TS and TR

TS and TR

I wanted to listen to new Thomas Rhett with new Taylor Swift but I just screwed up the playlist by adding ALL of TR’s songs rather than the few I wanted. UGH I hate when that happens!

I haven’t been feeling good today. My throat has been bothering me so I have been taking huge amounts of vitamin D as I was exposed to a viral illness thanks to the therapist. She was so sick when I saw her Thursday. I hope she feels better next week. I spent nearly the entire day out as I had therapy and then I had to see my pcp. I was in such a depressed mood. I still am. I don’t want to do shit. I just been drinking ensure If I ate anything yesterday, I don’t remember what it was. I was so dead from being out so long Thursday. I had really bad pain most of the day today. Foot feels like it is ready to cramp at any moment. It is has been torture for most of the day. I keep waking up every few hours to pee. I think the UTI cleared up but now is coming back. I hope I am wrong. I have been trying to stay up on fluids but I just want to fucking sleep.

The therapist and I talked about texting. She put it as a boundary as I was texting too much. I respected it. I guess she expected me to flip out or something. And when I didn’t she was taken aback. I am an adult. You impose a boundary, I will respect it. I told her that she makes me afraid and I couldn’t say why she did. Thursday wasn’t a good day for me cognitively because my brain was still dealing with the hydroxyzine and gabapentin that I took the night before. It was like I had the reason why she scared me so one minute and the next, nothing. I felt like it was silly so I was able to avoid it as the therapist tried several times to get me to talk but I just couldn’t. I just wasn’t there. I never asked her about my diagnosis. We spent so much time talking about the texting. I can’t text her unless it is appointment related. There was a question of if I felt like my suicidality was getting worse but she said that shouldn’t be sent in a text message either. But if text is the ONLY way I have to reach her, how else am I going to call her? I just left it in the air. I wouldn’t contact her anyway if I was in crisis again. I will just go through with it.

There are so many smells coming in my room. Some of the perfume my sister and her daughter uses and the colognes my nephew uses. I also smell broccoli so I don’t know what is going on. I hate scents.

I am feeling depressed for some reason right now. I want to sleep but can’t seem to. It’s only 2130. Hope tomorrow I can do something in my room. Monday is my godmother’s birthday. I am not sure if we will be going down to see her or not. She will be 95. She is not doing so well as she stopped eating nearly 4 weeks ago. My cousin said that she is still drinking some but not a whole lot. I just hope she passes quietly in her sleep.

any thoughts?

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