Category: Bipolar Disorder

Did too much and paying for it

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Did too much and paying for it

Nearly every day this week, I have made a trip to Starbucks. And practically every night, I have been paying for it. I usually go every other day because I need a rest day in between. But I didn’t take a rest day because I felt “okay”. Now it’s the end of the week and I am hurting really bad. So bad, that it’s making depressed.

I wish I was seeing my psychiatrist earlier than next Friday. I feel like I am hanging by a thread today. The voices have been non stop since I let them in. They just won’t shut up. I don’t understand it because I haven’t been stressed and we were just having a normal conversation. Nothing stressful or triggering. Now my brain is just firing away and the voices are wicked loud. I am in serious pain and I just can’t quiet them down to think of what I can do to ease it. I have music playing to try and distract me.

I took some pain meds once I got a break. Then I was quizzed on how many I took and why I was taking them. They always want me to take more than what I need, like more is better. More isn’t better. It’s no more effective than taking a handful of Tylenol for a headache. They just want me to hurt myself. I will do it with other drugs but not my pain meds. I don’t want to die like my father, with liver problems due to the Tylenol that is in my pain meds. I am not stupid like the voices think I am.

I haven’t told my therapist about all this. Not much she can do about it anyways. Even if I text her to talk to her, the most she is going to say is for me to page my psych or go to the ER. If I go to the ER, chance are I will be admitted. I don’t want to be admitted so the ER is out. I can be admitted after the 17th when I see my psych and get my pain meds appointment. I really was hoping that I wouldn’t need another admission so soon after my last one. But then, I wasn’t expecting to become psychotic either.

Being in pain is not helping my thoughts. I feel really depressed and it’s feeding the suicide demons. For the first time in two months (?), I am thinking of taking my life again. It’s not serious. It is just in passing, like what if I would take my life? Then I think of the plan that I cooked up a few months ago. I can still go through with it. It could work this time. A more lethal medication. Only question is, do I actually have enough to kill myself. The LD is 10 mg and I am not sure I have it. I have to count the pills and I am scared to because it will just mean one more step closer to killing myself when I want to.

After my father died, I was thinking about getting a life insurance policy. I got a response from the one I applied for online. They want medical documentation for my illnesses. Nope. Not getting it. Chances are they will have this information just to deny me. I will find another policy holder. I thought it would be too easy to get on the first try. I never got life insurance through my work. I did have insurance in case something happened to me while I working. It was something like $100,000 coverage in case of injury or accidental death and it was for something ridiculously small amount of like $6/wk. There were higher amounts but that was the cheapest and in my line of work, the risk of me losing a limb was quite low.

I wanted to get the life insurance just in case something happened to me. Then my family wouldn’t have to scramble like we did for my father with arrangements and such. I do have a pension with my work but I don’t know what happens to it when I die. Maybe I should find out. It most likely will die with me.

Soon as the pain meds kick in, I will take my night meds. I was going to listen to the game but I don’t feel up to it. I will follow it on Twitter or the MLB website until I can’t fight sleep any longer. Or I might just read something so I can feel like I did something productive today. Today just feels wasted. Voices are loud now. They are pissed I am typing and ignoring them. Maybe I will take a trilafon, too.

Dentist and Other Things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Dentist and other things

I finally went to the dentist after a two year hiatus. I have a cavity that I kind of knew I did while he was cleaning my teeth. It was very painful when he was scraping that particular tooth. I have to go back Monday for the filling. I will need to take an Ativan before hand as I don’t like needles when they are pointed at me. It will just freak me out like it did the last time I had a cavity, which thankfully has been years. I had the dentist look at the corner of my mouth to see if it was a canker or a cold sore. It was a canker. So now I need to get some medicine to help it heal as it is painful every time I open my mouth. It was killing me while getting my teeth cleaned. I hope it’s gone by Monday.

After the dentist, I went to get a coffee. I tried writing in my journal but kept on getting distracted by a kid that was sitting opposite from me. He was so damn jittery. He kept on kicking the chair next to me. I was getting so damn annoyed. Then I decided maybe I would write the letter to the hospice place to thank the nurse and social worker. Nothing came to me. I hated the chair I was sitting at because it wasn’t the chair I usually sit in. I was facing the door and kept on getting distracted by all the customers coming in and out of the store. Today was a very distracting day. I couldn’t focus on anything. So I caught the next bus home.

While I was home, I was thinking about what to write for the hospice place and I finally was able to write something. Now I just need to show it to my sisters and get their signatures so I can mail it. I am glad it got done. One less worry off my plate. Now I just need to get in touch with the social worker so I can talk with her. I think it will be helpful so I am not taking up time with my therapist about my father all the time. I wish I was seeing my therapist next week. I’d really like to have a session where we talk about this face to face so I can get her impressions. See therapy goes both ways. She does her thing and I do mine and we call it a therapeutic exchange.

I had time today to call for a PT appointment but I wasn’t in the mood to deal with morons or to really talk to people. My case is very specific and I probably will need to talk to the director of the place to see if I can get the care I need. I don’t want the run of the mill therapist that just throws exercises at you. I need someone willing to work with me because I am injured in my other ankle. If that is too much, then I will just get exercises from the internet and do PT that way. I found 3 exercises that are made for the Achilles. Two seem doable to me. The third will be kind of hard because I will have to bear weight on my left ankle/foot (bad one). I read the prescription and it’s eccentric exercises that I need to do. I will google those later.

When I came home, I was wicked agitated. I sort of calmed down with the writing and talking to the voices. Some new ones have been added but they aren’t harmful. They just ask a lot of fucking questions and criticize what I say most of the time. They also are nosey and want to know what I am doing, what I am writing, what I am reading, why I am reading and not writing, etc. It’s tiresome. Tonight we were talking about going back to college, which is still a sore spot for me. If I had stayed at my job and didn’t move on to the research one, I probably would have got my degree by now. All the what ifs started playing over. The major thing was having a psychotic break in 2008 and not being able to return to college afterwards because the meds made my cognition so difficult. It interfered with my thinking. I couldn’t get off my meds so I had to take an incomplete for the class I was taking. Because I then dropped out, I got an F for the class. My GPA is probably in the negative or zero now, not like it was high to begin with. But now that I am not working, the voices want me to go back to school, probably so they can fuck me over again. I am not convinced I can go to school and still collect my Long Term Disability (LTD). I don’t even know what the stress of going to school is going to do with me. I am kind of scared but I don’t have the money for college so I am not too worried about it now. Unless I hit the lottery, then I will worry about it. But then, I wouldn’t have to worry about the financial things like that anyways. I need to play the PowerBall. It’s 140 million, last I checked anyways.

I canceled my Netflix subscription. I haven’t watched an episode of Friends in at least two weeks. I don’t know why I should pay for something if I am not using it every day. Or at least, every other day. I knew this would happen. I just am not a person to watch TV shows. I rather read books. And I got a lot to read because the pile keeps getting higher instead of lower. I just bought 10 books on Kindle. I have no idea why but I did. It was a once in a lifetime deal though. I got it all for $15. One of the books I have the hardcopy of so now I can read it either way. That is if I can get through the stuff I am currently reading. I have two books I am actively reading and one that is my “whenever I feel like it”. The 4th and 5th books are my leisure books. I read those when I want a break from the other stuff I am reading. I don’t know how I got to 5 books that I am reading but I did. It’s working out and hopefully I will finish all five by the end of the year.

Agitated, depression, and pain don’t mix

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Agitated, depression, and pain don’t mix

I am feeling wicked agitated right now and I don’t know why. I just bought 10 books for $15 about the business of writing. Lawrence Block sent out the link and I wanted to get it before it disappeared forever. I could buy the book individually but it would cost me more than $15. I had a little trouble getting the last 5 books. It wouldn’t sync to my tablet. Then the whole 10 started so I had to delete the duplicates. I was getting really annoyed.

Then I kept thinking about my father. My sister had invited me to lunch on Saturday. She works in the same town my father lived, literally down the street from him. I was going to ask if she was going to swing by my father’s to check on him. I had to bite my tongue and it’s killing me that he isn’t around anymore. I can’t believe I am missing him. This is something I was not expecting.

Then my foot/ankle (left/bad) is killing me. I can’t seem to get the pain under control. I have taken two pills before 1800. So now that it’s 2200, I took two more. I know it’s because the doc had move my foot in ways that it doesn’t like to be moved. And he was pressing on the part of my ankle that is really sore. So the whole fucking thing is aggravated, which is annoying and pissing me off because I really want to get to sleep. I wish there was a baseball game playing that I could watch but I no longer have the MLB network.

Another thing that was pissing me off is that the Sox drafted a high schooler and people were comparing him to a pitcher that now sucks for the Sox. They are worried about how he is going to spend his money and things like that. UM, we didn’t get him for his financial spending. We got him for his pitching. I guess this kid was pretty excited because he really wanted to play for us. Hell, if I was drafted by my dream team, I’d be pretty excited, too. I just hope he pans out. Last year we had a problem with a young player that thought he was above the law because he was a baseball player. He went away. I forget his name.

I have been listening to my music the last few hours to try and distract me. Some songs are helpful. Others, I have to skip, which annoys me. Also, I had to put the do not disturb function on my phone because I kept getting text messages from the T with delays. I am just in a wicked agitated state. I might have to take some trilafon. I don’t think this agitation is good. I don’t know what brought it on. I know I am still annoyed I still have my menses. I thought it was going away this morning because things were clear. But as the day progress, that wasn’t the case. I am so pissed off I got to deal with this. I really want a hysterectomy. I am going to ask my NP if I can get one. I have no use for my uterus. It really is useless.

I still am depressed. I thought I was “recovered” from it but I guess it’s still sticking around. The gray clouds have shown up. I just feel so bogged down. I know it’s because I am still a fucking female. I hate my breasts and I hate myself for not doing something about it when I had the chance to. If I had a noodle in my brain, I could have used one of my credit cards to get the surgery to remove them. But it’s too late now. Now I got to see if my insurance will cover the cost of removing them and I have no idea what the copay, if any, it will be. Not that I wish cancer on anyone but if breast cancer ran in my family I could possibly get them removed as a proactive case to prevent the cancer from showing up. But nope. Cancer doesn’t really run in the family. God I hate myself. I just want to die. I could kill myself now and then worry about nothing. I am such a fucking idiot. A complete loser. I really loathe myself and there is nothing to contradict this. I am just a scumbag.

Cold June Day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Cold June Day

The temperature never got above 60 degrees today and the wind made it feel colder than that. The house is cold so I had to put on my winter PJs and a long sleeved t-shirt. I am glad I wore a sweater when I went to the docs because it was chilly. I still wore shorts, which wasn’t too bad.

The doc said all I need is physical therapy. Something about exo-something exercises. I remembered the word when I left the office. Now I forgot it. He says it could be weeks to months to get better. Wonderful. The story of my life! I have to get something complicated. Can’t be something easily fixed. Now the question is where the fuck do I go for therapy? If I go to SRH I have to fax the prescription before they’ll even call me to set up an appointment. There is the place I went to 10 years ago but I don’t know if they are still there.

I figured out how I missed a day of blogging, but not really. I published something 5 minutes past midnight on the 25th so that means I was working on a blog but didn’t publish it in time. Think I am going to change the time so there is a blog for that day. Otherwise, I got to start over and that just isn’t sitting well with me.

My ankles are hurting me from all the poking and manipulating the doc did. My left is hurting me more than my right. My feet are also feeling really cold so I put on some thermal socks. I am very tired as I left the house early this morning and didn’t come home till around 1600. It’s been a long day. I had my iced coffee. I changed it up a little. I added mocha to it, which I will never to again. It just made the coffee really bitter. I couldn’t finish drinking the whole thing because my bladder was full. I must have drank ¾ of it.

My sister called me wanting to go out to lunch Saturday. She is working and I almost asked her if she was going over my father’s after work. I had to bite my tongue. It just sent off a wave of grief. She decided to have burgers at home as my other sister brought some from her work. I have been meaning to have a burger. Wendy’s has been advertising a mozzarella and bacon burger. I am so glad I don’t own a car because I would be going to Wendy’s every time their commercial came on TV or the radio or the internet. I like Wendy’s more than I like McDonalds or Burger King. I usually just eat their chicken sandwiches but every now and then I will have their burgers. I am such a carnivore.

I texted my therapist that I didn’t need a brace or surgery for my ankle. I told her I should just seriously look into hiring a personal physical therapist that is trained in the ankles and back. I doubt I would be able to find a girlfriend that is one. That would be kind of awesome. I just worry that the stress of putting my weight on my left ankle is going to give me more pain. I have to seriously weigh this out, which is why I want someone that is willing to work with me as this isn’t just a simple case of Achilles tendonosis. Well, it is. Except I don’t have a healthy opposite ankle to work with. I am going to look up the exercises. Maybe I can do them at home. He did show me one while in the office that I am going to try out. He did say that the lump will always be there. I just need to strengthen the tendon so it’s not so “stringy”.