Had a day out
I had therapy this morning and just like I predicted my therapist got on her high horse and told me to take my meds. I told her I wanted a break from antidepressants and she was like no. Then she said that I didn’t go to medical school so I should trust my psychiatrist and start the new antidepressant. She also said that I should listen to my providers (like her) and do the things they suggest. She called me out and I was pissed. I couldn’t find fault with her argument and that made me madder. I asked if she wanted proof that I take my meds and she said no. But when we were discussing things to do outside of therapy, I am to send proof I am doing it. There were at least three times during session I wanted to leave. I honestly don’t know why I stayed to be reprimanded on my actions or rather inactions.
I am listening to Jeremy by Pearl Jam, a song about teenage suicide. It is one of my favorite Pearl Jam songs because the lyrics speak to me. As I am listening to it now I think about suicide and how my life has revolved around it for more than 30 years. I often wonder why I am still fucking alive. I just live with suicidality. With the exception of the attempt in 2019, I have not acted on my thoughts in a good 15 years. I have been hospitalized a few times during that time but not because I attempted.
After therapy, I need to go out. I shaved and then showered. Then took the bus to the Square. I went to Chipotle for lunch and then I did a little grocery shopping because my mother needed bananas and I needed half and half. It was hot and I was sweating like a pig. It wasn’t muggy just hot.
I am going to write my therapist a note because I am pissed she has dismissed my knowledge of meds because I “didn’t go to med school”. You don’t learn the lethal doses of medications or their pharmokinetics by going to med school. I probably know more than a first year med student. What’s next, I don’t know anything about therapy because I don’t have a PsyD? I guess all the time I was studying psychology in college was a waste. I took pharmacology in college so I think I know a little more than the average Joe. Plus I read a lot about medicine and drugs. I’ve been studying psych meds since I was 15.
I sent my therapist part of the paragraph above because I think it is important she know how pissed I am that she doubted my knowledge of meds. I am glad I went out but it cost me. My legs were feeling weak on the way home. I was really tired from the heat. I didn’t take a nap because I was too restless. I watched a few episode of Community. Such a stupid show to watch.
One thought on “Had a day out”
Old post here but…
Cannot believe that your therapist dismissed your knowledge of psych meds, hell, your the one on them, you know what they do how they work how you react to them! God! How irritating!