and ending was yesterday. It’s been a painful year without her. But I keep having to remind myself that it wasn’t my fault, it was hers and hers alone. She ended it not me. Here are the pics of the bears.

The big bear is Johnny, the little bear on the left is Bucky and the one on the right is Amelia. I love stuffed animals. My first stuffed teddy bear was when I was 12 or 13. His name is Sam and he was my crying bear. Whenever I cried, I held him. He is collecting dust right now by my bed. I remember I washed him and he was damaged from the washer. I was so upset and kept apologizing to him. My mother had to glue his mouth and eye back on him. He lost his stiffness and possibly some stuffing. Took me weeks to get over it. I think he became my crying bear then because I would just cry whenever I held him because I felt bad for hurting him.

I’m going to hold Mary to comfort me tonight. Today has just been a hell of a day.

any thoughts?

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