The central issue in suicide is not death or killing; it is rather, the stopping of the consciousness of unbearable pain which-unfortunately-by its nature entails the stopping of life. -Edwin Shneidman, Suicide as Psychache
Category: Bipolar Disorder
Do Nothing Tuesday
Do nothing Tuesday
I had therapy today. It was productive. We talked about the multiple texts that I sent her during my anxiety attack that I had yesterday afternoon/evening. She said that it was all PTSD related. I told her I was going out of my mind and she said next time try and move around, not stay in the same space. I suppose I could have left my room so I wasn’t so isolated. But I also didn’t feel like being around my mother. She doesn’t understand my illness and would not be helpful at all. If anything, it would worry her. And I don’t need anyone else knowing that I have anxiety brought on by pain. I tried to get someone on twitter to respond but got nowhere. I had people on Facebook help, but they were thinking panic attacks and I wasn’t having that. I was just really anxious and shaky. I wasn’t hyperventilating or feeling like I was going to die, or any of the other symptoms of a panic attack. It didn’t reassure me that my therapist said it was PTSD, but I guess that is better than what I was thinking, general anxiety disorder.
We talked about the needs and I explained what the difference was. I don’t know if she was writing it down or not. It sounded like she did because she asked me to repeat some of the words. We spent some time talking about it and how it could be useful for us. It was a long list but it is what it is. Tomorrow we’ll talk most about it. She also wants me to star my texts if they are important so we can talk about them during session. I don’t know if I can remember to do that when I am in the fit of emotion. She also wants me to send her more blogs. I only send her the ones that are pertinent to our conversation. I will have to ask her tomorrow what she means by that. I write a lot of blogs lately so I need to know what she wants. And stupid WordPress doesn’t make it easy to share the blogs. It’s kind of stupid that you have to view it in order for you to share it. It was easier before they did the update. I have to do it on my phone so I can text message her.
We didn’t get to talk about the depression. She did want me to talk to my pdoc about my mood stabilizer. Today I am not feeling like doing anything. I am really tired because I woke up at 0600 again. I fell back to sleep and that just did me in for the day. I had no energy to do anything. Even now I am struggling to stay awake. I even had a cup of coffee. It was good and strong so I don’t know why it’s putting me to sleep. Only meds I took today was my BP meds and they don’t make me sleepy. I have been on them more than a year now. I think not sleeping yesterday just got caught with me today. I knew I wasn’t going to go out, though I tried to do an errand for my mother. It was a good thing because I emptied my bank account so I can get a haircut and get a birthday card for my Godmother. Her birthday is next week. I don’t think I will be seeing her. My cousin’s birthday is Friday. I have to remember to text her even though she is on vacation. All these birthdays. Today is my sister’s. I really don’t feel like getting dressed to go over my other sister’s house but I have to. I hope they have the cake early so I can go home sooner rather than later.
My father is over the house. I didn’t go to his house last week because my back was out. He looked like he was afraid to touch me like I was a leper or something. Idiot. He never called to check on me either, not like I was expecting it. My sister took care of the meds, which I was grateful for.
Quote of the Day 3 Nov 2015
There are many pointless deaths but never a needless suicide. Edwin Shneidman, Suicide as Psychache
Therapy problems
Therapy problems
For most of the week I have been racking my brain to come up with something for therapy tomorrow. I thought these frustrated needs would be something to try, but the words are cumbersome and don’t give away their meaning by looking at it. You have to look it up, least I do to see what the hell I am talking about. And if I don’t know the meanings/understandings of these words, how is my therapist supposed to? I am just frustrated. I have been up since 0600 and I only got a few hours sleep last night so I think I am becoming hypomanic again. I don’t think the mood stabilizer is holding me anymore. I know I should be taking the morning dose but it makes me fucking sleepy. The night time dose keeps me awake and it’s the same medication, same milligrams, everything!! I don’t get it. Maybe taking 1200 mg at night is warranted rather than splitting it. I see my pdoc on Friday so will talk about it with her.
I am really pissed that I haven’t worked out this treatment plan. I was working on it earlier but my pen ran out of ink. Then I started working at home. I got the lists of the modal and vital needs. But the meaning of the words are lost on me. Some of them are straightforward, like validation and affiliation. But words like inviolacy and shame-avoidance need to be looked up. I will get it, it’s just a matter of memorizing and getting used to the terms. But I am tired and my brain is shot from having an anxiety attack mixed with the physical symptoms of depression. I felt like I had a weight on my chest and couldn’t breathe. Then my heart rate shot up because my pain did and I was a cooked goose. Trapped in my own skin, I couldn’t stand it. It took two hours for the Ativan to work and then when the pressure was off my chest, I was still shaky so took another one. I just had a big lunch so being low on blood sugar wasn’t the issue. I haven’t had dinner and really don’t feel like eating. I was thinking of making some eggs but I just don’t feel like cooking. Less calories after the big lunch I had.
I hate when pain causes me anxiety. Just thinking about it is giving me flashbacks. It was awful. The pain came out of no where in my foot. Next thing I know, I feel like this constriction and my heart feels like it was palpitating. I checked my BP and it was normal, as well as my pulse rate. The machine does both. But the heaviness in my chest was worse than the palpitations. I didn’t take my morning BP meds. I forgot as I left the house so early. I still haven’t taken my night meds yet. I am kind of afraid to as I could become more hyper and not sleep until the early morning hours.
I just hope my therapist isn’t upset with me that I didn’t get a treatment plan done. Shneidman has been giving me ideas, but they are complicated. Nothing is simple with this guy. He is a very verbose guy and uses old time language, meaning words that aren’t in every day usage. I frequently need a dictionary near me when reading his books because there will be a word I don’t understand. Course the same is true when I am reading “Dead Wake”. I mean, who uses a valise anymore?
I will get this blog done. It’s just going to take some time because it is a challenge. I just wish I didn’t hold it so close to my heart.
midnightdemons7 
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