Category: Bipolar Disorder

Rambling Thoughts at 0200

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Rambling thoughts at 0200

I just got off the phone with a childhood friend. She is out in California so as usual, she forgets about the time difference. She is funny. I love her so much, but not in anyway other than friendship. We have been friends since the 6th grade.

For some reason, I just can’t sleep tonight, despite taking medication for sleep. I just took an Ativan so I am hoping to be asleep within the hour. I am very tired but restless. My brain keeps firing away with thoughts. I have a huge pile of stuff at the foot of my bed opposite where I sleep that I have to go through so I can change my sheets this weekend. I was going to change my sheets last weekend but my back went out on me. It’s feeling better now, a little bit. Least it was until I had a horrific sneeze that knocked it out again. I think that is part of the reason I am still awake. My back is aching and I just can’t seem to relax to sleep.

While I was talking with my friend, I talked about the death of my father. It brought up memories of that day. I told her it was a terrible thing to see a parent die like that, no matter what your relationship was with him. I told her I have PTSD and that I was in the hospital because I was semi-suicidal. She was concerned a little bit. It was the first time I told her the truth about my depression. I also told her that by the time she sees me in October, I will have my name changed officially and legally. I am really excited about this. I just hope there isn’t a waiting period to have my name changed.

I feel like I am in a holding pattern. I want to sleep but my thoughts are keeping me up. I just don’t know what to do with myself. I am trying to relax and empty my mind but that is easier said than done. Breathing exercises always make me dizzy. I am so sleepy that I feel sick to my stomach. I feel like I should do something, like write up the story that I have but I am afraid if I do, I really won’t sleep tonight because I will be filled with memories and it’s wicked late.

Earlier tonight, I was on an app called Reddit. I have no idea what it is or what it does. I responded to a few things and then on the 3rd or 4th thing I was commenting on, the thing timed me out, saying I did too much and you have 7 minutes to reply again. WTH. So I wait the 7 minutes, finished typing my comment, posted it, and then I got out of the app. Stupid thing. I still have no idea what the hell the thing is for or what it is about. If someone that is reading this knows, please enlighten me!

Today is my Uncle Sam’s birthday. He passed away almost ten years ago. I miss him every day. He was a great man. I don’t know if he would have accepted me for who I am but I know that he loved me. If my father is in heaven, I am sure that he is arguing with him right now over something stupid. And my uncle is saying “for crying out loud” and for “christ’s sake”. Those were his famous sayings when he was frazzled.

I hope I get some sleep tonight. It’s going to be a long day if I don’t. I really want to go back to Starbucks later today to try the new Cold Brew coffee they have with vanilla sweet cream. It sounds tasty. I think I can get it free with my Stars reward so I don’t have to pay for it. Then I can read or write. I finally got my new psych book that I want to read to refresh my memory on things. It also has stuff on the DSM V. I am so out of date that I still have books with the DSM III-R. A lot has changed with the DSM. Some things are the same, but I have to relearn everything again. I haven’t bought the DSM V because it’s kind of expensive and I don’t really need it. If I ever become a clinician, I am sure there will be another version of it out.

Speaking of books, I was thinking of getting the Associated Press Stylebook for my editing purposes. It will cost me around $35 for the latest version. I was talking with my writing friend and she says it a good book to have so when I get paid next, it will be the first thing I buy. I am not close to editing my book but it will be nice to read over. I might be able to improve my writing style. I have bought a writing reference book. It’s buried in the pile of shit that is on my bed that I need to clear off to change my sheets. I have at least three books buried there. Every time I clear it, I tell myself not to accumulate stuff again, but I do. It’s gradual and doesn’t happen over night. I will clear it off and get this book. I want to read the section that deals with punctuation, like semi-colons and stuff. I don’t use them because technically, I don’t know if I am using them correctly or not or know really when to use them. I also would like to know how to use the dash. I have seen people use them and it makes me jealous because I don’t know when to use them. I am just a novice writer.

Purpose

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Purpose

Everyone needs a purpose in life. It is what drives us. But sometimes when we are very depressed and feeling worthless, our purpose might not be so clear cut. We often think while depressed, that people will be better off without us, that we don’t matter. This may lead us to become suicidal. And then our true purpose is lost to us. All we think about is death because we have no purpose to go on living. It’s especially precarious after we lost the ones we love due to illness, divorce or if we lost our job. What does it mean to go on after so much loss?

In therapy, therapists often try to give us a life worth living. But what does that mean if we have no purpose for being? It often hurts too much to go on living. Sometimes there are protective factors that keep us here, like family, friends, or children we love and wouldn’t want to hurt with our death. It’s difficult to balance this when you feel so damn low and want to end the pain so badly. It tears at you night and day to go on living in this pain.

My sense of purpose is construed. Others can see that I have one but most times, I don’t see it in myself. It’s hard going on without something to keep me going. I often wonder why I am here. I should be dead three times over, yet I still exist. I am tired of just existing. There is so much I want to do yet I am hindered due to my disabilities. I am often frustrated and suicidal, not a good combo. My depressions are severe and debilitating. My chronic physical pain is as well. I can’t work anymore. I don’t have any friends that are close by that I talk to on a regular basis. I have my online friends, without whom, I think I would feel totally alone, trapped in my room. My therapist and psychiatrist think I am a writer. But since my father’s illness and subsequent death, I have not written much. I had this blog to keep me going, as a challenge to myself to write something every day. Sometimes, I would write two to three times a day. But it’s hard work. Some days it is easier to write than others.

My blog gives me a purpose you can say. I write and get feedback. Most times I don’t but I know the readership is there because I am a stats freak. I watch my numbers go up every day. Sometimes it’s the same blog that gets read several times, and that is ok. My purpose has been fulfilled if it helps someone to understand what it is like living with chronic depression, suicidality, and physical pain.

something about grief and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Something about grief and other things

I have been trying to write for the past three hours and I am failing. I am so overwhelmed with grief that I don’t know what to say. I had therapy today. It went okay. We talked about how Thursdays are tough for me because I had a routine. Now I don’t have it anymore and I don’t know what to do with myself. It’s like I lost something and I can’t get it back. I have been feeling numb the past few hours because I just don’t know what to say. My mind is kind of blank.

My back is a little better today. I was able to stand up straight for the first time in the last five days. It still hurts but I am moving around better because the temps have leveled off. It was starting to get me depressed because I couldn’t move. I have been resting for most of the day. It has helped.

Yesterday, I got an update message on my phone. It needs to update the system software. The last time I allowed it to happen, it wiped out my music playlists. I just got some of them back to where I had them before they were wiped out. I don’t want to recreate them because it’s a pain in the ass. The artist only playlists are easy to restore but the others are a little more tricky. I have to go into the individual artists albums to pick the songs I like and then add them to the playlist. It just takes a lot of time and patience because if you accidently play the song, you have to start all over again.

I am almost done reading “Risk Management with Suicidal Patients”. I have a chapter and a half to read. I don’t know if it is going to be tonight that I will finish it. I am pretty wiped out from all the pain meds I took today for my back pain. I have been taking them consistently every 4-5 hours to deal with the pain. I think that is the other reason I am having trouble writing today. My cognition just isn’t there.

I was talking to a friend today about emotional pain. She can be a little self-righteous and that pisses me off. I usually don’t respond to her texts when she gets that way. Then today she called my therapist a “transgender” therapist and I really got angry for some reason. My therapist isn’t a specialized therapist but I felt that if I set her straight, I was just going to say something I shouldn’t so I just let it go. She started off the conversation with asking about Hyde. I don’t know if I should continue to talk to her. Sometimes she just doesn’t make sense.

I think tomorrow I am going to type up what I wrote in the hospital. I really don’t want it to be all on paper because if I continue to write and finish the story, the harder it’s going to be to type it up anyways. This is all if I am feeling up to it. My therapist says it will be good to talk about it and write it. She asked how much more I have to write and I told her I am in just in the first hour of him being home. I haven’t written about the part where he hears his stupid clock. What I can’t remember is what time the hospice nurse left. It was like she left, my sister came back to the apartment with diapers and food, we ate, and then he died. I don’t know why this detail is important to me. Maybe I feel like if she was there he wouldn’t have died? Or maybe she would have been there and then we would have had a more concrete time of death. These are the things that I keep going over and over in my head.

Monday I will be getting the stuff I ordered from Amazon. It seems like I ordered them weeks ago and now they are finally being shipped. I bought a food processor because there is this cranberry relish I want to make. Of all the gadgets my mother has in the kitchen, she doesn’t own a food processor. I need to get a new can opener because the one she has sucks really bad. We had a good one but it broke. I loved it because it was the first electric can opener I could use without fail. Now we have a cheap one and I can’t get it to work at all. I am also going to get a hand one just as a back up.

Can’t Stand Being in Pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Can’t stand being in pain

I went downstairs for a little snack and nearly fell when I pivoted on my “good” foot. That nearly threw my back out on me, which was already killing me. I still cannot stand up straight without severe pain and spasms. I have been trying to rest but it hasn’t been easy. I have a pillow that is made for sitting on the bed to read and it is helping to straighten out my back some so I can read a little more comfortably. I read another chapter in the “Risk management with suicidal patients”. I have a chapter and a half left and then I will be done. I am proud that I finally finished a book. Next will be Harry Potter.

I got a signed copy of Neil Gaiman’s latest book today called “the view from the cheap seats”. It was bigger than I thought it was. It is giving me ideas on how I should proceed on my book, if I ever get back to it.

All my nerves are angry with me right now and I don’t like it. I took plenty of pain pills tonight so ease my discomfort. I might have to take a stronger one to ease things. Tomorrow I am not doing shit. I am only leaving my bed to use the bathroom and eat something. I think I will just have Ensure as I am not going to be doing much and I don’t want to be loaded with calories. My therapist won’t be pleased but I really need to watch my weight. I have been creeping up since I left the hospital, which hasn’t helped my back any.

It’s really bothering me that this pain has been going on for days now. I thought I was getting better but then I got up to get a snack and I am hurting again. That is when I took an extra pain pill. Now I have pain going down my leg and my crotch is on fire. Damn nerve pain. I don’t usually get pain there except when my back pain is really bad. I know I will be fine tomorrow. I just did too much today with getting the book in Harvard Sq. It was quite a trek for someone who has a bad back. I was tempted to take a cab home but I didn’t because I didn’t have enough money on me. And it would have cost me at least $20 to get home. The price of a cab has gone up. It used to be $15, plus tip.

I have therapy tomorrow. I am glad I can have it in the comfort of my room. I sometimes like having phone sessions but sometimes I want to meet in person. I try to see her at least once a month with the zipcar. I really like driving out to see her, when I am well. I would have seen her today had my back been ok. Damn weather is screwing me over. I hate being in this much pain. It’s awful. I just want to cry, but I know it’s not going to help. I just feel so useless. I can’t walk, I can’t stand, I can’t sit for too long. It sucks.

This morning I tried to do some PT exercises but I was in too much pain. Any movement of my pelvis caused me severe pain. And that is where most of my pain is. My lower back. I can’t even rub it out because it’s so sore. The weather really needs to be stable so the “switch” can go back off and I won’t be in so much pain. I hate these flare ups. I am trying not to get me down, but it’s hard because I can hardly move or do anything that I used to enjoy. I can’t walk that far. Just walking to the bus stop today nearly killed me, and that is only a block and half from my house. I have become such an invalid. Today I saw an older gentleman on a scooter and thought, that would be perfect for me. I am 40 years old and I am thinking of getting around in a scooter because of pain. How fucking sad is that.