Category: Bipolar Disorder

feeling blah and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Feeling blah and other things

I woke up early this morning in pain so I took some pain meds. It was supposed to rain but never did. Something is in the works though because my lower back and ankle says there is. I woke up later in the morning and started my day. I really just wanted to stay at home but I needed to do my father’s meds and go to the post office. By the time I was done checking out the American Association of Suicidology annual conference tweets, it was time for me to go. Marsha Linehan was again a speaker at the conference and one of the messages she said was that hospitals do not help suicide prevention at all. There is ZERO data to support going to a hospital.

Now with this data, I am not going to go into the hospital ever again. It really doesn’t help to be there because you get no treatment. You get admitted and the next thing you know you are discharged. Last time I had to fight to stay in the hospital. They wanted to discharge me but I kept telling them I was going to kill myself if they did. I put them in a “bind”. I didn’t care. I just knew I didn’t want to leave until I had my stay or something was done to make me feel better. The result was weight gain and feeling better because the Remeron worked. I wanted to give the medicine time to work, something they don’t do anymore. You are in and they want you out just as fast. They don’t care what brought you into the hospital. They just want to know if you are suicidal and going to kill yourself when you get out or on the unit. You say no, they discharge you. You say yes, you stay. After three days, you still have your thoughts but not going to act, you’re out. That’s what it comes down to.

So now that I know there is zero data to support an admission, why should I waste my time on the unit. Sure it will give me a temporary break from dealing with my family but the hassles of medication and packing and the like is just too much for me right now. I am feeling too blah to even get dressed and go out. After my father’s, I was so tired I just wanted to go home and snuggle with my pillow. But I had to go to the post office. As a reward, I told myself if I went, I would get a sub. So that was my incentive. I hadn’t eaten anything all day so this was going to be it. I wanted to make a black bean burger before I left the house but I didn’t have time. So a pastrami sub was my ticket to doing my errand at the post office. It was good and I ate the whole thing, much to my surprise. I think my appetite is coming back, even though I still feel moody and blahish. I still have thoughts of wanting to die. Those never seem to go away.

I texted my therapist a sad face that she didn’t call me. I also showed her a side by side pic of myself from a few months ago to yesterday showing I lost weight. I haven’t seen her in a couple months so I thought I would send her pics.

Today was really cool that my friends at the AAS conference tweeted me that David Jobes won the Marsha Linehan award. I love Jobes and write about his work frequently. His work helped to keep me here and gives me hope that I can survive my suicidal impulses even though the data says that I should be dead.

two accomplishments

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Two accomplishments

I got my haircut and took a shower afterwards. Then I slept for most of the afternoon. I woke up hungry so I made a black bean burger. I really like them but the spice kills my taste buds for a little while. It’s so hot. I haven’t had an Ensure all day so that is good. For breakfast I had a Danish. I wanted to make coffee but I just didn’t have the energy for it.

My new slippers came. They are a little tight on me but fit and are comfortable. I ordered PJs last night. This is in case I need to go in the hospital, I will at least have comfy sleepwear. My ankle has been bothering me all day. I don’t know why as I haven’t done anything other than walk to the barber shop. I was supposed to go to the post office to mail some stuff but that didn’t happen either. My funds are swindling with all these purchases.

Last night I felt suicidal again. I texted my therapist. I didn’t want to bother my psychiatrist. I knew the feeling would pass and it did. Night time is a rough time for me lately, it always has been. My heart just becomes heavier and it drives me crazy because there is nothing I can do about it. I watched a couple episodes of Friends to distract me but it only worked for a little bit. I wish I still had my game. I really miss it. There are other games that are similar to the game that I played but it’s not as easy to maneuver nor is it fun or challenging.

I am supposed to have a check in with my therapist sometime today. It hasn’t happened yet, but then she is back to back so I am sure it’s only a matter of her getting a chance to call. I don’t have a session with her until Tuesday. I have been thinking of writing her a letter to give her an update. I just don’t know what to say in the letter. I think I am going to handwrite it and then try and read it to her Tuesday.

My mother made home made pork fried rice. It was the best rice she has made in a long time. It didn’t come out wicked salty. I think I am done with eating for today. Today has been the first day in a long time that I ate more than one thing in a 24hr period. I hope this continues.

I still feel in the dumps. I still have thoughts of ending my life. Things don’t look so good right now. I am worried that I might have to go back to the hospital and just get frustrated because I won’t be getting care that I need. Course, what that care is, I have no idea. It doesn’t exist in the hospital anymore. It used to. Not anymore. Now it’s more like 15 minutes of “treatment” with your treatment team and that is all. Most of it is dependent on nursing care staff.

Psych Appointment

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I met with my psychiatrist today. We talked about all that has been happening since I last saw her. I had a smile on my face but she wasn’t fooled by the mask. I told her I had no appetite and lost weight. She was a little concerned. She is more concerned about the episode that happened on Sunday. She wants me to call her the next time it happens. She wanted to go up on the Zoloft but I told her I didn’t. I want to see if it will work at 50 mg before I increase it. It’s only been a week and a day since the increase. Got to give it some time to work, even though I want it to work instantly. I just wish the hopelessness would abate for a little while.

I got my letter from my doc about disability. Now I just got to mail it. I will do it tomorrow. There are a few books I got to send out to a couple potential reviewers. I never thought I would be giving away my book for free but I am. Unfortunately, I still haven’t had one review back from the free give aways.

I have been in a depressed mood for most of the day. I told my psych I wanted to jump off a bridge. If the Tobin was more accessible to me, I think it might be a possibility. But I am afraid of heights so I don’t see that happening. When I told my psych about staring at a bottle of pills I am grateful she didn’t ask which one. She knows I have enough medication to kill a horse. And she knows my knowledge of medication.

I texted my therapist to see if I could see her tomorrow or at least have a check in and she is back to back. But she will try to call me. I hope there is a cancellation. I think it’s good to keep her in the loop too. My psych also said today that she appreciates the little emails I send her about how I am doing.

I haven’t had any food today. I had an Ensure and a soy latte that I didn’t even finish. I just couldn’t drink the last four ounces or so. My psych wants me to eat but it’s not so simple as that. I am getting hungry but I don’t know what to eat. It’s a toss up between a black bean burger and tuna sandwich. I am leaning toward the tuna sandwich because it’s more filling.

My ankle gave way the last block on the way home. It just didn’t want to flex as I took each step. I have it up and took a pain pill. Now I got to go down the stairs and it isn’t going to be happy. I have pretzels in my room but I don’t feel like eating them. I should have bought a protein bar when I was at Walgreens today.