Category: Bipolar Disorder

Exhausted and Hurting

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Exhausted and hurting

I did a lot today. I took a shower and made breakfast. Fell asleep and found it so hard to get up to go to my father’s. I decided I was going to get a haircut before seeing him. There was a wait. Great. So the hour and half that I told him I would be there took two hours. I had no idea if he was going to be mad or not. If he started calling me, I would know. I got to his house around 1330. He seemed to be in a good mood. I did his meds while he washed up and shaved. I was tired and just wanted to go home. Before I left, he gave me something for my brother in law.

There was a Dunkin across the street from my father’s apartment. I figured I get my donuts while waiting for the bus and train to go home. I got a dozen, 4 jelly, 4 chocolate, and 4 glazed. That was my lunch (not all the donuts, just 2!) when I got home. It didn’t take long but while I was walking down the street to my house, my ankle decided it wasn’t going to work anymore. I am in serious pain. Mail had come so I sorted it and then went up the stairs. My mother was calling me while I was sorting the mail. She wanted me to do an errand. HA, very funny. After all the running around I did today, forget it. I just wanted to go upstairs, take some medicine for my ankle, and then maybe nap. Only thing I forgot to do was mail something for my stupid, lousy prescription service. I will do that tomorrow as I need to go out anyways.

It was in the 70’s today, really warm for November. I hope this means we are going to have a mild winter. I don’t think I can stand being cooped up in the house for a month like I did last February.

I can’t believe how tired I am. I am also hungry too so those donuts might not last to tomorrow. I think I will make some eggs. Dinner won’t be for another hour or so. We will be having my niece over because my sister is going out with her friend. Called my mother to find out what is for supper and I am on my own. I really want pizza, but I know I am not going to eat the whole thing by myself. If I could walk to the Pizza place (just down the street), I would just get a couple of slices. Damn ankle is a brat though.

I haven’t had a chance to do anything but run around today. I haven’t written anything. I hope to do that tomorrow while I at Starbucks. I am very tempted to cancel my appointment with my pdoc. I really don’t want to go. I feel like emailing her and telling her that it’s only because I like her, I am seeing her tomorrow. I really don’t have much to tell her as I have been emailing her all week. I do need a refill so I guess I will go. I just hope I wake up around 0800 like I did today so the day isn’t so long. If I wake up before that time, I need a nap by 10.

Just found out Jane Seymour will be in the new James Bond movie. I love her. She has been my favorite since “Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman”. That was a really cool show, until the obvious racism was shown. I didn’t like it one bit, against the blacks nor the Indians. It’s a shame they were more willing to accept black people than they were the Indians. Just kills me inside how they were treated and I am sure it was worse back in the day than what was shown on television.

I got a call about my baby (laptop) and they will be shipping it out today. I probably will get it sometime next week as the FedEx number isn’t in the system yet. I will be shocked if it arrives tomorrow. I am going to miss using this laptop.

Quote of the Day 5 Nov 2015

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders, psychache, Quotes, suicide

If the pain were relieved then the individual would be willing to live. Nobody wants to embrace pain; we just want to get out of the way of the hooves that hurt us.–Edwin Shneidman, Suicide as Psychache

No Social Media Tonight

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, depression, mood disorders

No Social Media Tonight

I am recording the Country Music Awards, which I will watch tomorrow, I hope. So until then, I have to avoid twitter and facebook because everyone is talking about who won. I get text messages from twitter for my favorite DJ and had to put a stop to that. She was also tweeting all the winners.

After I had dinner, I had to take a nap for some reason. I was really tired and I am not sure why. I usually help my mother cook dinner when her back is acting up. I didn’t do much as things were almost done anyway. The most I did was put pasta in a pan to cook. I helped to clear some of the stuff away after we ate. I didn’t wash anything as I don’t do it “right”. I don’t know why my energy levels went to zero after doing this light activity. I was feeling tired anyways so maybe that is why. I never went to the store. I’ll probably go tomorrow while I am out.

I am having weird sensations in my arms. They feel like string beans. I haven’t felt like this in a long time. It’s uncomfortable but bearable, least for now. I need more sleep. Usually, I get these sensations if I am sleep deprived. I just took my night meds so I am waiting for them to kick in. Since taking double dose of my mood stabilizer, I have been feeling better. The depression is still rearing its ugly head but I am not feeling manicky.

I got a call from Dell today, giving me an update on my laptop. They are working on repairing it now and it should take a couple days to do so. I was hoping it was going to take less time, but as long as it is done right, I don’t care how long it takes. I think it should be shipped out to me sometime next week. I hope there are no problems with it after they fix it. The last time they fixed it, I had to return it to them because the fan was making a high pitched noise. It was driving me insane. Luckily, that was still under warranty at the time so I didn’t have to pay for it.

I just looked up when was the first time I started the “Quote of the Day”. It’s been almost a month. I am going to have to keep a notebook so there are no repeats. Shneidman likes to repeat himself. I have found the quote “there are many pointless deaths but no needless suicides” at least three times in the book, so far. I am re-reading it because it is an interesting book. The next session talks about how he was able to predict who would kill themselves and who wouldn’t in a study he was researching. I find that fascinating. If only we could apply it to the real world. I must have read this at least four times so I know what to expect. I think he writes a little bit of all this stuff in every book he wrote. Most of these books he wrote toward the end of his life so it’s not surprising there are repeated things. There are still some books that I want just so that I have his collection of works. But they are hard to find because they are no longer in print. I used to have a website that had out of print books but I don’t remember the name. I think it was in Canada. I found Murray’s classic “Explorations in Personality” in it. It was printed in 1938. I have not read it. I have this thing where I buy books and they collect dust. I say I am going to read it, and never do. I have three books so far that I bought three years ago that I still haven’t read. It was tough because the “Battle Cry for Freedom” took me so long to read that it kind of left me not want to ever read again. But I am making headway with “Dead Wake” and I am happy with that. I think because the chapters are short, I am able to get through the book.

I really want to go on Twitter. But I don’t want to see who won awards. And it’s a pain to mute everyone because then I have to unmute them tomorrow.

I really don’t want to see my father tomorrow. But I have no choice. Think I will reward myself with a roast beef sandwich and onion rings afterwards. I also need to try and get a haircut. This Friday I have to see my pdoc. I don’t want to see her either. I am kind of mad at her because she didn’t respond to any of my emails that I sent to her. Not one acknowledgement that she even received them. It pisses me off when I don’t hear back from her. It’s like I am sending the messages to cyberspace when I don’t hear back.

hindsight

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, depression, mood disorders

I decided not to go out to day. By the time I thought about it, I would have to rush to catch the bus and I didn’t feel like rushing. I might go to Walgreens later to get a card for my Godmother, whose birthday is next week. I also want to get the fricken snacks I have been craving. The last time I went to Walgreens, they were out of them.

I had therapy today and I shared my thoughts about this paper that I want to write. It’s something I started before we had our little disagreement. But now that I know that she isn’t going anywhere, I think I can go back to it. I might work on it today, while I figure out what to do with myself now that I am not going to the Square. Tomorrow I need to go out to my father’s. I saw him last night and he was his typical self, watching what everyone was doing. I didn’t have too much interaction with him. He really aggravates the fuck out of me, just seeing him fills me with disgust. I talked about it in therapy today. She was telling me that it’s because of his narcissism that I feel this way. He is just an asshole in my book.

I’m feel really down today. I had a cup of tea to warm me up as well as a comfort. I really love a good cup of tea. I didn’t feel like making coffee because I thought I would be going out today. But I think my bowels have other plans for me today. I feel like I got the runs brewing. I might have to cut back on the senna. It’s always a balancing act. Drives me nuts. I didn’t talk about the depression with my therapist. Sometimes, I just don’t feel like talking about it. We were talking more about my frustrated needs and how to apply them that I really didn’t want to bring it up.

We talked some more about an adjunctive therapist. But I think it’s just talk. I really don’t see it going anywhere. It would be a dream to see my twitter doc as I really like him and I think we would be a perfect fit. But he has a dog and I am not a dog person, though the dog mostly sleeps. Least that is the impression I get from all the pics he posts of her.

I checked the status of my baby (laptop). It is being repaired so I should get it sometime next week, if they don’t have to order parts. I am getting used to the laptop I am using but I like my lighter laptop better.

I just realized I am wearing scrubs for PJs. Score, I don’t have to change to go out! I will just go to Walgreens. It’s warm today so I will just wear a T-shirt. I hope they have my snacks in stock or I will be disappointed.

I haven’t been feeling suicidal the past few days. I think the increase in trileptal (mood stabilizer) at night has some protective factors. I wish it would help with my damn sleep though. I woke up at fucking 0500. I was able to get back to sleep but come on. I hate waking up early because the day just drags. Even when I read my book, it takes me a few minutes to go through a chapter because they are not really long. They are about ten pages or less. And it is easy reading, so that helps. What bothers me about this book is that the tragedy could have been avoided had the British Navy interceded the damn Lusitania and escorted her to her port. There were warnings before the ship set sailed the Germans wanted to sink the ship. HELLO?? But I guess hindsight is 20/20, after the fact. Just like the Titanic being in full steam during iceberg season.