Category: Bipolar Disorder

The Loss of a Legend

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

The Loss of a Legend

I was first introduced to David Bowie when I was a young kiddo. I think it was the movie Labyrinth. He scared me in this movie so I never much cared for the guy. It wasn’t until I was older and heard his music did I really start to like him. Even now I can’t get the song “dancing with myself” out of my head. It is one of my favorites of his. I am saddened by his loss. I plan on getting the Labyrinth to watch as an adult so I am not so scared. I am not one for scary movies and I know this movie is not scary but sometimes things leave an impression on you.

I have my MRI today. I am really nervous and still trying to keep hydrated so I hope they can find a suitable vein for the contrast dye. They need this to distinguish between old and new injury as I had surgery on my back. My pain has been off and on so I am hoping that it’s not something serious. I had a few days of no pain and I was thankful for it, even though my ankle was a bitch. I have to have some kind of pain every day. It’s just the way it is these days.

I am listening to Adele. I don’t know why. Her latest CD is nothing to write home about. There are a few songs I like but don’t ask me to tell you the names. I really just know it by the beats. I feel like I am betraying Eric Church by listening to something else. I might go back to his music sometime today. I plan on leaving my house around 1515 to catch the bus to the Square. I will have something to eat and then leave to go to the hospital to have the MRI. It’s really cold today as the windchill is bringing the temp down by at least 10 degrees. The house is cold and I have had to put socks on my feet to keep them warm. They were starting to feel frostbitten. Stupid nerve damage. Soon as my feet get a chill, they become really cold and fast.

I really want to talk to my therapist today but I don’t think I will be able to. I have been texting her but that isn’t the same thing. She doesn’t know about the voices telling me to do things. I have kept that from her because she always gets nervous when I become psychotic. I think the anxiety about me being psychotic is worse than when I am suicidal. I was having a conversation with the voices last night. It wasn’t bad but they were annoyed so I was annoyed. I wasn’t giving in to their demands so it frustrated them. I am surprised that I am handling this so well and that I am not really freaked out. These voices aren’t my regular voices. I haven’t taken anything extra to deal with them. I probably should but I know they will go away once I have the MRI and I know the outcome of it. My stress level is dependent on the voices. Some people have anxiety, I hear voices. They keep wanting me to take more drugs than I should be taking. So I just haven’t been taking anything because I don’t know if I can trust my impulses. If I plan on taking one pill, they want me to take three. It’s the nature of the beast. Least they aren’t telling me to take a bottle of pills anymore. I was a afraid to take anything for fear of emptying the bottle in my stomach. I think that is why I didn’t fill my pill box for that week. I was too afraid to take any pills.

Despite having coffee and a light breakfast, I am wicked tired. I wish I could take a nap but I know if I do, I will feel like shit later in the day. I would read something but I am afraid that it will make me even more drowsy. I have nothing to do until 1500. I tried writing in my journal but there is only so much to write when you feel sleepy and want to crawl back under the covers.

Anniversaries of sorts

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I have been up early and just took a shower after debating it all morning. I feel fresh and clean. I also don’t feel like a scrub. I have been going to the bathroom all morning so I needed to shower to feel like a human again. I don’t know why I went so much. I haven’t had any stimulants like coffee to make me go. I hope I don’t go anymore. The pain is unreal.

I’m listening to Linkin Park. I love their music. It really helps when I am in a sucky mood. I emailed my psychiatrist late last night to tell her how I am doing. I told her about the voices telling me to do stuff. I was expecting a response but haven’t gotten one yet. I know it’s the stress of the MRI that is making the voices act up. Once I pass this stress and find out that I am okay or not, the voices should simmer down. Least I hope they will.

I have a party to go to at 1400. I really just want to go back to sleep. I am not up to seeing family members and socializing. I don’t really have to get dressed as I just have to go to my sister’s apartment on the first floor. Maybe I will empty my recycle bin and make an appearance and then leave. I am glad my father is not going to be there. One less stress to deal with. I came from my sister’s, who asked me to throw something in the recycle bin. I just had my slippers on and it was very wet on the porch as it’s a stormy, rainy day. I guess I will wait to empty my bin for another day. My slippers were almost soaked and are now drying on a radiator.

Today is my therapist and I’s anniversary. We have been together 15 years. I will definitely bring it up when we have our session Tuesday. I can’t believe that we have been together so long. We have been through some very difficult times, numerous suicidal episodes, and a few joyous moments. She always believed in me when I didn’t believe in myself. She still does. I trust her more than anyone in the world, aside from my psychiatrist.

Course, with this anniversary means that next month will mark the 15th anniversary of me getting CES for the first time. I hope I don’t have it for the third time in my life. I really won’t be able to deal with it. It’s just traumatizing to go through the surgery, stay in the hospital, and then go through rehab. I just won’t be able to take it another time. The 2nd time I got it, I was numb to it. I was so distanced from it that I had a delusional/dissociative episode while in the hospital. I wasn’t emptying my bladder so while they were catheterizing me, I was completely out of it before passing out. I really don’t want to go through this a third time, especially if this means a fusion. I will be cooped up in the house if we get bad snow storms. That will just hinder my progress.

I am so scared of the results of my MRI that I will be having tomorrow. I have been drinking a lot of fluid today and will continue to drink until I have my scan. I think the drinking has helped my cold as I don’t feel as congested.

My thigh is hurting me. I really don’t want to do anything today. I am glad I don’t have to go out as it’s just gross out. But I rather have rain than snow any day.

Diamonds are Missing

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Diamonds are missing

My mother made a disgusting shrimp dish. She left the shells of the shrimp on so you had to peel it off to eat the darn things. It was way too salty for my taste so I only had a few pieces. Then I started to feel like I was having an allergic reaction so I took some benedryl, 50 mg.

I was tired anyways and soon as I reached my bed, I started to doze off. I had this dream that I was on base at Stargate. I was sleepy in my dream and my fellow officers, including the staff doctor, was concerned about how much I took. I said I think It was two 25 mg pills but they might have been 50 mg pills. I don’t remember as I was so groggy. To be sure how much I had taken, MPs were sent to my house where they found it in disarray. Trash was every where and things were moved. They concluded I had a break in and I had to go to my home. Sure enough, my messy home was too messy for me. I didn’t think anything was taken as I had nothing of real value until I sort of woke up and saw my fake mantle moved and realized my diamonds were missing. It really stunk because I was laying down on my couch with my furry friends laying on top of me as I slept and I didn’t want to disturb them. But I got up and filed a police report for the missing diamonds. The officer was a jerk and set me out to be the bad guy, like I had stolen the diamonds just to bother him. I told him all my paperwork and stuff was in the safe. It had been broken in to, too. The photos of the diamonds were taken as well as the appraisal. I was screwed. The officer was grilling me as if I was some diamond thief and then I woke up.

What’s weird about this dream is that I don’t care much about stones or jewelry. I had no idea what I would be doing will a million dollars worth of diamonds or whatever they amounted to. It never was apparent in the dream. It was great to dream about Janet (staff doctor) and Sam (fellow officer) again. I miss Stargate a whole bunch. It was a good show until they killed off the Goa’ulds and then created a new enemy, the Ori. I didn’t watch it much then because Richard Dean Anderson wasn’t playing a role. He had stepped back to be with his family. He made the show funny. When he was replaced, the show just sucked and it went downhill from then on. Then they took away General Hammond and the show really stunk. I started buying the seasons but stopped when Janet got killed in action. It was a terrible way for her to die as she had been with the show since the first season and I don’t think they did her justice by killing her the way they did.

The benedryl helped my cold a little bit. I still haven’t had too many fluids today. I never had my cups of tea that I wanted. I was just really sleepy and it’s hard to drink stuff when you are sleeping. I did manage about two and half bottles of water so that is something. I will have to try harder tomorrow. Maybe this cold will go away too. I just took my night time meds. I hope I am not up half the night because I had this nap. I am no longer feeling sleepy but my thigh is bothering me and so is my ankle. I haven’t taken any pain pills in about 24 hours. The last time I took them was around 5 this morning and that was some time ago.

I knew I should have ordered pizza for dinner. We are having a party for my mother tomorrow so I hope there is pizza there. If not, I will get it for dinner. I have been craving the pizza for so long. I hope it will be good. Nothing is worse than craving something and then it being terrible. I still haven’t showered yet. I feel so gross. But I can’t seem to muster the energy to shower. I really don’t have the energy. I know I will probably feel better if I do, but I just can’t bring myself to do it. It’s so tough when you have this depression that saps your energy. I will have to shower if I plan on going to this party. I really don’t feel like attending but it’s my mother and I have to show some respect. I am just glad my father won’t be there. I won’t have to deal with his antics.

Saturday Blog 41

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 41

My day started out the same as yesterday. I woke up around 0500 and was in pain. I took some pain meds and had some breakfast. I then went back to sleep. I really wanted to have pizza for lunch but my mother didn’t want a birthday sub for lunch so I nixed it. I had biscuits and gravy instead.

I really need to take a shower as I am hot and sweaty despite it being cold in the house. I think I am getting the cold sweats from this stupid cold that I have. Maybe it’s a sign that it’s leaving me. When my mother came home, I went to cash in my birthday scratch tickets and bought my powerball tickets. It’s up to an estimated $900 million right now. It would be so sweet to get at least $100,000 of that. I’m not greedy, I just would like what I can live off of.

So far I have been doing good for my hydrating. I already had a bottle of water. I plan on moving on to a powerade next and some tea. It’s so hard remembering to drink fluids when you are not used to it. My lips are badly chapped. They always become so during the winter months. No matter how much I use lip balm, I can never get them moisturized enough. I must have tried several different kinds but they are all the same. Soon as it wears off, your lips are chapped again.

I went back to the “American Gods”. I really want to find out what happens to the main character of the book. I have less than 100 pages to read. I should finish it in a few days time and then I can cross it off my list of books read. I really want to try and read 20 books this year. It will be a challenge with my depression and all but I think I can do it.

My order from Amazon has been split up, again. I will be getting the book sometime today and then my pens on Monday. I hate when they split it up. They also charge separately as well. I don’t think I am going to order from them as much anymore. It’s getting to be expensive and I don’t need half the stuff I buy. I still haven’t received the Cognitive Therapy book I ordered. It won’t be coming at least until next week.

I should have made coffee this morning. It’s too late now for it. So I will make a cup of tea. I like drinking English Teatime by Bigelow. It’s one of my favorite teas. I find that if I drink several cups it has the same amount of caffeine as a cup of coffee.

I have been in a slump most of the day. I went out to get my lottery tickets and now I am just so tired, like I did something strenuous. I hate when I feel like crap after an activity. I just want to shower and take a nap. My ankle is starting to act up so there goes the shower I wanted to take. Think I will just take my pain meds and go to sleep. It’s the only thing I have been doing lately anyways. I have no motivation to do anything else.