Category: cauda equina syndrome

Self-Esteem Around Bodily Functions

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, depression, suicidality

I slept most of the day today. Which was kind of good as I no longer have the back pain I was experiencing. Today was the first time since Friday that I have no back pain. Maybe it was just a flare up with the temp and I am on the mend now. I am so relieved. But that still doesn’t explain the extra leak I had yesterday. I was hoping it was sweat but it didn’t smell like it. I hate when I pee my pants. But it’s a part of my life now. I really hate it but there is nothing I can do about it. I could wear diapers but that can be costly. I don’t leak that much, so I am grateful for that. But it still doesn’t help my self-esteem.

I had therapy today but I have no recollection of it. I really wasn’t paying attention to what she was saying. She was going off about how I should get one of my nieces or my nephew to help me move stuff so I can get my AC in my window. I had to call time out because I really had to go to the bathroom to do #2. She knows that when I have to go, I have to go. I felt really bad as we were in the middle of session but, I couldn’t hold it in anymore and I didn’t want to crap myself. I apologized and she said it was okay but I still felt bad. I really felt horrible at having to put a pause to our conversation, even if it was crappy, just so I can relieve my bowels. I mean, I felt better physically wise, with the relief, but I felt terrible psychological wise. And I don’t know why that is. When you have to go, you have to go. But with me it’s a little different. Most people can hold their bowels. I don’t know how because it has been so long for me. I just know that if I didn’t stop our conversation when I did, there would have been an accident in my bedroom floor. And I think that would have made me feel worse than stopping our conversation.

While I was doing my business, she read one of the blogs I sent her. I told her it was how I felt. If I were to die tomorrow, I would be happy. Weird that the last dream I had, had to do with being suicidal. I was getting my pills to do me in and for some reason they wouldn’t fill it and it made me panicky. I was like oh shit. It was a really strange dream because in it, I was hospitalized for being suicidal! I guess being in the hospital has been on my brain a little more than it should be. I would like to be in, just to get a little routine going and someone to make sure I take my meds at the right time and stuff. But it also means suicide is on my mind a little more than I thought it would be. Funny how your dreams always tell you how things are when you are not thinking of it.

My pain is still there in my ankle. That is one pain that never goes away. Even while I was going through back pain, I still had my ankle pain. I told my therapist today that I am tired of being in pain all the time. I don’t think that went through her head. I don’t think she is getting me. And that is pissing me off. I just feel like I am crying wolf again. I say that I am suicidal, and everyone hears me. Then when I am really suicidal and in pain, no one hears me. It’s like they get so used to me telling them I am suicidal they don’t want to hear it anymore. It’s like “okay, you are suicidal”, just like when I say “I am depressed”. I am not expecting people to jump. I just wish they would listen to me a little more is all.

It’s after 0230. I woke up several hours ago and can’t go back to sleep. I just took my meds and my pain pills so hopefully, I will fall back to sleep soon.

I really feel down. And I don’t know what to do about it. Therapy isn’t helping. Meds aren’t helping. Why should I go on? There is no purpose in my life. I thought my book would be a good seller and I would be able to live off it a little bit better than I am now, but that was not the case. I still have not sold one book in the month of June. And all I keep thinking about is the taxes that I owe. I still have not received my payment from Kindle. I am hoping that will be sometime this month.

I guess my aunt that desperately wanted to talk to me, doesn’t. I have messaged her a few times and gotten no response. I know she is on Facebook. Just pisses me off. She has my number so why doesn’t she call me if it was that important? Just the way my family is. Hurry up and wait. One of my other aunts thinks that I am going to write a book about her family. She is nuts if she thinks I am going to work with her. Oh and the other big thing is that she doesn’t expect any money, just a little. PPPFFFTTTT. Not going to happen. There is too much one sided thinking with her and the truth will not come out about how the family really is. She will write it like we are all good citizens and such when really they are nothing but greedy assholes. I can go into more detail but I won’t as I don’t know who reads my blog. But that is the gist of it. And I refuse to contribute to the lies.

I think the “high” or upbeat feeling that I was feeling with the Cymbalta is coming to an end. I am starting to feel really down. But the good news is that I am not seeing my therapist today. My first Tuesday off from her. I wish we could meet in the evenings where I am a little bit more coherent but whatever. It sucks meeting in the morning. My thoughts are really together sometimes and I don’t remember half of what we talk about. Sometimes I am in good space and I remember, but most times I don’t. Therapy is so hard.

I need to buy tank tops for the summer. I only have two kinds and though I am fond of one, I can’t go outside with the other. My fricken boobs hang out too much. So I just wear them around the house. If I do have to go out, I will wear a t-shirt. I don’t have a sports bra. I haven’t worn a bra in years. I don’t even know my size anymore. And it doesn’t matter because I won’t buy them. I just don’t care to.

pain chronicles begin

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression

I am not having a good day. My day has been nothing but interrupted sleep and pain. Because my sister’s back went out on her last night, I kept my phone on in case she needed something from me. Now today, my back is hurting me, most likely due to change in temp. It was in the 60’s yesterday and in the 80s today. My back just can’t handle that kind of change.

I am so tired of being in pain. I know my mother suffers from chronic back pain as well. It runs in the family. But I am the one that has had four surgeries. Aren’t I the lucky one? I guess you can say that because of my having surgeries and still being in pain, my family is afraid to have surgery or even see a doc for their pain.

I have been trying to get a hold of my aunt that so desperately wants to talk with me but I can’t seem to get a hold of her. Oh well. I guess she will contact me when she is ready to. I miss talking with her.

I went and got my Starbucks today. My favorite barista was not there. She is very cute. But we don’t say anything more than a hello and how are you. That is usually all we have time for as the place is very busy. I brought my Experiences of Depression book with me today and was working on writing out the stuff I highlighted. It’s a laborious process as the text I highlighted are more like paragraphs. But it helps to write it out so I can give it some context to what I am reading. It actually makes sense now that I got past the Freudian stuff. Soon as I finish writing out what I highlighted so far, I will go back to reading the book. I am on chapter 2 so far.

I realized today that I wrote two contradictory blogs yesterday. One I was saying I wasn’t suicidal and the other one written a few hours later stated I was, well that I wanted to be dead. Pain will do that to me if it is consistent enough. I hope that my back pain isn’t consistent. I really was hurting today on the way home from my “happy” place. Then I had to pick up my niece and my walking pace turned almost to a crawl. I was still hunched over in pain. I took one of my pain meds so I should be ok for the next few hours. The pain was bad as it was going down my legs and my right leg felt weak. My mother wanted me to buy eggs but there was no way for me to bend down and get them as they are on the bottom shelf. Kind of stupid place to put eggs, if you ask me.

No Rest for the Weary

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression

No Rest for the weary

I woke up at 0400 yesterday (30-May) in severe pain. I took some meds and then tried to go back to sleep. I slept for a couple of hours and then my alarm went off. I had an appointment with my pdoc. The appointment went well, we decided to stay the course with the increase in the mood stabilizer and see if the Cymbalta is truly making me sick by not taking it tonight. It really doesn’t matter as I doubt I will continue taking it. My mood has improved over the last two weeks, well at least compared to last week where I was in bed every day. I couldn’t do a damn thing without sleeping all day.

I wanted to take a nap very badly as my sister had tickets to the Red Sox game and I wanted to go. But I never got a nap so was really cranky. The tickets were part of my youngest niece’s school group and I was around kids. BAD, very bad for me because I swear a lot during the game. I had to twitter my curses during the game rather than say them outloud but toward the end of the game, most of the kids went home so I could curse. And it was a hell of a game. Two brawls. Three ejections. And the Rays were “scot free”. I don’t know what the Sox did to piss off every umpire in the MLB but it’s getting obvious there is a conspiracy out there with their calls going against Boston. And the sad part is that for the next two days, we have the same umpiring crew so it will be the same bias.

I did a lot of stair climbing and my foot is now paying the price. My foot pain did not abate during the day. I have been dealing with it like I said before, since 0400. I have been taking my pain medication which brings the pain down a notch but during the end of the game, I wasn’t able to take an additional med for the ride home. And it was a ride. The trolley ride, in which I was standing, killed me as I was putting too much pressure on it to stand upright. My foot is thanking me so much by swelling and not being able to move my toes. I am beyond miserable and I can’t sleep. I have been up for almost 24 hours. I love my niece but she was such a whiny brat tonight. I know part of it was because it was past her bed time but I had no nerves left to deal with it because of my sleep deprivation and pain level. I didn’t let on but I really wanted to say something to her but I didn’t. I had a good time at the game, despite the kids and aggravation. I tried my best to zone out as much as I could. My sister was the cheering squad but she was doing that to keep from being bored. Baseball is not her thing. But she was a trooper staying until the end of the 9th inning, despite a tied score. I had to leave by this time because the pain had become intolerable. I don’t know how many stairs we went down to get to home but it was a lot and my ankle did not appreciate it.

So now I am home, I have my foot elevated. I am medicated. Yet I am not sleepy despite being overtired. I don’t have anything that I have to do today. I had wanted to get my haircut, go to the post office, and pick up my prescriptions but that is way too many spoons (energy) at this point. I don’t think I am going to do much other than veg out. If I am lucky, I will sleep past 0600. I am tempted to take an Ativan to sleep but having decided to take a stronger pain medication tonight, I don’t want to risk further side effects.

Despite being in severe pain, I am not suicidal like I thought I would be. This is the fourth or fifth day in a row that I have been dealing with my foot pain, the same kind of pain every single day. I just haven’t been able to get a break from it. I am hoping that taking the stronger pain medicine breaks the cycle and I get some relief but there is no guarantee that will happen. Right now, all I want is some pain free sleep. But it doesn’t look like I will be getting it. I still am waiting for my meds to kick in, and it has been over an hour since I took them.

It is strange not being suicidal when I am in so much pain. You would think that I would be, that I would want that escape. I guess part of it is that I am not feeling hopeless about it. And I am not severely depressed like I was. Pain changes the way you cope with things. Right now I am feeling the pain but also trying to block it out of mind. I guess when I can no longer do that, maybe then I become suicidal? I guess we will find out soon enough.

Nerve pain is no joke

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression

I laid down a little while ago to try and get some sleep but my foot had other plans. It feels like it has been submerged in ice cold water and then thawed out. I feel like every nerve fiber, neuron, and nerve bundle is firing all at once. I am in agony and there is nothing I can take for it except to wait it out. The funny thing is that I take Cymbalta which is supposedly a neuropathic medication used to treat this type of pain. Either I am on too low a dose or it just doesn’t work for me. I just want to sleep and I am itching on despair.

I didn’t think this would happen. I thought I would be in physical pain, bone crushing pain, not nerve pain tonight. I hate feeling so helpless as my foot is hurting and there is nothing I can take for it. I just have to wait for it to calm down on its own. If it was just one part of my foot, I could put a gel on it but the pain is ALL over my foot and I can’t put that much gel on my foot. I will get it everywhere and I don’t know if it will be effective. Nerve pain sucks!!!!

I am deeply frustrated that there is nothing I can do but suffer. This is why I become suicidal because my situation is hopeless. There is no end to this pain. The only way to stop the pain is to end my life. And I want to so bad. But my family needs me, least I think they do. My sister has been depending on me more to take care of her younger daughter as I have been babysitting more. I am supposed to be up in five hours to take my sister’s car so that I can transport my father to his medical appointment. I don’t know if I can survive a day on five hours of sleep. This just totally sucks. and I feel like I should just end things. My life would be better off if I were dead. People don’t understand that being in chronic pain sucks. Least with cancer, you know there is going to be an end. But with chronic pain there is no terminus. It just goes on and on.

My foot is still swollen from today’s activities. I won’t be walking too much tomorrow, thank goodness. I know I overdid it today and that is why I am hurting. Seems that whenever I think I can go back to work I will have a night like this to remind me that I can no longer work an eight hour shift. I don’t even know if I will be able to work half a shift. I miss my coworkers though. I would love to be able to return to my old job but I don’t think I can physically do that type of work anymore. It just sucks. But maybe by not being here anymore I don’t have to worry about working at all or about my finances and being broke all the time. Having complex regional pain syndrome really does stink. and pain flare ups are the worse.