Category: Bipolar Disorder

Back Pain Sucks

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Back Pain Sucks

I woke up with more back pain. It was hot in my room so I turned the AC on to cool off. I wanted to go back to sleep but I never did, despite taking my pain medications. Before I knew it, it was time for therapy. I had to apologize for not being able to give her some of my sauce and not being there in person. She understood because once she saw the photo I sent of my sauce, she wanted some, too. She also understood and didn’t want me driving in pain.

We talked about various things in therapy, mostly about PTSD symptoms as they have been cropping up as well as the weird dreams I have been having lately. I am afraid to sleep during the day because REM sleep comes so quickly. Normally, REM is achieved within 90 minutes of sleep. I am achieving it within 45, so half the time. If the dreams were pleasant, I wouldn’t mind but they are just weird and sometimes disturbing.

After therapy, I waited at the bus stop when my cousin drove by. He gave me a ride to Starbucks and I got a soy latte. My friend gave me the idea to get a double shot espresso over ice and pour milk over it. It’s the same as a latte except you are adding the milk so technically aren’t paying for it. I wanted to try it today but couldn’t. The iced soy latte was good enough for me. Maybe Thursday I will try it. Tomorrow I am NOT going out because I really need to rest my back as it’s not getting better. I ordered a book at a local bookstore and went to pick it up. I was in agony the whole way there. Luckily, I took a pain medication before I left and so by the time I was on my way home, my pain was a little less. It still hurt to walk though. I couldn’t straighten out. I should have used my cane but sometimes the cane is more cumbersome than helpful.

I wanted to write when I got to Starbucks but there were no seats available so I went to the bookstore. I am turning in a real Neil Gaiman fan. My therapist keeps calling me a guy and it’s so cute when she says it. I have to laugh. I do love it because no one else really sees me as a guy. Once I have my breast surgery, I will file for my sex change. Until then, I will keep things as it is. I told her I was going to change my name sometime next month. I got the forms but I need my birth certificate before I do anything. Crap, I meant to deposit some money in my checking account today so I can mail out the payment for it. Pain sucks because it distracts you. I just wanted to do what I had to do and then go home.

It was hot today but not as hot as I thought it would be. I still have the AC on because I can’t stand the heat. I am on the second floor so it’s kind of uncomfortable otherwise.

My therapist is happy that my depressive symptoms have been relieved. I am not as depressed as I was a month ago. I am eating and have my interests again. I even read two chapters in a book last night. I can’t remember the last time I did that. I feel good but it’s tinged with sadness from the grief I feel over the loss of my father. I told my therapist I haven’t been able to take the notepad out of my backpack to work on the story because it feels too heavy, emotionally. I know I will work on it, when I am ready. There’s no time table for me to work on it and it’s not like I have a deadline. I would like to work on my book. I have been thinking of writing an introduction. I still need to work on another story. Today I have been thinking of writing about the experience I had with this awful depression that lasted for nearly five months. I was reading some of my blogs from during this period. I have no idea how I was able to write every day as I was so down in the dumps.

But before I can do any writing, I need to get this back pain under control. I need to lay down and rest it. Sitting is not helping it and neither is walking around. But the problem is that I have been too restless to lie down. I seriously need to drug myself to get to sleep or at least rest. It’s just so difficult because I am in the agitated state of the depression. I don’t want to rely on Ativan to calm me down, even though it would help the spasms and pain that I am in. The baclofen doesn’t really help much and I don’t have a prescription for flexeril. I just have to create my own regimen and I know that laying down is what I need. I just wish I could read while doing it or write but I can’t. So tomorrow is going to be a serious rest day if I am still in pain.

Tough Decisions

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Tough Decisions

Since Friday morning my back has been hurting moderately to severely. Saturday when I made the sauce, it almost went out on me completely because I washed the pots and pans. Today I made some pasta to go with the rest of the sauce and I am hurting. So I had a tough decision to make and that was to cancel my Zipcar for tomorrow to see my therapist in person. I don’t think I can drive for 45 minutes, sit for another 50 minutes, then drive another 45 minutes home. My back would kill me and I am already in no position to fight it. The temperatures have been made crazy with the humidity now creeping up.

I hated cancelling the car because I really wanted to see my therapist. I wanted to show her my writing of the story I am working on. But stupid back pain is preventing this from happening. I know once the temps level off I will be okay. I hate being sensitive to the weather changes but I don’t have a stable back. Just taking a shower today killed me. I had spasms in my lower back and could barely stand straight. I haven’t been able to stand up straight all weekend long. It’s been brutal.

My cousin called my sister to cancel seeing my godmother. She isn’t feeling well. I was so looking forward to seeing her too. She has been ill a lot lately but then she is 92. I am kind of glad I don’t have to get dressed and go out. My back would not be kind to me. I am getting a little bit of cabin fever though. I haven’t left the house since Friday. It’s supposed to be really hot tomorrow so I am not sure I will go out. I hate heat. Summer is not my favorite season.

Because of my back issues, I haven’t been able to clear my bed off to change my sheets. I was really hoping to do it this weekend but I wasn’t counting on being in pain. We did have rain for most of the morning and afternoon but now the humidity has been creeping up as well as the temp. It’s 74 degrees right now, up 10 from this morning. I have no idea if it’s going to increase or decrease for the night. I just know I need my pain meds and need to lie down. Maybe wear a heating pad too.

Memorial Day 2016

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

Memorial Day 2016

Today is the day Americans honor those that gave the ultimate sacrifice, their lives to their country in times of war so that we the people can enjoy the freedoms we have. It’s a solemn day. We have parades in their honor as well as decorating their graves with flags or boots with their pictures on them so they are not forgotten. Some are honoring those that have died by suicide after their service. It’s a tragedy that these brave men and women come home after surviving their wars and then kill themselves to relieve them of their nightmares. The latest count was 22 suicides a day. It is sad.

I remember while waiting for my transport to the hospital, I got friendly with another young patient who served and fought in Afghanistan. She was diagnosed with PTSD and bipolar disorder so received a medical discharge. Now she has no benefits from the military at all. I find this sad because a lot of vets are being denied services because of this. Sure, she didn’t lose a leg or an arm, but why should she lose her benefits because she has a mental condition. That is what is wrong with this country. It doesn’t view mental illness the same as a physical illness. It pisses me off. Until this changes, the more suicides are going to happen. And I am not talking just those in the military.

I woke up feeling blah. I really don’t want to do anything today. I made coffee because I thought it might change my mood. It didn’t. I did enjoy the coffee, even though I made it a little too sweet. I sometimes have a heavy hand when it comes to sugar. I am so damn tired though. I woke up around 0200 and then fell back to sleep about an hour later. It’s been a rough night. I had a weird dream again. It was about my sisters but exact what I don’t remember. I am feeling really down for whatever reason.

I haven’t had any breakfast yet. It’s around noon time now so I should be thinking about lunch. I have black bean burgers I can make. I also have enough leftover sauce to make a small bowl of pasta. I feel really bad that I can’t share my cooking with my therapist. Maybe next month. I still can’t believe how good the sauce came out, though it was more meat than sauce. It definitely calls for two cans of tomatoes. I really love a rich sauce you can stick a fork into.

This evening, I will be visiting my godmother. It’s going to be hard because it’s the first time seeing her since my father passed away. She is the surviving sister on my father’s side. There is just two of the eight left. I have an uncle in France and my godmother. It’s really sad. I wonder if the grief ever goes away or if you always feel it. I never really knew my uncles. They died when I was young, two died before I was born. What is really sad is that there were no sons born from my uncles. No one is going to carry on my surname. It’s just going to die out.

Ankle Chronicles 12

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Ankle Chronicles 12

I haven’t written a chronicle in a while so I thought I would as my ankle is being a fucker right now and I don’t know why. I didn’t do anything like I did yesterday so not sure if this is a delayed reaction or what. I just know that I am in pain.

I ordered my Chinese food tonight. My stomach is nice and bloated. I don’t know why I was eating while standing. That might be why my ankle is upset with me. I then stood to finish watching the game. Sox came back in the 11th inning to win 5-3. I usually stand in the kitchen because the box is hard to read, even with my glasses on, when I am sitting. I like to see the pitch count and other stuff. I finally figured out today what the fourth box was when they showed the score. It was LOB, left on base. I don’t know why they are showing this stat. It’s annoying.

Pain begins in my ankle and then trickles down my foot into my toes. It drives me nuts that this is the pattern every single night. Then when it is in my toes, I am in agony. I have yet to figure out the right combination of pain meds to stop it or at least decrease my pain. If I take it before it starts, I have a good chance but it’s hard to tell because I never know how severe the pain is going to be. It can be a 5-7 on a scale of 1-10 and then quickly move to a 9+. It’s worse if I get a cramp or a spasm. Sometimes I will get a “tic” where the foot will just jerk upward. It’s not really painful but it’s uncomfortable. I have to take an Ativan to calm these jerks down or I get no relief from them. It took me a while to realize I was having these things happen because they would be so far apart from one another. I still have no idea what sets them off.

After the pain settles down some, then comes the nerve pain. I really hate this part because I have to take gabapentin to settle it down or my foot will burn and feel like it’s on fire. It really is uncomfortable. Sometimes it is so bad that I can’t have anything touch my foot, like the sheet or sock. It just makes the pain worse. I hate having to take the gabapentin because the next day I will get the hungry horrors. It’s like no matter what I eat, I am still hungry afterwards. It’s like I have a bottomless pit for a stomach. I have to be really careful because I don’t want to gain back the weight I lost when I was severely depressed. I am back to eating solid food again instead of just drinking Ensure. I have three packs of it left because I didn’t think my depression was going to get any better. But with the increase in my antidepressant, I am feeling better and my appetite is back.

Because of stupid pain, I can’t walk like I used to anymore. Some days I can walk a few blocks and be okay. Other days, those same few blocks seem like an obstacle course for me. It’s hard to gauge when I will be in severe or moderate pain and when I will be in little to no pain. I think the weather has some say in it. Rain or dramatic changes in temps will cause my pain to flare up. Like yesterday it was 92 degrees. Today it has been in the mid-50s for most of the day, an almost 40 degree difference. Ouch.

Stair climbing is another reason my foot/ankle will flare up. I try not to but sometimes my mother will go shopping and need help bringing the shopping up the stairs. Other times, I am up and down because I need to use the bathroom or eat. I don’t keep food in my room because I don’t want pests. I do have some pretzel bites in a sealed plastic baggie. That is only in emergencies when I am hungry but am in too much pain to go down stairs. I keep it on my nightstand.

Being in pain all the time, makes you tired. It’s exhausting both physically and mentally.