Category: blogging

Can’t sleep for a lot of reasons

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Can’t sleep for a lot of reasons

I am so tired that I can’t sleep. I have a million things on my mind. It didn’t help that my brother in law pissed me off with his ignorance in medical matters. The idiot thought my father is in acute liver failure. I had to correct him several times. Then he thought that the medication my father has been taking for years has contributed to the kidney failure. He just doesn’t get it. And it’s so painful because he thinks he is right and the world is wrong.

I also have been fighting my suicidal urges for most of the evening. I took 2 mg of Ativan to calm myself down as I am just a wreck. The news of my father being in KIDNEY failure is not sitting well with me. I know that it is going to be down hill after this. He is just going to get worse. I keep praying he goes in his sleep one of these days.

I also took 900 mg of Neurontin because I can’t stand the burning in my ankle/foot anymore. It’s been helping increase my appetite the last few days. I am hoping I can have my favorite breakfast sandwich tomorrow and finish it without a problem.

I see my psychiatrist tomorrow. I am nervous about seeing her. I told her today that I think my father is going to die within a week’s time and that hospice has been called. I also told her that I have to put off going in the hospital because my father is closer to dying. I can’t wait for this to be over with. It’s been really tough. My youngest sister is in denial about him dying. She said it “doesn’t make sense”. I don’t know what to say to make it make sense for her. She thinks that my father will bounce back and have the energy he once had. Denial is a powerful thing.

I hate being in pain but especially nerve pain because Neurontin is the only thing that helps with it but it takes hours for it to work. That’s why I took the Ativan to help me sleep. I really felt like taking the rest of the bottle but I didn’t. My psych would have really put me in the hospital if I did, regardless of the situation with my father. I can’t risk being sectioned involuntarily.

I wish I could just lay down and fall asleep. I am going to try in a little bit. Today has been such a hard day and I didn’t need the tangle with my brother in law to get me more upset. I just hope that I don’t wake up at 0400 like I have the past few mornings. That has really disrupted my sleep, not to say I have been sleeping right but it just makes it worse.

I have been slowly gaining interest back with the Sox. They are doing horrible tonight. They have had a few chances to score and blew it. Right now they are scoreless in extra innings, least they were when I last checked.

A difficult day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

I just got off the phone with my therapist and now I am feeling really suicidal. My pain went up a few notches just before we got off the phone so I think that is why the urges creeped up. We spent the session talking about going into the hospital and the reasons for it. Frankly, I think her anxiety was more than enough to convince me that I need to be in the hospital. Question is when. I suppose I can go in after the meeting with the nursing home people. I will just have them call me because it is a short meeting and I don’t want to lug my backpack there and then lug it back to the hospital where I will be admitted.

I got my menses today, which totally sucks. I am glad I am not in the hospital this week because having your menses while in just sucks. I rather be at home dealing with this. I just found out that my father is doing worse. His kidneys are failing. Social worker called and wants us to be in the care of hospice. So that lady just called me after I got off the phone with my sister to tell her what is going on. It’s like boom boom boom. I am so stressed out and sad.

My mother wanted to know what kind of pasta I wanted for supper. I am not hungry at all. I had breakfast but no lunch. I just want to sleep. The depression is just getting worse and I just don’t know what to do with myself. My therapist says that I have been dangling off a cliff for more than a month now. But with the new information about my father, I really can’t make a decision to be in the hospital. I could never forgive myself if he died while I was there.

Now it’s the time for calling my cousins and letting them know their uncle is going to pass. This is going to be the toughest phone call I will have to make.

Longest Day Ever

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Longest Day Ever

My sister wanted to see my father by T so I went along with her because I haven’t seen him in a few days. I also wanted to be there to see if I could see the social worker and the accounts person to ask questions about my father’s stay. The regular social worker was on vacation so I met with his covering one. She was nice and gave me the information that I needed. She also gave me the number for his doctor who I have to call to find out about his prognosis and other medical issues he is having.

My father didn’t look good. He was barely able to speak he was so weak. We were able to get him in a wheelchair and bring him outside for a little bit. He was really tired afterwards. My sister and I decided to catch the bus back home and that is when the longest day started. We waited over an hour for the bus. I was standing most of the way. My leg is killing me and so are my feet. We then decided to walk toward Mass Ave to catch the bus. That turned into a forty-five minute drive. I was so tired that I tried to sleep most of the way. But no, that wasn’t going to happen.

After we reached home, we had to go to the wake. I was already dressed up for it though I thought I would have time to change into a plain white T-shirt instead of my Cauda Equina one. Nope, no time. Had to rush to the funeral home. It was sad. There was even more standing at the home because the guy was young and there were a lot of people at the wake. No sitting for me. My leg already was hurting and I wish I brought some pain pills. By the end of the wake, I wished I was the one in the casket and my friend’s husband was alive.

My Sunday Continues

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders, suicide

With the help of my psychiatrist, I was able to avoid being in the hospital for a few days. If I didn’t have commitments over the next few days, I would have gone in. She was talking about short term hospitalization (most hospitalizations are) but I couldn’t do it knowing that I had to babysit tomorrow. There would be no one to watch my niece and I would feel bad.

I haven’t eaten anything all day except for some melon. I am hungry but I’m not. I really just want an Ensure and go to bed. I have a splitting headache. Two ladies in front of me were singing and humming and were so damn off key it was pathetic. It rang through my head like nails on a chalkboard. Then there was a teen that was vomiting. I tried not to listen and he was a quiet vomiter so I didn’t get sick. Eight hours after being there, I finally saw the psychiatrist. She really wanted me inpatient and I think she had her heart set on it but I didn’t. I wasn’t in a suicidal state. I just needed an understanding ear, which I got with the doc. I know I could have paged my psychiatrist and talked but I really wanted to be in an environment that wasn’t my room. And believe me it was tempting to say yes but I had to decline. I do have to see my psychiatrist on Wed. I feel really bad now because she said she had a jam packed schedule. I know it’s the depression talking. I really understand her worry for me but I think I am okay now. I spent eight hours in an ER that was for me, though I had memories of being with my father there. In fact, I was across from the bay where my father was where I poked him after he wanted to leave AMA the last time he was there.

The place was busy as is usual for an academic hospital center. I swear more people were piling in as the hours went on than when I first came to the area I was. It was all open so you could hear all the talk. This one had a kidney stone, that one had an infection, some were psych patients waiting to be admitted. I found out one psych patient on Friday had pulled the sprinkler off and flooded the psych ER. That was why they were in a different area and more security was around. I think it was funny as the nurses were describing it but it isn’t really. Now the psych patients are in with the general ER and it can be quite disturbing.

I was glad that I was discharged after seeing the attending psychiatrist. It was quick and I was happy. The nurse gave me a ginger ale as I requested some juice or something as I could feel my own blood sugar plummet. I was starting to get the shakes and I feared I would get a dizzy spell. That would be all I needed was to pass out in the ER after I said I was okay to go home.

Now I got to fill in my pill box for the week. I still have my bag packed in case I go in next week. I think my father might have just a week or so left in him from what I hear from my sister. He really is deteriorating quickly. I feel so bad and sad. But it would really kill me if he died while I am in the hospital. I know that I need to be there to take care of myself but I have to put myself aside for the moment.