Category: blogging

Saturday Blog 39

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

My sisters and I went out. It was a good time. We had plenty of Chinese food and brought most of it home. We just couldn’t finish it all. I came home and there was mail, mostly for me. Two good friends sent me Christmas tidings. My friend from Texas was very kind. She sent me a Hope coin. She wants me to hold on to it on my bad days. I am grateful to have her in my life. We always have good chats. She understands how dark my depressions are and doesn’t shy away from them. She wishes I don’t have them but she isn’t judgmental about it. She is a really good friend.

Even though I didn’t do too much of anything today, my thigh is hurting. I think if I sit too long, it aggravates it. So I try not to sit too long and walk around a little bit. I hate having this pain. It’s really driving me nuts. It’s making me more nervous about seeing the neurosurgeon on Tuesday. I just hope I am not wasting our time with this. The pain is not consistent and it doesn’t always come on when I sit too long, or at least when I think I have sat too long. It also has been brought on by walking home, after doing all that I did. I wish my fears would just go away but I have good reason to be fearful. Having a bad back is never an easy thing to not be afraid of. I just want an MRI to see if there are changes. I know that because I don’t have weakness or bowel/bladder problems there is probably nothing to worry about but I worry anyway.

I got an email from my favorite author. He finally described what a short story, novella, and novel were, in terms of word count. He will be coming out with a revised book about writing sometime in the next year. I will be getting this book because I love his writing style. He has been doing this for more than forty years so I think he knows something about writing.

My mother needed technical help with the TV as she was using one remote to shut the TV off and the other to shut off the cable box. Then was wondering why the TV wasn’t working. Going down and then back up the stairs really hurt my thigh. Seems anything to flex the muscles hurt. Dammit. I hope it calms down. I took a pain pill because my ankle is flaring. Hope it calms down both. I hate being in so much pain. I really want to end things tomorrow. But I promised my therapist I wouldn’t. It’s too bad I always keep my promises, but I never keep a promise to myself. Funny how that works.

My birthday is the day after the meeting with the surgeon. I am tempted to ask my therapist if I can stay with her overnight. I just am dreading this day so much. Why can’t I just stay 39? I just wish my family wouldn’t make a big deal out of it. It’s just another day.

No Naps for the Weary

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

No Naps for the Weary

After I wrote the blog this morning, I tried to take a nap. I slept for about two hours and then woke up. It was the last nap I took. I couldn’t go back to sleep. I was very hungry. I made pancakes. And hour later I had some chicken cutlets with delicious honey mustard and fries. I am kind of full right now but my mother is heating up a chicken pot pie and I will be a stuffed goose after that. It’s just so filling. I am very tired but every time I lie down, I wake up. I never made coffee because I didn’t feel like making it. I am thinking of making it now but it’s kind of late and I don’t want to be up all night. I already have been up all day.

I know part of the reason I am so tired is because I took some Neurontin to sleep. But I think the depression is back and that is not helping matters. I just feel so laid down with burden, like a heavy weight is upon me and I can’t fucking breathe. Just walking to Walgreens took so much spoons out of me it wasn’t funny. I was literally out of breath when I got to the store and I usually walk there every other day so I am not sure why I was so short of breath. Some days when I am not tired, I can walk without feeling short of breath. I think the tireds are the cause because I am forcing myself to do an activity that requires walking or movement. Even going up and down stairs causes me to be out of breath when I am tired.

I haven’t had any suicidal thoughts today. I am too tired to even think about that, though I have thought about taking more Neurontin than I should. I keep hoping to have a massive heart attack and die. Unfortunately, there is little heart disease in my family so I doubt that will happen. My father had a heart attack but it wasn’t until he was over the age of 75 and it was a minor one.

I got a massive headache and I don’t know why. I think it’s because I am very tired. This is the third day in a row that I have woken up early and stayed up late. I keep having weird sleeping times. And trying to nap is always difficult because my mind wanders before I am able to rest and sleep. I’m going to try napping now and hope I am not up come 2 in the morning.

Hot Chocolate and other Thoughts

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

Hot Chocolate and Other Thoughts

A blogger friend made a comment on my Dark Hot Chocolate post and I thought I would have a cup. I have been up since 0445. I plan on taking some nerve pain meds to get back to sleep. I want to finish my cup of cocoa first.

My mood is still down and I cannot seem to fix my TiVo. I am very, very sad about this. There are shows on there that I haven’t seen, like Rizzoli and Isles and definitely, Bones. Part of me doesn’t care and part of me is extremely pissed off that I didn’t watch the shows when I could have. I am going to play around with it sometime today to see if it will boot up.

I’m still having suicidal thoughts. My therapist called me after I sent her a distressing text. We talk for a bit and she made me promise that I wouldn’t do anything this weekend. She really wants to see me on my birthday. Now I have to get a Zipcar. My only worry is that I won’t be able to get one at a place that I know. I really want to get the same car I got last time. It drove really well. I think next time I am going to take the highway home rather than go through the back roads. It seemed to take forever to get home through the back roads and I was getting really aggravated because I wanted to go home. It depends on how I feel. I was going to take the other highway home but there was traffic due to construction and I didn’t want to sit in traffic. There was no traffic on the back roads but I was just impatient to get home.

My suicidal plans are put off, again. I am not sure how I feel about this. I feel discouraged and angry. I shouldn’t have told my therapist about this. I don’t know why I seem to do things like this. I just feel so hopeless about every thing that is going on in my life. I can’t seem to do a damn thing. The only thing I can do is watch my niece when my sister needs me to, though I can no longer pick her up from school. The distance is just too much for me. There are too many hills for me to climb. It saddens me because I was once able to do those hills without a problem. And it kills me that I am disabled. I fucking hate being disabled where I can no longer do the things I was did. I can’t walk, which was my major stress reliever. I had my game, which was also my stress reliever but it shut down and I haven’t been able to find something similar. I could play Farmville but there is no challenge to that. You just plant your crops and collect “money” when you harvest then plant your crops again. It’s lost its appeal. I just have no other activities to keep me occupied so I think about suicide most of the time.

The reason I think about suicide is not only because I am disgruntled that I am disabled, but also because I don’t have anything else to occupy my time. Sure I go out to Starbucks and have my drink and write in my journal. But then I get anxious and need to come home. I only stay for about an hour, sometimes less. And then my mother calls me to see what I am doing. She also calls to let me know what we are having for supper. I try to have enough funds to last me through the month but sometimes it doesn’t work out that way. This month I bought coffee so my funds were lower than they should be. I meant to add more funds to the Starbucks card but I never did. So now I have the entire weekend to ponder about my upcoming appointment with my neurosurgeon.

Saturday, I am going out with my sisters for Chinese food. It’s my birthday celebration with them. I wanted to go to another place but I have been deprived of Lo Mein for a while and I want it dammit! I also want General Gao. So I already know what I want. That will be a distraction for a little while. I am sure I will continue to write my Saturday Blogs. I know I have been writing more blogs. It helps to write my thoughts down.

Random 142

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Random 142

My TiVo is on the fritz. It keeps telling me that the internal temp is too high and then shuts off. It’s had a long life, 14 years. Only thing is, I don’t want to buy a replacement because you have to pay monthly. I might get cable DVR services but I will have to have a strict talk with my mother if I do. I don’t want her cancelling my shows because she wants to watch hers if I am paying for it. I already missed at least three episodes of Bones because of this. I don’t want to miss the season.

I went over my father’s and did what I had to do. I then left. He gave me some chicken cutlets so I had that for lunch. My mother wanted me to go to Walgreens but I just wasn’t up for it. I was hurting, tired, and needed food and coffee. I said that I would go later but this coffee is having no effect on my tiredness so I might take a nap. Being up in the middle of the night and then sleeping did me no favors. I had to buy my father bread other wise I would have slept later. It’s a good thing I went when I did because they only had 4 loaves left. He still complains about the bread, wanting to know where I bought it, as if I make it at home. Guy is ridiculous.

I don’t know if it’s because I am tired or what, but I am wicked down. I met my cousin on the bus ride home and she reminded me again that I was turning the big number. I wanted to smack her. I don’t understand why everyone is making such a big deal over it. It’s just a number. I will be that number for a fucking year so I don’t understand why they are making a big deal. I hate my birthday and I rather die this weekend than live to see it in a few days. I have four bottles of pills that I can use to kill myself this weekend. But I am too scared that I will just get sick and live that it’s not even worth trying. This depresses me to no end. I feel like I am such a failure or wimp for not even trying.

I am not even trying to be positive or hopeful. I just hope I don’t wake up one morning. Nothing makes me happy anymore. Nothing gives me pleasure. I just want to die. I want to cease to exist. My therapist thinks otherwise. She can’t envision a life without me in it. Awkward how that is. But then we have been working so long together, I think she is a little codependent on me. I know my death will devastate her as will a lot of people including my family.