Category: Bipolar Disorder

Early Monday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Early Monday

I woke up at 0600. I really wanted to take a nap after I had breakfast, but I decided to get my haircut and then go to Starbucks to write this blog idea for my therapist. Barber shop that I usually go to was closed, vacation day. They won’t reopen until Thursday. So I went to the other one down the street and it didn’t open until 0930. It was 0840 when I left my house and I didn’t want to wait an hour. I waited for the bus to take me to my “happy” place. Luckily, the bus to the Square came about ten minutes later. Cool. Least part of my day was going okay. When I got to my “happy” place, I decided I wanted the Sumantra Longberry coffee. It’s strong but sweet, made sweeter with sugar and cream. It helped the fog that I was in.

I got out the writing materials to start my writing. I had just started writing half the frustrated needs in my notebook when my pen started to run out ink. I couldn’t believe it. I had another pen but it was a different color and I don’t like to mix colored ink when writing. There went my project. So I decided to try and write in my journal with the other pen that I had. I wrote about a paragraph when I just got tired and wanted to go home. I just missed the bus and the next one wasn’t for another 50 minutes or so. So I tried to write some more to pass the time. Forced writing is never a good thing. I thought more about the project. I also thought about going to CVS to get a new pen but decided if they didn’t have my pen, it wasn’t going to be worth buying. I am very particular about my pens. Lesson learned, always carry a backup pen even though you think you may not need it. Thing I don’t understand is that when I checked my pen’s ink supply, it was half way full so had plenty of ink to continue writing. But it was very light and then stopped writing all together. This is the second pen in this class of pens that I had to throw away because the ink just failed. I don’t get it. But I have plenty of pens that I bought so it can be easily replaced. Just sucks because I am wasting ink.

As I was riding on the bus, I thought about getting my haircut at the place further down the street. I didn’t go. They usually don’t cut my hair right and I always seem to get the big smelly guy. I just came home, which was a good thing because I had to go to the bathroom.

I am not as down as I was last night. But I am still feeling like there is a weight on my chest. It’s making it difficult to breathe so I have to take deep breaths to get air in my lungs. I hate when the depression has physical symptoms. I don’t know what is worse, having a heartache or a weight on your chest, feeling like a burden to those around you, or thinking that you just will be better off dead.

Despite it being warm outside, it’s cold in the house. My sensitive foot is frozen, despite being under several warm blankets. I haven’t put a sock on yet, but I am getting close to doing it. My ankle is also acting up because of my activities today. It started on the last block I was walking. For some reason, when I came home and came up the stairs, I got wicked out of breath. It took a good ten minutes for me to catch my breath. I have since climbed the stairs since then and didn’t feel short of breath afterwards. It’s so weird that it happens some of the time and not at others. I have noticed a pattern though. If I am walking and then go up the stairs, I get winded than if I was resting and then going up.

On being suicidal

by Midnight Demon, posted in baseball, Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders, psychache, suicidality

Hate mixed states

I feel like I am in a mixed state right now. I feel hyper and manic and the next minute, I feel depressed and full of psychological pain. The oscillation is killing me. I just want to go to sleep but am unable to because of fucking baseball. I have to see if the Mets win this game after they fucking blew it. They had the lead and then they gave it up. Unreal. This is an elimination game. The Mets lose this game and the Royals win the series. I will be very upset if this happens.

I have been noticing my numbers (stats) have been up more than usual. Today the US has read my blog more than the UK. Yesterday it was the reverse. And still my “Knackered” blog is the most read for the day. It is my most popular blog.

I was reading more of the book “Dead Wake”. What I read really upset me because if the British acted, they could have avoided the tragedy of the Lusitania. They knew in advance that the Germans were tracking her. It’s just sad that things like this happened.

I took my nerve pain meds to try and ease this uneasiness that I am feeling and hopefully get some sleep. I am very tired but I am fighting it for some reason. I don’t like how I am feeling. I feel like I am walking a fine line of insanity vs sanity. I hate feeling keyed up one minute and feeling like I am going to fall flat on my face in another. I need sleep but I am too wound up.

Well, the Royals just fucking scored so I guess they win the series. I am very upset. The score is 7-2, I don’t think the Mets can score 5 runs to retie the game or win it. So fucking close and so damn sad.

I tried doing a psychache scale tonight. It was fine until the last four questions. Then I couldn’t distinguish between my physical pain from my psychological pain because my foot was acting up at the time. As I read the questions, my pain just screamed at me. The total score was 54, which is mediocre. I am on the cusp of a suicidal crisis. But because my therapist and I have basically called a damn “truce”, I can’t discuss this with her. It makes me angry that I have these suicidal feelings and I can’t talk about them openly with her because we are trying to work things out between us. But I can talk about my feelings here because that is what my blog is about. Being suicidal and talking about it. Because if I didn’t have this outlet, I think I would act on my feelings. Or be in dire straights at this hour. With this blog, I can tell people I am suicidal and it’s okay to talk about it. I am not going to get shunned for it. I just want to die because my feelings at the moment feel that way. I know this will pass and I will feel better in the morning. But right now it sucks like all hell and being hyper isn’t helping. I don’t want to reach out because I know I will fall asleep soon. I am already starting to feel sedated from the meds I took (nothing in extreme). I might send this blog to my therapist so she knows what kind of night I am having. Maybe I won’t because it might freak her out. I am tired of being in pain both psychologically and physically. Right now, it is not at the point where it is unbearable but I don’t want to feel either. I have resources to me when I feel this way but I don’t feel like using them. I am too tired to explain why I am in pain and want to take my life. They won’t understand psychache and constriction and perturbation. No one understands it except Shneidman. But he is dead and there is nothing I can do about it. He was the person that taught me about this stuff. Reduce the pain, reduce the suicidality. Question is how to reduce the pain when nothing works on it. The reality is that you need to uncover what the person’s needs are in this moment of crisis and try to alleviate them as best you can. If they need validation, validate them. If they need affiliation, affiliate them. If they need understanding, show it to them. Ask them where do they hurt and how can I help you? It doesn’t take rocket science to figure this out. My heart is breaking into a thousand pieces because I don’t feel validated or understood.
Meds are taking over now so I am going to go to sleep and hopefully not wake up to this nightmare of feelings.

Quote of the Day 2 Nov 2015

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, depression, mood disorders, Quotes, suicide

Suicide should not be misunderstood as hostility directed toward the introjected love object; but rather suicide is better understood as anguish over the plight of the writhing self. Edwin Shneidman, Suicide as Psychache

finally able to go out

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

I finally was able to go out today. I picked up my prescription and bought a couple of necessities, including Reese’s candy that was on sale. It was a debate between peanut butter cups and Kit Kats, but peanut butter always wins. I also got toothpaste because we were running low. Walgreens had the one that I wanted 2/$6 yet the same size in a two pack was for $6.99. I thought that was weird. So I saved a buck. I came home okay. I was hurting more walk to Walgreens than going home. I feel pretty good, though my ankle is acting up a little bit. But I got out of the house for the first time since Wednesday.

I got a surprised text from Twitter. Apparently, the blog that I sent to a Twitter buddy got picked up by a mental health advocate and she placed the blog in her blog/paper. It was cool to see my blog get circulated in this fashion.

Last night I had a hard time sleeping. Stupid McAfee wouldn’t reinstall itself and I had to get tech support to do their clean up sweep so it would be a “fresh” install. I had also read “Suicide as Psychache” and that got the gears turning toward how to have my therapist help me during a suicidal crisis, which prompted me to send out the blog to my Twitter buddies. The part I was reading was about needs. Frustrated needs lead to perturbation, which can lead to lethality if an individual’s level is high enough. That is Shneidman’s theory, anyway. I have found it to be true for me because if I am not feeling validated or understood, my suicidality can increase very quickly. So here it was after 0200 and I can’t sleep. I have all these ideas running through my head plus the frustration of not having McAfee installed. I was able to come down to a little blog called Modal needs. Everyone has them. It’s what drives us. But the vital needs, if thwarted or frustrated, causes perturbation and suicidality. There are only a certain number of the twenty that are vital to the individual. My needs may not be the same as someone else’s.

And then I got thinking, how to convey this to my goofy therapist in a way that she understands it and is able to lower the frustration so I don’t plan on killing myself. I never got around to this. I stayed up with McAfee’s tech support, shut the computer down and the Ativan finally let me sleep. Tomorrow if my back cooperates, I will go to Starbucks and work on this new frustrated needs blog. I also, while reading, got some more quotes for my “Quote for the Day” blogs. This book is loaded with them.

I still need to get a haircut. I am hoping the barber shop I usually go to is open tomorrow. I will try and get my hair cut before going to Starbucks to work on this blog. I’d work on it now but I don’t have the brain power to do it. I need coffee and an inviting atmosphere. I work better when I am at Starbucks than I do from my room.

I got an email from Kindle saying that one of the payments failed to go through so I should be getting a little bit of money from them tomorrow. I like when I get royalty payments.

Had BPD Chat. I don’t know why I bother trying to participate. No one really responds to my inquiries or statements. It’s just so frustrating. Today’s topic was “Emptiness”. I have been feeling empty since the depression has gotten worse the past few weeks. I feel it so bad it’s almost physical, like I have no organs inside, like I am an empty shell of a being. It’s awful to feel this way all the time. I don’t feel connected to anyone or anything. It just hurts and there is nothing you can do about it. I have tried telling my psychiatrist this but nothing gets said about it. I makes me feel worse when other people in the chat feel that way yet don’t respond back to my support or anything. I just don’t know why I bother. Maybe I should just stop attending.