Category: Bipolar Disorder

Sunday Blog 13

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Sunday Blog 13

I have been feeling sick most of the day. The morning started off fine until I started coughing and wheezing. I have no idea where all the congestion came from. My back didn’t appreciate it. I went back to bed after I had breakfast and slept for a little bit. My sister called me wanting some of my sauce that I made yesterday. I feel bad for my therapist because there isn’t any left. I was going to give her the last of it but there’s hardly enough to give. Next time I am going to have to make a larger pot. My sister and niece loved the sauce.

When I woke up from my little nap, I felt nauseous. I was going to order Chinese food but I am holding off on it until the nausea goes away. I haven’t decided where I am I going to order from. I have a couple of options because I only want chicken fingers, fried rice and scallion pancakes. I plan on ordering large so that my mother can have some as well.

Last I checked, the Sox were losing to the Jays again. It was nothing nothing until the 5th inning. Then the Jays scored two runs. This will be the second game they will have lost if the Sox don’t start swinging the bats.

If it’s going to rain, I wish it would already. I am not sure how much more back pain I can take. Course the temp dropped 40 degrees overnight so that isn’t helping me. Taking the NSAID is helping but I got to make sure I have food in my stomach or there will be trouble. Last thing I need is a GI bleed.

My cousin got back to me about seeing my aunt. We have a tentative date tomorrow for dinner. It will be good to see her. I know neither she nor my cousin are going to approve of my current haircut. I will be wearing a hat, in any case. Hard to believe a month ago today was the funeral. That’s the last time I saw my cousin.

I haven’t done anything today because I have been too tired to do anything. Having a back ache hasn’t helped either. I feel bloated though I haven’t eaten a whole lot today. I guess it’s because my stomach isn’t feeling too good. I also been constipated the past few days despite taking senna. I haven’t had coffee so I think that hasn’t helped loosen my bowels either. It sucks. I think I am going to take a fiber pill tonight to see if that helps move things along.

Saturday Blog 51

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 51

I made my Bolognese sauce today. It came out so good. I cooked the sauce for almost two hours. I have been watching the baseball game while it has been cooking. Sox are leading right now, 9-8 in the 9th. And they lost due to the incompetence of the 1st baseman. Unfucking real. 10-9 Blue Jays. I am so pissed.

I made a big pot of pasta for my brother-in-law and I. I am hoping he isn’t too tired after doing his yard work to put in the AC. I moved the stuff out of the window so he can have access to the unit and window. Most of the stuff is on my bed so I can’t be in my room. It’s wicked hot up there anyways. I am in the living room with the fan and it’s much cooler.

I need to take a shower before bed tonight. I am wicked sweaty as it’s really hot today. I plan on taking one soon as my brother in law puts in the AC. I am wicked tired between the heat and the cooking. My ankle is thanking me kindly for standing so long. I cleaned up but haven’t washed the dishes or pans yet. I will do that after I take a nap.

When I woke up early this morning, my back was hurting me badly. I have no idea why but I couldn’t move without pain. I took some pain meds and went back to sleep. I didn’t get up till around noon. The pain was still there but it wasn’t as painful and I could move better. The pain kind of went away as I was able to move around. That is kind of weird because usually I am incapacitated when I have severe back pain. I went to two stores to get disposable Tupperware. Walgreens didn’t have it so I went to another store. I am glad I went to the second store because I was able to get a Danish and donuts. I had to put the chocolate frosted ones in the fridge because otherwise, the chocolate would melt.

My sister asked me to get in touch with my aunt so we could see her this weekend. I haven’t heard back from my cousin yet. It’s going to be hard seeing her. We don’t know how she is going to take seeing us as she hasn’t seen us since my father died. I am glad that she saw him before he died.

Broke my Rule

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Broke my rule

It’s over 80 degrees in my room so I had to break my rule of keeping the door closed. I can’t open the window because I don’t like it. Now the stuffiness is a little more tolerable than it was. I don’t know what I am going to do tomorrow as the temp is supposed to be 90 degrees and my bro-in-law hasn’t put my AC in yet. I think I might melt.

I got some reading done tonight. A whole chapter and a half. I had to switch to my reading glasses because the progressive lenses suck for reading. It’s like reading through a concave lens. I kept having to shift my eyes or my head to read the page. Annoying!

I complained to Amazon about my shipping problem. They were no help as they want me to contact the seller. There is nothing s/he can do about it as it’s already mailed. Hope they got their money’s worth of my $7 that I paid. As I usually send things via media mail, I know it’s the cheapest way to send books so s/he probably paid half of that. I am never getting expedited shipping again. It never works out for me. I am seriously considering getting Amazon Prime so I can get two day shipping for free.

I am in mega pain tonight. There has to be a storm coming because my spine is aching really bad and the CRPS is flaring up on me. I can see every vein in my foot and it’s throbbing big time. I hate being in so much pain. I just took my night meds so I hope that plus my pain meds knock me out. But I am in a hot room so I am not so sure I can sleep, even with the door open. I might have to take some nerve pain meds. I really don’t want to because I will wake up a few hours after I sleep and I will be up the rest of the night. I might be pain free but I will be wide awake.

I haven’t emailed my psych since the beginning of the week. I should send her an email saying I am doing okay. She is worried about me becoming manic. I think the depression has finally lifted a bit and I am just left with the sadness of the death of my father. I really didn’t think I was going to miss the bastard, but it happened. I saw a picture of him today when he was a little overweight. It was taken when my littlest niece was maybe six, so it was almost 5 years ago. He had the smug look on his face that I can’t stand. I don’t know why I miss him. It’s strange to me that I do. I guess it’s the one attachment in my life that I tried to cut out but never quite could and now that he is gone, permanently, it sucks. The “movie” started playing again today. It was in fast forward from the time the ambulance people transported my father to when I first noticed he wasn’t breathing anymore. That’s where it ended, today at least. Then I went through what happened afterwards with me panicking about what to do. I am usually calm in emergencies but this wasn’t an emergency. My father was dead and there had to be an official notification of his death. Here it is a month later and we are still dealing with him and his ashes. “Dust we are and as dust we shall return”. I don’t know the verse in the Bible but I think that is how it goes. It’s funny that Jesus didn’t return as dust. He just rose from the dead and was never seen or heard from again.

I seriously need to finish the story I started while I was in the hospital. I know I am risking PTSD symptoms and with this being a holiday weekend, there is no coverage. My psych will be on vacation next week and I am sure my therapist will be away somewhere with her family. Only place I can go is the ER or take an extra Ativan, if I need it. It’s funny that the chapter I was reading about psychopharmacology and PTSD included Ativan as a medication to control symptoms relating to anxiety. PTSD is of course in the anxiety family of diagnoses. I had forgotten about that. It works well with me and my symptoms. I am lucky to have a drug that works for me. I have been on so many and they have failed me. It’s nice to finally be on one that works. I don’t use it all the time, just when I am desperate and all else has failed me, like grounding and distraction. Lately, distraction hasn’t been working for me. Music has though. I get lost in the sounds and lyrics. I finally was able to listen to Mary Chapin Carpenter’s new album tonight and found it wasn’t as depressing as it was when I was depressed. It’s a pretty good album.

Friday Ramble 2

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I went to the barbers today for a touch up. He couldn’t believe how much my hair grew overnight. I have been telling him for the past two years my hair grows fast and he didn’t believe me until now. If I still have cash in two weeks, I will go for another cut. I just won’t get the top buzzed because I miss having some hair on my head. Right now my head feels like a steel course brush. I love the feeling.

After the barbers, I went to the Square for a coffee. There weren’t any seats so I just got my coffee and left for the next bus home. I had some time so I bought my T-pass for the month. I don’t know if it is worth it anymore as I am not visiting my father anymore nor going into town for his appointments. I still have my appointments but I am mostly on the phone with my therapist. My psychiatrist I see every two weeks or so. Maybe I won’t get a pass for the month of July and save myself some money. I kind of like the pass because then I don’t have to keep track of how much money I use per trip.

I am pissed my expedited shipping is media mail and I won’t receive my book until next week. Media mail is the cheapest way to send a package. I feel like I have been duped because I paid extra to have it shipped immediately. The seller is not going to get a good review, if they ask for one. I am glad I don’t need this book for a class or something important. I’d be behind the other classmates.

I am feeling really sad today and I am not going to shake it. I think my fighting the feeling is just making the grief worse. I have no appetite today. I had a bowl of cereal for breakfast and now the thought of food is making me sick. I was going to make a Bolognese sauce today but I don’t have the energy to. I just feel so down. I feel like I want to cry but the tears aren’t coming. My sister texted me to see if I wanted to go with them to drop off the urns to the funeral home. My sister got a big urn and two smaller ones. I don’t know why. She still plans on getting a tree for the backyard. My brother-in-law is nuts if he thinks he is going to place it in the front of the yard. I am just afraid the roots of the tree will not have room to grow and the tree will die.

I woke up early this morning in pain. My ankles are still hurting me. I don’t know which one hurts more. It sucks because I don’t know which leg to limp on. Dammit, I forgot to go to Walgreens on the way home to get disposable Tupperware for my sauce. I guess I will go tomorrow because I am too tired and in too much pain to go back out. I hope tomorrow I feel better because I really don’t want the meat to go bad. I should have bought Manwich and then I could have sandwiches. My mother is going to make chicken pot pie for dinner. Sounds good to me because I don’t think tomato sauce would agree with me tonight.

I had every intention to read before going to sleep last night but it never happened. I feel like with each passing day I don’t read, I am getting further behind for some reason. It’s been almost three months since I finished a book. I was on a good pace to read 40 books this year. Now I am not so sure it’s doable. I will feel defeated if I don’t complete this challenge. I have 33 books I need to read by Dec 31st.