Category: Bipolar Disorder

Sleepy Morning

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Sleepy Morning

I slept at least seven hours last night and no dreams! I was happy that I didn’t have any dreams when I woke up this morning or if I did, I don’t remember them. I do want coffee and am debating going to Starbucks early to get it. I just missed the 0900 bus so I need to wait an hour for the next one. I could make coffee at home but I will be going to the Square and really want the vanilla sweet cream. I think I am going to get a venti today as I need more coffee to keep me awake. I just hope it doesn’t give me the jitters.

I am nervous about my upcoming appointment with the ankle doc. Something I didn’t think about was the possibility of being put in a brace to prevent further damage to my ankle. It could happen. I am starting to have a collection of braces and boots. Why not have one more? The ones I do have are for my left foot so I am not sure they would fit my right. If I have to get one, I hope that it’s not a full leg one. Those suck and I definitely won’t be able to drive to see my therapist in a couple weeks.

It’s really windy today. I hope it’s not cold. I don’t want to wear jeans if I don’t have to. I rather wear shorts because it will be easier for the doc to exam my ankle without me having to roll up my jeans. It’s supposed to be in the 60s later today. I will wear a sweater just in case it is cold.

Even though I just woke up, I am still tired. I want to go back to sleep but I am afraid that if I do, I will then feel groggy for the rest of the day. Think I will take the 1000 bus so I can have some breakfast and coffee.

Dang it!

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Dang it!

I was looking over my stats and found out that I missed a day of blogging. I ruined my consecutive days in a row stats. I had almost a year that I have been blogging consistently. I am so mad at myself. I remember the day, too. It was the day that I had to leave the house early to have my appointment with my therapist and then go south of Boston to meet up with some friends. I should have blogged on my phone while I was waiting for the train. Dammit!

I am having a hard time trying to fall asleep. The game is going on so that makes it harder because I want to know what is going on. Right now they are losing. Last night they won in extra innings. There is no game today as they are off. I hate off days. It’s so boring.

I am also in pain, which is another reason why I am up. I keep going downstairs to get some Oreos. They are like potato chips to me. I can’t eat just one. I am hungry as it’s been a few hours since I last ate but it’s almost 0100 and I don’t want to eat this late. I have been craving a salami and cheese sandwich with mustard. I love mustard. Boar’s Head came out with this honey Dijon mustard that is so darn good. I love to put it on my sandwiches and hamburgers. It’s sweet and tangy.

I got the okay from my therapist to contact the grief counselor at the hospice center. I think I need extra support to deal with the loss of my father. I don’t know what else to do. I feel like I am going crazy and the PTSD symptoms are not helping. I know that my therapist can deal with the PTSD but the grief is just too powerful for us to handle. I don’t think my therapist knows how to handle it because it’s been weeks now and I still am feeling wicked sad. I know it’s not her fault I am sad but I just feel like, I don’t know, she just doesn’t get it but she kind of does? And I hate that she keeps saying it’s a “traumatic loss”. I don’t see it that way. Sure I have never seen someone die before but this isn’t a stranger we are talking about. It’s my father. Someone who I once loved dearly but through his own actions made me question that love all the time.

I don’t know how to approach this counselor. And I am not sure how she gets paid. I forgot to ask her or if I did, I forgot the answer. I still need to write a thank you to the hospice nurse. She did go out of her way that day to help us and she should be commended for it, especially as we were outside her area of coverage. She could have referred us to another hospice center but she decided to stay with us, even though it was only a mere 5 days.

I am also nervous about the doctor’s appointment I have later this afternoon. I hope I get some sleep soon or I am not going to be at my best. I will need at least two cups of coffee to stay awake. Maybe I will get a venti coffee so it will be like having two cups of coffee. I just haven’t decided if I am going to read or to write while at Starbucks. It all depends on what kind of mood I will be in. I think I will take my journal with me just in case I want to write. The book I am reading is a psychology 101 book. It’s the updated version of the one I had many years ago when I first went to college for my degree. I got my Associate’s degree in medical assisting.

I also need to call the dentist and make an appointment for a cleaning. I am way overdue for one as it’s been almost or more than two years since my last visit. I hate the dentist because I can’t stand the scraping of my teeth. I know that if I go regularly it wouldn’t be so bad but I hate going. It always makes me nervous and I have to take an Ativan to calm down. It is within walking distance to my house so I don’t have to worry about driving or being driven there. I haven’t been having problems with my teeth but I am paying for dental insurance so I might as well use it while I have it.

Post 1792

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Post 1792

I had therapy today and it went okay. We didn’t talk about anything we didn’t talk about yesterday. She wanted to know more about my “Purpose” blog, but I changed the subject. I have a knack of throwing her off a subject and only if it’s really pressing to her does she come back to it. She is concerned about my REM sleep as it happens very quickly. I don’t know why I can go to REM within about 35 minutes of sleep but I do. Today, for example, I took a nap at around 1110. By 1140 when I woke up, I had a dream. I don’t remember what the dream was about now but it was again, weird. I kind of wanted to tell her about my dreaming about my father but held back. I will one day, if it become more troublesome. Right now I am ignoring him in my dreams so it’s not like I am doing something or he is.

While I was at Starbucks, I was listening to a Rascal Flatts song about a father that had been estranged from his daughter for like 30 years. He then calls her when he is dying and then they both “forget the past”. It set off flashbacks to the last four days of my father’s life. He just deteriorated that quickly. His breathing had changed Friday and he was dead on Monday. Images kept flooding my brain, mostly of how he looked and had, in his last day, a glassy appearance to his eyes. I’ll never forget the look or the sounds he was making.

I texted my therapist that I was having flashbacks and if it would be okay with her to talk to the grief counselor. I think if I see the counselor, it will free up more time for other things to talk about in therapy. I just feel like all we do in therapy lately is just talk about my father. I know he was a big part of my life and he is gone now but there are other things going on in my life, too. Like managing my time, self-care, and handling my illness. I am seeing an ankle surgeon tomorrow for the boney formation that is near my Achilles. It is kind of freaking me out because I think I will have to have surgery to remove it. I know I will have to have an MRI before anything is done. But I am just worried that the stress of surgery and what it will do to my “bad” ankle if I have to put weight on it because I don’t think I can bear weight on my “good” one. It’s going to be tricky. I will weigh the benefits and stuff. But I just don’t want to damage the Achilles further, if it is. X-ray doesn’t show soft tissues so I don’t know if this bony formation has. I know she isn’t a medical person but talking to her about this anxiety is what therapy is about.

I know talking about my father is important too. I just think talking to someone specific about grief might be helpful and let me deal with it more. It’s been almost two months and I still haven’t cried or grieved him. Days I don’t have therapy, I just space out. It’s affecting my writing because I am just so sad. I want the sadness to go away and I don’t know how.

Random 555

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Today just sucks. I woke up in pain in my foot. I went to the bathroom and that flared up my ankle. I just wanted to take pain medication and go back to sleep but I had therapy and didn’t want to be groggy. So I just took one pill and hoped for the best. I wasn’t sure if I would be able to change my sheets but I did it! Nearly threw my back out but I did it. Wrestling with the sheets to go back on was harder than taking them off.

In therapy we just got caught up on the weekend activities. She read the blogs that I sent her. We talked about them and about the psychotic episode I had yesterday. She thinks it was because it was Monday and I was “stressed”. I found this answer to be bullshit. I didn’t feel stressed. If anything, I would say that I am due for a psychotic break and it finally happened. Usually when I am post a horrible depression, these types of things happen. The important thing is that it cleared up and I haven’t had any recurrances.

I have been struggling with writing the “Daily Prompt” for today. I started writing it and then my mind went blank. I hate when that happens. I hope to go back to it sometime tonight, but if I don’t, there is always tomorrow. I will just put the email in the folder to remind me later. Sometimes I can write right off the back on topics but when it’s personal, it’s a little more difficult. Especially when your mind wanders. I have been spacing out since I made my bed. Not really dissociating or anything of the sort. Just kind of staring off with a blank mind. It happened more frequently after my father was dying and more after he died.

My therapist was kind of shocked that I got a little urn with my father’s ashes that said “Loving Dad”. We can’t really say that he was an asshole because that would be inappropriate. I have been having dreams of my father. I haven’t told my therapist because I don’t want to talk about it. It’s not disturbing or a nightmare. He just shows up in my dream. Sometimes he walks in and I walk away. Other times he is just lying down, dying and I ignore him. So pretty much what went on in life, is happening in my dreams. It is kind of freaking me out a little bit but not to the point where it’s scary or anything. I just wake up and am like WTF.

I miss my psychiatrist. She has been gone for a week now but it feels like ages since I last saw her. I don’t see her until next Friday. I am supposed to be watching my niece that day. We’ll see if she wants to go with me or not. If not, my mother will have to watch her.

My ankle and foot have been bothering me most of the day so I have been taking pain meds around the clock. I think that might explain why I have been feeling doped up. I wish I could sleep but I just am not sleepy. I have the hungry horrors today. I have been eating every other hour since I got up this morning. I think I am finally full as I just had supper. Going down the stairs was tough. My ankle didn’t like it at all. I still need to shower. Think I am going to take one more pain pill and then go for it otherwise, I won’t.