Category: Bipolar Disorder

Random 321

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

I have been sleeping most of the day. I just feel so tired after I took just two of my pain pills and a baclofen. My foot/ankle have been doing this reflex thing that is so painful. I woke up with my ankle screaming at me and decided the hell with it, I will sleep all day if I have to. Of course, my mother decided she was going to call me every few hours to disrupt my sleep. She doesn’t understand that when someone is sleeping they don’t want to answer the phone.

I just took my night meds and was shocked to find that today isn’t Saturday like I thought it was. I am glad I noticed that or this would have been a Saturday blog on a Friday. I didn’t go out today, though I wanted to. I really have to go out tomorrow and get my powerball tickets. I think the only reason there hasn’t been a jackpot winner is because I haven’t played. I will get two quick picks and hope for the best. I had a dream I was at work, in the lab, and I found out I won the 700 million dollars. I just went about my business, collecting tubes that have been logged in and putting them away or where they needed to go next. I miss working in the lab. It gave me something to do.

I am feeling a little bit better as far as my depression/suicidal feelings go. They come and go like the wind but sometimes stay around to cause a big storm. I think that is why I was so sleepy today. It just takes a lot out of you to deal with such strong emotions.

A blogger friend and my Twitter friends have been posting their dislike of Amazon’s new T-shirts that are for suicide like it’s a joke. I am also against it though I haven’t voiced my opinion on the matter. One shirt has a guy that is about to hang himself and another guy sitting down eating popcorn. The shirt is themed “Suicide Watch”. It totally is NOT funny and only further stigmatizes the struggle of suicide. No wonder people don’t take it seriously when they have these jackasses portraying it as a joke. The other shirt that they have is “got suicide”? I don’t find it funny at all.

My ex is trying to get in touch with me again. She created a new Facebook account just so she could message me. I haven’t read the message. We are always on and off again but she lives 90 miles away from me so I don’t really have to worry about her. The thing is, she is married and has a disabled child. She has her own issues and I just can’t deal because she doesn’t take care of herself. I can go on about it but I won’t because it is just too personal. Despite all this, we still love each other and we have this weird connection. Like we can go for years without talking and then pick up the phone and just start talking like there was no time elapse. We were penpals before we became lovers. But it’s difficult to be friends when we have such strong emotions for one another.

I still got this cold though I think I am getting better. I am not sneezing as much as I have been. I also need to try and drink as much fluid as possible over the next few days to pump up my veins. It will really suck if they can’t get a vein on Monday for the contrast. It will make the whole MRI useless.

Feeling Weird

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Feeling Weird

I just finished a chapter in “American Gods” by Neil Gaiman. This book just gets weirder and weirder as it goes along. But I am feeling weird. I am dizzy and lightheaded, even though I am sitting down. I feel like the voices are getting stronger and louder. I am becoming unnerved, like everything is bothering me and I don’t know what that everything is.

I am really tired and I know I should get some sleep. Maybe I am entering a dissociative state. I really want to die. The voices want me to die. They keep telling me to take this or that bottle of pills. I am in a lot of pain. And now my pinky toe on my good foot is hurting me for some reason. I don’t know why. I didn’t bang it recently or anything. I am so pissed off that I have another ache to deal with. I nearly choked on one of my pills tonight. It wouldn’t go down and I couldn’t cough it up. I was scared. But then I drank some more powerade and it went down, thankfully. I seriously need to cut this pill in half or something. I will ask the pharmacist if I can do this.

I am starting to feel dangerous. But not out of the control dangerous. This cold that I have is making me crazy because I can’t breathe through my nose. One side of my nostrils get clogged up and then it will clear and then the other side will get clogged up. It’s a repeating pattern that has been going on for several days now. I keep blowing out clear stuff so I know I don’t have an infection. My sister thinks it’s dust bunnies that are making me sick. If that were the case, I would be dead as I still haven’t cleaned my ceiling fan. Voices are after me to clean it, too. I just am lazy to clean it. It won’t take that long. But I feel that I can’t stand too long to do it and will have pain afterwards.

I want to text my therapist that I am not doing ok. I might send this blog to my psychiatrist so she knows I am not doing okay. I just don’t want to go into the hospital. They will just drug me up there and I don’t want to be drugged up. I rather be drugged up at home. Plus they will fuck up my medication and I will be taking twice the number of pills that I am currently taking. NO way, Jose. I am not going to sit at the nurses station/med counter with 30 pills to take because they don’t have the doses I currently take. Fuck that. And it won’t do no good anyway. They don’t understand about psychosis and stress, the hospital not my treatment team. I just want to be left alone, maybe have a few check ins with my pdoc and then be ok. I know this will settle down once I get the MRI report. That is what is stressing me out big time. It is no fun having surgery or the possibility of surgery hanging over your head.

I had spasms again today in my bad foot. It is driving me crazy because I am getting them 304 times a week now. I don’t know what to do about it other than to take an Ativan for it. It’s the only think that settles it down. And then I am toast for the day. It hurts to walk afterwards as I am so sore from the contractions. I really don’t want to live anymore. I am so done with this crap. I thought I was going to be fine this New year and not have suicidal thoughts. I was wrong. I want to be dead more now than ever. Maybe I should take a swim in the Charles River. I can go after my appointment for the MRI. I am right there.

Meds are kicking in as well as the Nyquil for this cold. Still can’t breathe but maybe if I lie down, it will clear up…

Pearl Jam, Coffee, and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

I woke up early and I haven’t been able to get back to sleep. So I made coffee. When I was done with my coffee, I had breakfast. I have been fighting a headache for the past half hour. I thought it was because I haven’t had lunch yet so I just made a cheeseburger. I am hoping that helps the headache.

I have been in a writing mood but nothing is coming to me. All I keep thinking about are owls and I don’t know what that means. I have been listening to Pearl Jam to drown out the voices in my head. They are just getting louder rather than softer. Having to deal with my father today hasn’t helped. I still got to call him back.

I don’t know why I am hearing voices. I know I am a little stressed out about some things that I can’t discuss on my blog. I have been writing in my journal but the voices are intrusive and want to know what I am writing all the time. It’s cold in my room and I don’t know if that has something to do with it. Just seems I am more vulnerable and I don’t know why. My psychiatrist cancelled our appointment for tomorrow so I have nothing to do. I might go to Starbucks, if I feel like it. I haven’t been feeling like doing much lately. I wanted to clean my ceiling fan today but said I would do it later and later hasn’t come yet. I am still feeling sick. My nose is still clogged up. I have been using Afrin as a decongestant but you can only use it for three days and I am approaching my third day. I know not sleeping isn’t helping this cold.

It’s a bit warmer outside than it is in my room. The heat system doesn’t work very well unless you turn the heat on 90. Then my room gets hot. So in the meantime, I got to wear layers. My feet are constantly cold now and I don’t know why. They feel frostbitten and I have them covered whenever I go downstairs. We have ceramic tile, which is always cold in the winter. This morning while drinking my coffee, I read “Explorations in Personality”. I wanted to get to page 100 but I bailed out at page 85. There was so much information that I needed a dictionary for some of the terms they were using so it was distracting me. I am still wondering where Shneidman got the list of 20 needs when the needs I read were not the same ones. That’s the only reason why I am reading this book. I always like to read first source information. I hope it’s later in the book.

I need to read “American Gods” later tonight. I haven’t touched that book in more than a week. I am charging the tablet as we speak. I have this book on Kindle. I am glad because I don’t think I can fit any more books in my room. It’s starting to become a library. I have bought so many books over the past several months and have no place to put them. One of these days I will clear my desk off and put them there so they are not on the floor.

I’m having a hard time focusing my eyes today for some reason. It’s probably because I am so damn tired. I wish I could nap but I am not sleepy. I hope I am not getting another migraine. That will suck. I had one the other day and it was not pleasant. Starting tomorrow, I got to try and increase my fluids. I figure if I drink at least 64 ounces of fluid for the next few days I should be hydrated enough for the tech to get vein for the contrast. I will be a peeing like crazy but I need to get my veins pumped up. I am really nervous about the MRI. I will need to take an Ativan and a pain pill because I can’t stand laying flat on my back for more than 45 minutes. The MRI tables are just not comfy. I also need to bring a face cloth as I am a little claustrophobic. Last time they didn’t have one and it was tough. I had to keep my eyes shut the whole time.

Just in a Bitchy Mood

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Just in a Bitchy Mood

I woke up early in the morning, like 0230 early. I was not happy. I only slept a few hours at that point. Then I go back to sleep about an hour later after I took some more Nyquil and Neurontin. I woke up around 1045 and I was hungover, most likely because of the Neurontin. All I wanted to do was sleep but I had my therapy appointment and I couldn’t blow it off. I got a call from my psychiatrist’s office. She had to reschedule my appointment for Friday. I don’t know why she didn’t call or email me. Now I am worried. I hope she didn’t have a setback. My only other explanation is the red tape the hospital has on coming back to work after being out for a while.

Because my sleep has been all fucked up, my tolerance has been extremely low. I was at Starbucks and the damn sun, which was reflecting off the building across the street, annoyed the crap out of me. It was just too damn bright. I wish the sun came with a dimmer switch sometimes. Then there was a girl that was talking silly to a boy in front of her. It just annoyed me. I just wanted her to shut up so I could listen to my music on my headphones. I really need to get noise cancelling headphones. I had a pair but they broke. I know Bose makes a pair of headsets that are noise cancelling but they are wicked expensive for my budget.

I had therapy today and we talked about things. I found out that she loves me sincerely but it’s not the kind of love like in a sexual relationship, which relieved my anxiety. I still don’t know why she loves me as I think I am unlovable. I asked her if she thought I was special and she goes into a tirade about stuff and I am like does that mean yes or no? She finally answered yes and then went on to explain that she doesn’t know where these questions come from. She still blames it on the trauma that I have been through. She brought up again the reason I don’t accept good feelings or reject good intentions is because of the complex PTSD that I have. I asked her if I have borderline traits and she said that I didn’t. I didn’t think that I did because I don’t have emotional dysregulation that borderline traits or borderline personality disorder have. I used to, but not anymore.

We also talked about my father and how narcissistic he is. I asked about narcissistic injury and she just didn’t explain it well. She basically told me to google it. I wanted to google it before writing this blog but I am not in the mood to google. I might do a separate blog about it. I also told her that I was nervous about the SSD review. I haven’t heard anything for a month now. And she hasn’t gotten any paperwork from them. Makes me think that my case is in limbo.

We talked briefly about my suicide thoughts. I told her I wanted to get some really lethal means and she was shocked about this. It was because of my crapping my pants last night that I have had enough of dealing with this. I haven’t told her about the voices telling me to do things. I’m hoping they will go away on their own. I just have a week until my MRI and then my stress level should level off. I haven’t been feeling paranoid or delusional. Just having voices talk to me all the time telling me to do things. And they are not my “normal voices”. If they were, then I wouldn’t be so worried. I hate hearing foreign voices. I know it’s because I am stressed. I have a lot on my mind. Having a fucked up sleep schedule is not helping either. Most of it has to do with having this stupid cold that I have. I wake up congested and not being able to breathe. It’s getting better but I am not quite well yet.

After therapy, I went to Starbucks. I used my cane because my leg has been bothering me. I am glad I did because on the way home, my thigh really started to hurt me. I haven’t done anything but walk, not too far though. I got my prescription from the pharmacy on the way home. One of them was stuck in limbo because of some computer glitch. My mother called to see where I was and when I told her, she said she wanted the paper. When I came home she said supper is what ever I want to make. I knew I should have ordered pizza and fries. Now I’ll probably have just a bowl of cereal.