Category: Bipolar Disorder

Pissed off and Paranoid

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

Pissed off and Paranoid

I have been really pissed off the past couple of hours and I don’t know why. Nothing has upset me. Hell, no one has really talked to me in that span of time. Yet I am feeling very angry.

I got my delivery. The watch that I bought I need to return because it doesn’t have military time (24 hr.) I wish I knew that before I bought it. It looked to be the same as my current watch and I just guessed that all G-Shock watches were 24 hr. I am a little mad at myself for that because now I got to go through the hassle of mailing back the watch. I did find a 24 hr. watch that is $20 more than the one I need to return. If I want to return it. My current watch is losing battery power and I don’t know how long it will last. I wish I could just find a place that replaces batteries but there are none in my area. It’s a pain! It’s a good watch, too. The new watch is okay. I suppose I could live with a 12 hr. watch, though it will definitely take some getting used to because I have my brain trained to be at the 24 hr. clock.

I emailed my psychiatrist about my psychotic episode. If I really think about it, I had my first visual hallucination today because letters were literally flying off the van that I saw and they were talking to me. I then became paranoid because everyone could see me and was waiting for me to respond to these words. It was very alarming. Nothing like this has happened before. I am kind of scared. I won’t be going out tomorrow. It’s supposed to rain anyways. And I can finally change my damn sheets. I hate changing them. It ALWAYS throws my back out, wrestling with the sheets to put them off and then on. It was much easier when I had a twin size bed. But now I have a full size bed and it’s trickier.

I have therapy tomorrow. I sent my therapist a bunch of blogs and messages over the last few days. I hope she gets to read all of them, or at least some of them. I also sent her pictures. My sister gave me a small urn of my father. The velvet purse it comes with it smells awful. I took a pic and sent it to my therapist. I really didn’t want it but she bought it so I got it. I tucked it away carefully in my sock drawer.

I think I might go back to the hospital after I see my psychiatrist on the 17th. I am feeling like I need extra support and my outpatient providers just aren’t enough right now. I really didn’t have a long enough stay the last time. I just hope the psychosis isn’t permanent. Every time I have a breakthrough episode, I think it’s time to go up on the abilify. I am on a small dose, only 10 mg. My cousin takes 15 mg. He gets really paranoid and he has bipolar 2 as well. I don’t know what he is paranoid about. He never tells me but he just says he is. When I feel paranoid, people are out to get me. I am being watched constantly by outside forces. It’s worse when I am on a crowded bus or train. The bus I was on today wasn’t that crowded but every time someone walked past me I felt their eyes on me. I know rationally they could give two shits about me, but I couldn’t help the feeling they were watching me. It’s a terrible feeling, being paranoid.

Progress?

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

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Progress?

I finally cleared off my bed of most of the books and clothes that had accumulated on the corner of my bed. I also cleared my “office”. Now I just need the motivation and energy to change my damn sheets. I rewarded myself with clearing my bed by going to Starbucks and getting a cold brew vanilla sweet cream iced coffee. I was then rewarded with my bowels going haywire soon after reaching home. I seriously thought I sharted but it was just air, thank goodness. I am now exhausted and my ankle is giving me grief so no sheet changing. Least not for now. My back has been having cramps since I left Starbucks so I am just going to rest. I still have a little stuff on my bed that I need to clear off but the majority of my bed is clear.

Today’s word prompt is “Playful”. It’s funny how these words that don’t have any particular order have significance in my life. I was reminiscing with the voices the other day about how my father hated any type of play that my sisters and I did around him. During one of his angry rages, he broke a treasured chess set that I got for Christmas one year. I never forgave him for breaking it on me. Still haven’t. He never apologized for breaking it and he knew I was upset over it. I tried fixing this set but it was not really the same afterwards.

Another time, I was at my then little cousin’s house. We were playing and I came out of his room with one of his toys because they were really cool. I forget why I left the other kids, but my father flipped the fuck out, saying I was not a kid and shouldn’t be playing with toys. I was like 12? It really hurt me and I cried I was so upset. I think I went in the bathroom to cry. My cousin’s mother saw this and said it was okay for me to play.

Both times that I have recounted this story, it brought tears to my eyes. I think it was the kindness my cousin showed me that proved that not all parents are bad and mean like my father. I have other memories that are painful but I won’t rehash them today.

I got an email from TSPN (Tennessee Suicide Prevention Network). They apologized for taking my work without my permission. They said they would inform me in the future if they want to use my work for their newsletter. They also encouraged me to contribute more things to them, if I desired. I think I might write up something for them. If you are an attempt survivor and want to contribute your story, contact them through http://www.tspn.org. The name of the newsletter is called “can you hear me” (CYHM).

When I came home from Starbucks, or as I was on my way home, I became really paranoid. It was very scary. I thought people and objects were talking to me. As a bus drove by a van, I could have sworn it was talking to me. I couldn’t wait to get off the bus. I have never been psychotic like that before. I took a trilafon when I got home because I was so agitated. I am feeling a little bit better now. I wish my psych was available. I would page her to let her know this happened. I still feel kind of uneasy. But the trilafon is helping me so I don’t think I need anymore meds to feel calmer. The nice thing about this drug is that it lasts for at least eight hours so I should be covered until I take the abilify tonight.

Speaking of abilify, I was reading a blog today where the blogger was having bad side effects from the medication. She is experiencing agitation, more mental than physical and it’s making her feel suicidal. She carefully weighed this drug over many others before taking it. I guess the Seroquel she was taking was no longer working for her so she needed to switch meds. She is also experiencing insomnia. Not good for someone who has bipolar disorder. I hope her psychiatrist gets back to her about what to do and she seeks help before acting on her urges. I wanted to comment on her blog but I had no advice as abilify has worked well for me, aside from the extrapyramidal symptoms I experience every now and then. I take Ativan to counteract them. Otherwise, I would be so screwed. I have noticed that as I have gotten older, my psychotic symptoms have gotten worse. I used to be able to take an anti-psychotic just when I was having symptoms. But since 2008 when I had a psychotic break, I can’t stop my meds at all. Even missing a dose can send me into a psychotic delusion. I have been on many meds for psychosis but they have had serious side effects. I can make a list but there is no point. It’s an exhaustive list. You name it, I probably have been on it (unless it’s come out after 2009). The only class of drugs that I have NOT been on are the MAOIs. That is because I don’t like the diet restrictions these medications have. I am lucky that the current regimen that I take suits me.

A Lot of Things on My Mind

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

A Lot of Things on My Mind

Since I responded to that Psychology Today article, I have receiving emails from whoever comments on it. No one has responded to my comment. But from what I gather from the comments, people are pretty upset, mostly chronic pain folks.

The sauce I made is almost gone. There are about two cups left of the batch I made. I can’t believe it because this time I used two cans of tomatoes. It did come out really good. I wasn’t able to put in the ground beef I wanted to but I will make another batch, in a larger pan, next week. My sister and brother-in-law really loved it, which is why it’s gone! LOL

I have been in a depressed state for most of the day. I really wanted to change my sheets this weekend but now the weekend is over and the sheets are still not changed. I will do it hopefully tomorrow. I still need to clear off my bed. There is not that much stuff left as I have been slowly removing stuff when I walk by. I have no idea where I am going to place the three books that are in that spot. I guess I will add it to the pile that is by my hamper.

I haven’t been feeling suicidal but I have been thinking about it. Mostly, I just been thinking about what it would be like not being alive anymore. I try not to think about it because then I will start planning and that will not be good.

I have changed my name on my blog as the Tennessee Suicide Prevention Network (TSPN) outed me. Instead of being Midnightdemons7, I am G. Collerone. I really didn’t want to do it but the more that I am out, the better things will be. I don’t think I will ever work again so I don’t think there is a chance future employers will look at my blog. My domain will still be midnightdemon.com. I won’t change that as I like it too much.

After I made the sauce, my ankle flared up. I had to take some pain medication to calm it back down. I rested for the first time all day. I was just about to go to sleep when my cousin called me. He owed me money and was giving it back to me. My ankle didn’t like going up and down the stairs to meet him. It also didn’t like me taking a shower afterwards. But I needed a shower because I felt icky with my menses and stuff.

I meet with the ankle surgeon this week for the lump that is on my Achilles. I know that I will have to go for an MRI to see if there is any damage to the Achilles. I want the lump removed. It is just painful and shouldn’t be there. It’s kind of funny, I was thinking about surgery and then what will I do for my father’s appointments. I still have him on my mind. I hope I won’t be too laid up with it. Tomorrow will mark six weeks that he has been gone.

Laid Back Sunday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Laid Back Sunday

I am making a sauce. Unfortunately, I used a small pan and so I wasn’t able to make it with ground beef like I was hoping. But I got some meatballs and threw them in. It still is coming out good. I saved the meat for another day. I will use a bigger pan next time.

I am feeling depressed. I found out that one of my Cauda Equina Syndrome members tried to kill herself yesterday. She is in the hospital where they are not sure if she needs surgery or not. She tried stabbing herself. She did this because she couldn’t stand the pain anymore. She is in the UK. It’s a sad situation.

I haven’t done much except to make the sauce. I tried watching the baseball game but the announcers were pissing me off. They have a three man crew and it’s just annoying. E-Rod is pitching and gave up a home run in the first inning so we are losing 1-0 right now.

I am slowly clearing off the side of my bed that is my office. I hope to get it done by tomorrow and then I can change my sheets, finally. It always takes me a week or so to change them because I accumulate so much stuff on my bed.

It’s a cool day today. It was raining earlier so my foot was acting up. I don’t know why I keep getting cramps in it. It sucks. The sauce has about another hour to cook and then I will go to Walgreens to pick up my prescription. I need to fill my pill box for the week.

I am tired. I really didn’t sleep well. I woke up at 0600 and found it difficult to go back to sleep. I really could use a nap.