another failed outing

Another failed outing

I woke probably around 330 but was able to get back to sleep for an hour before pain was really hurting me. I took some pain meds and waited for the pain to go down. I had something to eat and then was able to return to slumber. Around 1030 I got up again. I needed to shower. My lower back was still hurting me as the temps never went beyond 60 degrees. The wind just made everything chilly. I forced myself to shower, hoping it would ease my back but it turned into a question of whether to shower or brush my teeth. I showered and then recouped in my room, my back cramping. I really didn’t want to go out but wanted to pick up my meds.

I let my phone and Bluetooth headset charge while I was showering. When they were ready, I hit the bus stop. My back didn’t like it but oh well. It was warmer than I thought it was, despite the cold wind. I had worn a medium weight shirt, which I took off when I got on the bus. I just walked in the door to Starbucks when my ankle flared. I ordered my drink and a bagel. Something went wrong with the cold brew thing so the barista got behind. I stood there waiting in a lot of pain. As soon as I sat down, I took a pain pill. I was hoping it would settle down but I knew sitting in a chair was not going to help me. I waited for about an hour, read one chapter of 1984, and then caught the bus home. Stupid allergies flared while walking home. There were these trees I walked by that soon as I caught the scent of the bloom, my nose was running. I was gagging with post nasal drip by the time I got to my house. I put the barrels in the driveway (it was trash day) and nearly hurled. I didn’t though. I waited for it to pass and then went in the house.

My postcards that I ordered came. I got the mail and then went upstairs to relax. The top of my foot and ankle were telling me off. I got a packet of postcards to write a personal message when my sister texted me saying she was ordering pizza. That was good because my mother was making pork chops and I kind of lost the taste for them. They are not my favorite meat. When I finished with the message, I went and saw my sister to show her the card. She immediately spotted a typo I didn’t catch! The whole 250 cards need to be redone. Do’h!! I need to reorder them correctly. I am hoping to add some words to the back of the card, even though that will cost extra. It will be worth it as I have chicken scratch handwriting.

I got a tweet from some “board certified therapist” trying to school me on a quote that I have pinned on Twitter page. She doesn’t know what she is getting into. I have over 20 years’ experience in suicide and at least 15 in research. She wants to have a discussion so I said bring it. We are working out a time to chat. HAHA. This will be fun.

Published by

G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality

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